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(61 Posts)
Willie1973 Sun 12-Aug-18 14:52:41

I told my wife of a 3 1/2 year affair. I was seeing a lady who was going through a rough time in her marriage. Her husband moved out back home in October and I was staying round hers 2 or 3 nights a week. She is now going through divorce and said i was the reason . I told my wife that I wanted to end the marriage and pursue the life with the ow . But last week I had a message on Facebook from her ex husband to be . Wanting to know the last time I say her . She accused me of playing mind games and wouldn't answer the phone . So I sent a screenshot of the message. She then called me back straight away and I told her to tell him truth about us . She wouldn't so I told her she needed to if not if he contacted me again I would tell him . So in the end I had told her anoth is anoth I wanted us to be a cpl to do cpl things and I would leave my wife. In the end I had to tell him as he started harassing me . The thing I am struggling is not the break up it's the fact she told him she hasn't see me in 2 1/2 years and is denying it even it's even happened . At witts end because I sent him all the proof he needs I feel I have betrayed her but I think he needed to hear the truth .

RoseAndRose Sun 12-Aug-18 15:00:20

So the short version is that you have left your DW, and have only duscovered since then that the extent of your OW's lies is somewhat greater than you knew before (you must have known that both of you are liars, as that is a basic necessity in conducting such a betrayal of primary relationships).

It doesn't really change anything. She's still a liar, and the person you chose.

Willie1973 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:02:09

No I haven't left my wife my wife want to try again. Which I am grabbing with both hands . But just struggling why she needs to still denying it

YeTalkShiteHen Sun 12-Aug-18 15:03:02

You’re lying to your wife, cheating on your wife, hedging your bets and now upset because the lying cheat you cheated with is lying?

And you expect what? Sympathy? Can’t see how. Also can’t see many Dads agreeing with you.

PickAChew Sun 12-Aug-18 15:04:18

So you cheat on your wife with another married woman and you expect the transition from one relationship to another to be simpler?

Willie1973 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:05:08

I have told her I would stand by her when her husband found out . But I have just found out she told him it was over and she was still seeing me . I know it not right but I can't see point in denying once caught

PickAChew Sun 12-Aug-18 15:05:49

Oh, I get it. The grass wasn't greener, after all. Still don't expect it to be simple.

YeTalkShiteHen Sun 12-Aug-18 15:06:26

I hope your wife kicks you out. She deserved better than someone picking her because his better option fucked him off.

Willie1973 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:07:57

I ended it with the ow infact

YeTalkShiteHen Sun 12-Aug-18 15:08:45

Oh so you did, I’m sorry, you’re a wonderful human being with a fantastic moral compass!

Oh wait....nope...still a cheating, lying, bet hedging scumbag.

Willie1973 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:09:31

Well we all make mistakes

PortiaCastis Sun 12-Aug-18 15:09:56

Oh hey ho the old "going through a rough time in the marriage" trope gets trotted out again.

The pair of you are cheats and deserve all you get

No sympathy here

Willie1973 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:10:54

I haven't come for sympathy. Just advice to see if anyone has been in same position

YeTalkShiteHen Sun 12-Aug-18 15:11:31

Sticking your penis into another woman for 3.5 years, then hedging your bets until you decide which woman you want isn’t a mistake. It’s a choice, and one you made because you are only thinking about yourself.

Isn’t it funny the way that liars can manipulate things to sound better than they are?

Hopefully your poor wife finds someone who respects and loves her and ditches your sorry arse.

RoseAndRose Sun 12-Aug-18 15:11:54

Well, if you're really fixing things with your DW, then there is no quandary for you. As you'll be NC with ex-mistress and what she tells her DH is nothing to do with you.

If you want advice on 'how I can get everyone around me to do exactly as I say, so I get my way all the time' then the only answer is 'forget it, you don't get to control other people like that'

If there is something else on which you want advice, could you be a bit more explicit in saying what that is?

Whoisalanbrazil Sun 12-Aug-18 15:12:45

The way that reads is that you were leaving your wife for her but when you found out she's been lying to her husband about still seeing you, you've decided to stay with your wife. Lucky wife.

Do your wife a big favour and leave her anyway, you're worthless and she is better off without you.

PurpleDaisies Sun 12-Aug-18 15:15:46

Anoth is anoth? Is that supposed to be enough is enough?

You sounds absolutely awful.

Willie1973 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:15:49

Excuse me I haven't tried to control anyone . Just wanted some advice. I am no NC with the ow . But can't see why denial

PurpleDaisies Sun 12-Aug-18 15:17:20

If you’re nc now, why does the denial matter?

Are you really surprised that a low life cheat wouldn’t honestly admit to what they’ve been doing?

Willie1973 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:17:46

We all make mistakes in life and this was a very big one and

obsessedpoas Sun 12-Aug-18 15:20:22

God I feel sorry for your wife! Horrible man you are! Should be ashamed of yourself! "Wife wants too try again so I'm grabbing it with both hands" Jesus Christ!!!! What's wrong with you! Leave your poor wife alone and divorce her she will be better off in the long run! What the hell have you done too the poor women too make her feel so low that she must stay with a cheating scum bag like yourself ewww ewww ewww

Willie1973 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:20:44

Because all keep getting is ex husband wanting know what's gone on . And I blocked them both as me and the wife wants to try at making amends she has been honest with me because I came cleaned and owned up even tho it wasn't over

ivykaty44 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:20:57

The problem with having an affair with someone - as you have found out - is they are liars, they lie to thier spouse and the AP thinks it is just the spouse they lie to... it isn’t unfortunately they lie to everyone, even themselves

obsessedpoas Sun 12-Aug-18 15:21:08

3.5 years isn't a mistake you idiot!! It's a choice. You make me sick

Whoisalanbrazil Sun 12-Aug-18 15:22:30

I'd be surprised if he understood you even if you told him.

Willie1973 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:22:34

Thanks ivy kitty for that well put i know I don't deserve a second chance .

PurpleDaisies Sun 12-Aug-18 15:22:36

And I blocked them both as me and the wife wants to try at making amends she has been honest with me because I came cleaned and owned up even tho it wasn't over

You seem to want congratulations for that.hmm

IAmInsignificunt Sun 12-Aug-18 15:23:31

I don’t get why the denial matters to you?
If you now aren’t going to be together because your wife is giving you a second chance why do you care that the OW is lying her way into saving her marriage?

YeTalkShiteHen Sun 12-Aug-18 15:25:32

So you didn’t come clean did you?

I’m thinking you live under a bridge.

SymphonyofShadows Sun 12-Aug-18 15:26:29

Can you really blame the OW's husband for wanting to know the details of how long you've been fucking his wife? She's a lying cunt so she's not going to tell him. So he won't leave you alone, boo-fucking-hoo. You made your bed and shit in it too, now roll around in it.

Willie1973 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:26:41

Well it was over for me with ow she wouldn't let go

YeTalkShiteHen Sun 12-Aug-18 15:27:12

You have absolutely no respect for women at all.

Willie1973 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:29:22

Her husband has known all along . What she's been doing. It's him who want to know the in and out . I just think he will not leave me and my wife alone until she tells him the truth

YeTalkShiteHen Sun 12-Aug-18 15:30:21

It’s called karma.

Willie1973 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:32:28

My wife has also been contacted by both parties. We just want to move on . She just needs to tell him . It's all about end result of her divorce

PortiaCastis Sun 12-Aug-18 15:32:41

Take a tip sunshine, keep your knob in your pants and then you'll not get into another hideous mess and ruin more lives

SymphonyofShadows Sun 12-Aug-18 15:33:35

I'm not sensing any shame or guilt here. Perhaps he wants to know because he's going to kick the living shit out of you. Not ideal but we all make mistakes...

SexTrainGlue Sun 12-Aug-18 15:33:45

"Excuse me I haven't tried to control anyone"

Bollocks mate. You're trying to control what other woman says to her husband. Cut it out.

YeTalkShiteHen Sun 12-Aug-18 15:33:56

Portia you’d think he’d heed that eh? I doubt it though, men like him never do.

Willie1973 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:35:16

He knows where I lives he even suggested I met him for a coffee . Yes I am full of remorse . It the hardest days of my life ever

YeTalkShiteHen Sun 12-Aug-18 15:37:20

Bet it wasn’t fun for your wife either, and given that she wasn’t complicit in blowing her life apart, my sympathy lies with her.

Willie1973 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:39:00

No it's wasn't nice . Keep kicking I only come to see if anyone had been in this position

Willie1973 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:40:56

All her husband wants to know is the truth . That's all it none of my concern and me and my wife both told him he needs to ask her himself. She won't tell him so he hounds us

YeTalkShiteHen Sun 12-Aug-18 15:41:29

You’ll be waiting a while, you’re quite the piece of work. I don’t know any men who think the way you do, thank god.

Pompom42 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:42:54

I wouldn't worry. If she wants to lie to him about what happened and how long she hasn't been seeing you for etc I wouldn't worry.
Maybe she thinks she will get less money in the divorce settlement if he knows the truth I don't know.
Just concentrate on making amends with your wife and forget what ow is doing or saying.

Willie1973 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:43:18

I am not a bad person because of one mistake.

PurpleDaisies Sun 12-Aug-18 15:44:28

It wasn’t one mistake. It was a continuous string of mistakes lasting three and a half years.

Willie1973 Sun 12-Aug-18 15:45:04

Thank u pompon that's what we are doing .

MapMyMum Sun 12-Aug-18 15:45:13

If it doesnt matter to you anymore then just tell him everything. Stop trying to make out you're taking the moral high ground by not telling him everything about the affair you had with his wife. One message telling him everything and then both you and dw block both of them and move on

Willie1973 Sun 12-Aug-18 16:18:43

Map my mum that's what we have done . So hopefully we can move forward

Jamboree05 Sun 12-Aug-18 17:24:58


So you originally decided to be with the OW and have now jumped back into bed with your wife because things got complicated. You sound like an absolute piece of work.

And no, you haven't made a mistake. You might have been able to label a drunken one night stand as a mistake, but a 3.5 year affair? Jog on.

I hope you're wife comes to her senses and kicks you to the curb. She deserves so much more.

B00kworm86 Sun 12-Aug-18 17:31:12

Goodness....aren't you a catch? Your poor DW!

1forAll74 Mon 13-Aug-18 03:33:32

There are lots of shouty and barbed comments about the op on here,but not from me. Its quite possible to eventually move forward after affairs.
Cheating and lying and all the other horrible things that happen,, don't always mean the end of the road for some people.
I was in the same situation myself years ago,so am not just speaking empty words here.

ScrubTheDecks Mon 13-Aug-18 04:35:19

She is denying your recent relationship because she is trying to stay with her husband. It isn’t your business and you should not be interfering.

You need to be very very honest with yourself: if she would have you, would you prefer to be with the other woman?

If you would it is not fair to stay with your wife as ‘second best’, as your insurance policy. If you still have feelings for the other woman, it is not fair to allow your wife to believe she can have a good marriage with you.

However, if the OW wants to stay with her husband, you have no right to try and stop her except by telling HER (not her husband), your feelings. Then you have to accept her decision.

If you are truly trying to rebuild your marriage with your wife, why are you even thinking about what the OW told her husband?

victoriafacio733 Fri 17-Aug-18 02:54:25

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

jugglinthemall Sat 18-Aug-18 23:16:50

Many folk think that an affair is the end but apparently >90% therapists do think a marriage can't survive an affair. They still remain the choice and responsibility of the cheater, especially 3 years in. It's hard to believe it because what keeps you going is the belief that at some level something that your spouse lacks is the problem that drove you to it. This must change and you must completely own what you did. One of your comments said that she was honest with you and do you want to make a go of it. You forfeited your entitlement to any honesty from anyone when you embarked on having your cake and eating it. She now has choice. That is what you kept from her, with your self interested delusions of trying not to hurt her. If you want your marriage to survive, stop asking Mumsnet for sympathy and go to your wife and really empathise... it will be new to you, so likely uncomfortable.

Scorpvenus1 Mon 17-Jun-19 11:40:37

hahahaha so OP is gutted he isn't that important and has put wife onb back burner, oh what an asshole. Am I allowed to swear.

Splitting up a marriage too, you should be hanging your head in shame, get some self control and leave the poor woman (your wife) so she can move on to something better and not the likes of you.

Scorpvenus1 Mon 17-Jun-19 11:41:46

Cheating and lying and all the other horrible things that happen,, don't always mean the end of the road for some people.

Yea if you are weak and bordering pathetic. No self respect.

RoRosmama Mon 17-Jun-19 11:48:00

The reason for her denying it is because she still wants to stay with her husband. Either that or she doesn't want to hurt him. Can see another reason.

MashedSpud Mon 17-Jun-19 11:51:59

Your “mistake” lasted almost 1300 days and nights. That sounds more like selfish deception to me.

I hope your wife “makes a mistake” and has an affair on you. Then let’s see how you feel about a “mistake”.

Laylajaney Sat 24-Aug-19 16:28:23

Stop excusing yourself. Things wil never be the same again between you and your wife.
Split up and start again as friends but separately. Live separatley if its possible.
Your wife can have a chance at anew relationship.

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