How do I stop this

[Lookingfortruth]

I’m new to this so apologies if what follows is a bit rambling...

A year ago today I got caught having an affair. It had been going on for three months with a woman from work. My found messages on my phone. At that time, I broke all contact with the OW and although my wife kicked me out of the house I vowed to do everything I could to get her back.

I stayed at my parents house until December and then moved in to my place. I got some individual counselling for me in January this year and all through this time I was faithful, even though I knew my wife was seeing other people (which I don’t blame her for). It was this way until around the end of February or early March.

At this point, I had somehow forgotten everything I’d read about needing to give the parter space and time and absolutely no contact with OW. At first we started by talking and just being friends, then there was a drunken kiss and it ended up with us sleeping together again. This basically all happened over the course of about a month or 6 weeks.

Since then, my wife and I have been starting to patch things up but I was still friends with OW and I hadn’t told my wife. The next bit is obvious... a couple of weeks ago she found out about the OW still being in contact with me when she called me one night when we were together, after a really nice date in fact.

What makes it worse, is that I lied to try to save my arse (I tried to convince her we just kissed) then deleted all OW messages when my wife asked to see them and went on to wipe of stuff so my wife couldn’t recover it.... I basically tried to bury the thing that was about to ruin everything I was trying so hard to rebuild.

To get to the point, because I didn’t think about wtf I was doing and the impact it would on my wife I have put us back to day 1. She says it’s worse that I lied and I see that.

I have broken off contact with OW again. I love my wife. How do I stop being this man that can’t see the impact of my actions and tells lies.

Am I deluding myself that I have a chance at changing and getting my wife back? I know many other people on MumsNet (men and women) are on the other side of this thread and the advice to them is clear and very often LTB, would value your view too as someone that has made too many mistakes but wants to do better.

[NewbieSpartacus]

The really nice date was with OW?

[NewbieSpartacus]

Oh, OW called you when you were on a date with your wife?

[OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow]

Two chances of getting back with your wife- none and a dog's.
You're still having an affair and you got caught. Your wife now sees you for what you are.

[Rocinante1]

You need to let your wife move on. You're not going to change. You want to be the good guy because it's what you should be... But it's not what you are.

You're a cheat and a liar. You've done it twice, you will do it again. The time it's going to take to change you, the work you need to put into it... that's all going to take a long time. And your wife shouldn't give that to you unless it's what she desperately wants, but after what you've done I don't think she will.

[AmazingPostVoices]

I basically tried to bury the thing that was about to ruin everything I was trying so hard to rebuild.

Not trying that hard though were you?

Not trying so hard that you didn’t sleep with the OW again?

Not trying so hard that you were honest with your wife?

“Trying” isn’t worth anything in this situation.

What you say doesn’t matter, it’s what you do that counts.

And what you chose to do was shag about and lie. Again.

Would you forgive her for that if the situations were reversed?

[Baumederose]

You're fucked

And rightly so

Weak

[AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale]

Does your wife deserve to have a lifetime of mistrust? Would you want that for her? Or would you want her to have a happy, faithful relationship? Something you cannot give her, this is proven. Stop looking at it from what you want and ask yourself what is actually best for your wife. Is a relationship with you actually what is best for her? If you ever loved her you should want the best for her, you should want her to be happy and that means you stepping back and accepting that you aren’t what is best for her. You have hurt her twice now. You don’t deserve a chance to do that again. Stop trying to get a chance. Stop putting her in the position of having to say no to you. Be a man, own your behaviour and the consequences and leave her alone.

[Wolfiefan]

So your issue isn't the affair? It's that you "got caught"? So you don't regret it at all?
You forgot not to contact OW? Bollocks.
You're a lying cheat. Here's hoping she gets an STI check before walking away from you for good and being with a decent man.
HTH

[SomeKnobend]

Either you are a complete fucking plank, by which I mean like a genuine moron, or you are in fact deluding yourself about how much you actually want to be with your wife. Maybe you just want what you can't have? I think you should have a really honest think to yourself about why you continued the affair (friendship, my arse, you knew what your wife would think about any contact with ow). Obviously you've completely wasted your opportunity to reconcile with your wife, my advice is grow a fucking brain and be properly faithful in your next relationship.

[AdoraBell]

You are clearly not committed to your marriage. If you have any regard for your wife then be honest with her so that she can move on with her life.

[Luckystar1]

Your poor wife. She must be absolute beside herself. You have just devastated her again.

My husband and I are 8 months into his affair recovery and if this happened I would be completely and utterly bereft.

I’m sorry to say you have brought this on yourself. Every single consequence is down to your behaviour.

Your poor wife. You have literally thrust her into her worst nightmare.

[AWomanIsAnAdultHumanFemale]

Actually you know the best thing you could ever do for your wife? Have her post her story on MN.

[buddhababy123]

How long were you married for and do you have children together?
I find it interesting that during the 5 or so months that you were living away from the marital home your wife was already seeing other people.
Perhaps the marriage is not as committed as either of you might have hoped for when entering into it.

Relate has some good advice for moving on from affairs, whether together or apart. Maybe some couple counselling would be the way to go. As far as lying goes, people do it all the time, obviously there are times when it is more or les damaging. In an affair situation there is the added issue of STD's (that was one of my gut reactions when ex cheated, numerous times...) and again, relate talks about this too. The trust thing. Good luck, whatever the outcome.

[Bananalanacake]

Lordfarcroft. You need to start a new thread as it won't be noticed here.

[0ccamsRazor]

Stop doing the poor me act and have some self respect Op.

Then respect your xw

[Racecardriver]

Just accept that you are a complete arse hole and your wife is too good for you. At least you still have your tart-why not shack up with her?

[Thebluedog]

I’m sorry but you’ve right royally fucked it. You need to let your wife go so she can start a life without you.

You were very lucky to get another chance with her and you’ve wrecked that chance.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

Either you are a complete fucking plank, by which I mean like a genuine moron, or you are in fact deluding yourself about how much you actually want to be with your wife.

^ This with bells on.

You want to fuck around. Fill your boots. Really, fuck as much as you like. Have the balls to break things off with your DW first properly. You don't actually love, like or respect your DW. So stop pretending and be honest.

You've probably ruined your DW's ability to trust ANYONE again, never mind you.

[Devilledavocado]

There's an adage about it being easier to ask for forgiveness than permission. But I think that is blown out of the water when you have already caused such devastation as an affair brings. Presumably you knew that your wife wouldn't grant you permission to be in contact with the OW if you asked? So what makes you think she would forgive you for not only getting in touch, but shagging her and lying about it again? Except it sounds like you weren't going to ask forgiveness just hope not to get caught again It takes years for people to recover from the betrayal of an affair, so if she hasn't yet forgiven that then I can't really see her deciding to forgive a second betrayal.

[picklemepopcorn]

No. Too late, sorry. Your wife doesn't want a man who is interested in other women. She wants a husband who doesn't want other women. You have twice, TWICE, demonstrated that she is not the only woman for you. Leave her alone.

[TomPinch]

as someone that has made too many mistakes but wants to do better

But can you honestly say to yourself that you will do better? If not, ask yourself whether it's fair on her to ask her to give you another chance, with the heartache that may involve?

The reality is that you have to own your mistake, and only time will tell if you will be a better man in future - time that you're not entitled to spend with your wife.

I admire your guts for coming on here for advice.

[alfiebuster]

Wow you self absorbed waste of skin. Everything in your message reads ‘poor me’ I made a mistake but you seem to miss the calculation throughout and the decisions you actively made to try and get what you wanted and now you’re like ‘I just want to do better’ and ‘I forgot’. If you wanted to do better you would have removed yourself from the potential risk of re-offence and you don’t forget things of such high importance to the wellbeing of you and your marriage. Once can be forgiven if truly buy in to redeeming yourself but twice, and with same person, is a massive f#@! You to anyone you care about 🤬

[Gluttie20]

Do you also love the other woman? What do you get from her that your wife cannot give you?

[decentchap]

I would kick you into the long grass and release a load of snakes. You are a total prick. What would you feel if your wife did this ? Life is 'do as you would be done by' and you are a total failure at it. Your best hope is to tell her you have been a complete prick - you value her above everything and will stay away or do as she wishes - you still love her - if you do.
Personally, were I her, I'd look for someone reliable and not self-delusional. Stop asking people to forgive you and behve like you should