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Lack of sex frustration

(34 Posts)
Boosterseat1 Wed 19-Jul-17 08:45:31

I've been with my GF for almost a year and half now, sex has always been off and on i.e. a week full of it then a week off, never consistent.

During this time she has sited numerous problems her end as to why she can't have sex. Including soreness after waxing, thrust, headache, tiredness (a lot) and obviously period (which I don't have an issue with.) these issues always seem to drag out longer than you'd expect.

I'm starting to believe she is just not interested in sex at all really, I suspect she's had sex issues in the past but she's a bit closed off when talking about these things.

The tiredness thing I find really annoying as I work just as hard as her and have a very active life away from work including looking after my child. I have a healthy sex drive, though not extreme, 3 times a week would be fine for me so nothing over the top yet I've started to feel like a bit of a sex pest over the past few months.

It's starting to turn a bit nasty now, her claiming I'm pressuring her all the time and just wanting her for sex (not true) and me throwing some major strops in return, she also seems to think it's a good idea to tease me in the morning, playing with me for a bit then rushing off to work, effectively leaving me hanging. Unlike myself she has never been forthcoming with foreplay or with satisfying me in other ways, and has openly said she can't be bothered as it takes too long.

We now haven't had sex for weeks, due to her latest issue, I feel I can't enquire about timescales or progress as she will accuse me of pressuring again. I think she's testing me to see how I react. I'm getting seriously annoyed and frustrated and for the 1st time thinking of going elsewhere. None of my previous relationships have been like this, so one sided. I'm a good looking , very fit guy but feel like my confidence is being sapped. It's a shame as apart from this issue we are a great couple and I love her lots, and we are making plans for future.

But a lifetime of this feels me with dread, I'm a divorcee and not looking to make any more mistakes relationship wise.

Really the question is should I cut my losses and find someone else or just lower my expectations for potentially the rest of my life, can that actually work ?

plannedshock Wed 19-Jul-17 08:54:38

Your going to get a telling off.
Cut your loses. It's obviously a big deal for you, I guess you should still be in the honeymoon period. You don't want to start nagging each other about sex.
Best thing to do is actually have a proper talk, see what's going on. You just might not be sexually compatible.

cowbag1 Wed 19-Jul-17 09:02:24

It always bewilders me that people think they are justified in cheating because they aren't getting enough sex.

Have you tried communicating with her properly about this? If so, then you're obviosuly not a good match and after only a year and a half, I'd be calling it a day.

How the hell does "going elsewhere" solve anything?

BertramTheWalrus Wed 19-Jul-17 09:03:18

lower my expectations for potentially the rest of my life, can that actually work ?

No, that can't work. Sex is a huge part of a relationship and if sex drives differ, this is going to become a massive problem. You are already involved in a very unhealthy dynamic, with you pestering and her making excuses.
Of course you need to have a proper conversation about this, even though it doesn't sound as if she is ready to be honest and open about it. I'd start by asking her about the teasing - what is that about?
There are many threads about lack of sex in relationships in Mumsnet, read some of them. They are really helpful.

Scoobydoobydont Wed 19-Jul-17 09:06:40

It always bewilders me that people think they are justified in cheating because they aren't getting enough sex.

Well, it bewilders me that people in loving long term relationships don't place any importance on sex and the other partners desires and then get surprised that the partner who feels neglected seeks that fulfilment elsewhere.

I guess that proves people are different and that that is what makes the world an interesting place.

Tilapia Wed 19-Jul-17 09:13:02

OP, you don't come across as very empathetic in your post.

For example the bit about tiredness shows a lack of understanding about your wife and her sexual feelings. Maybe you can have lots of sex as well as a full busy life, but she needs to be feeling calm and unstressed in order to fully enjoy sex. That doesn't mean she's making excuses or pretending to be more tired than you - it just means you're different people!

It sounds like maybe the two of you are too incompatible for this to work.

cowbag1 Wed 19-Jul-17 09:18:55

I'm not condoning ignoring issues in your sex life. I agree it can be a vital part of a relationship. But how does cheating solve anything? It's just cowardice and taking the easy option instead of tackling the problem to come up with a mutually agreed solution or ending the relationship.

Boosterseat1 Wed 19-Jul-17 09:28:02

When I said go elsewhere, I meant find someone else completely, not cheating, I wouldn't do that.

I have lost a bit of patience I'll admit especially with the tiredness thing, I mean who isn't tired after a days work.

We don't live together either so we have approx 3 days a week apart, which to me makes it even more of a rejection

Smeaton Wed 19-Jul-17 09:33:58

You're not compatible so end it. You'll struggle to find a woman who will find pestering for sex when they're not feeling sexy a turn on though, but its a risk you'll have to take.

I'd also suggest rethinking your attitudes. You want sex 3 times a week but only see her four days a week... So you're pestering her just about every night... This is a woman, an independent and self minded person I assume? not some hole merely for your pleasure? Someone with moods? Emotions? Not a robot with a 'Horn On' switch?
Maybe u should try treating her like a person and not thinking about your needs all the time.

Boosterseat1 Wed 19-Jul-17 09:38:45

A little bit harsh as I honestly do a lot for her and she's very happy with me in general (I think) would see her more often but we both have busy schedules,it's not just me dictating the frequency of nights spent together.

I've never been a sex pest in my life, and I hate what I am becoming to be honest, hence my post, some serous thinking to do I seems

Tilapia Wed 19-Jul-17 09:42:36

"Who isn't tired after a day's work" - you're still missing the point OP. It's not about who is or isn't more tired than the other one - it's about how much the fact that you are feeling tired affects your sexual desire.

londonfeather Wed 19-Jul-17 09:45:06

You sound unbearable - you don't have an "issue" with her having a period?!

Asparaguswee Wed 19-Jul-17 09:45:10

So she doesn't want sex and in response you 'throw major strops' yeah that's going to work. Nothing is sexier than a man having a strop because you don't want sex, really sexy behaviour that is, turns me right on......
Pathetic behaviour, I wouldn't have sex with you either, she doesn't belong to you, you have no rights over her body just because you do a lot for her or keep yourself fit! You sound like a controlling sex pest. Call it off, at least that gives her a chance to find a decent guy who doesn't treat her like a blow up doll, and you can try your creepy controlling behaviour on your next unsuspecting victim.

MineKraftCheese Wed 19-Jul-17 09:50:55

You need to break up with her or start wanking more.

What advice do you want? The facts are: you want to have sex more often/frequently than your partner does.

You have no right to sex with her. She has the right to refuse EVERY TIME if she wants and you are FREE to break up with her.

What are you moaning about? Walk away and find the nympho of your dreams.

Smeaton Wed 19-Jul-17 09:52:51

Op... Let's imagine for a second you love playing golf. You meet someone who loves golf just as much as you. At first you're playing golf every day and its good.
Soon though, your back aches a bit and you don't fancy going that day... Your friend does though, so he call you, text you, WhatsApp you multiple times trying to convince you to go, you decide to go and play to keep your friend happy. But your back hurts and, though you enjoy it, its not as good as when your back isnt hurting and it makes ur back worse. Next day you have a hard day at work and your backs hurting... Still your phone is constantly beeping because your friend wants to play golf...
"Come play, I want to, I need to, come on, u enjoyed it last time, don't worry about tiredness, I'm tired too, come on"
Again you go to keep them quiet only this time you don't enjoy it at all... You're tired, your back hurts, you play 9 holes to keep your friend happy and then go home.... So on and so on.

How long do you think you'd want to be anywhere near that friend? How much would them pestering you to play golf make you want to play golf?

Seriously think about it.

Wouldn't you rather play one really good game of golf a month that both of you enjoy than play a quick 9 hole thast you don't really want just to keep your friend happy?

StarHeartDiamond Wed 19-Jul-17 10:01:42

It sounds as though you have differing sex drives. Nothing wrong with you wanting it more as equally there's nothing wrong with her wanting it less. I don't think you sound unbearable. Either discuss and find a way to meet in the middle or agree to end it if you can't find a middle ground.

How would you feel if she agreed to once a week? Would that be too little for you? Bear in mind if she feels the pressure is off then she might feel like instigating it herself and more often than in s a week. It sounds like you do the instigating because you have the higher sex drive.

Do you treat her well emotionally? Do you look after her in the way that she likes? This is a completely personal thing to each individual but for example I love it when my hair is stroked or my dh does or says something affectionate or protective no matter how small or silly like calling me a nickname or taking off my boots for me unasked when I'm struggling with them that makes me feel precious to him outside of the bed. It's not about flowers and jewellery - quite the opposite.

Boosterseat1 Wed 19-Jul-17 10:04:23

All fair points, thanks, that's why I posted, to get opinions, I'm a reasonable person though hard to get that across while discussing this subject.

Notmyrealname85 Wed 19-Jul-17 10:09:31

I think people get a bit defensive in their posts because they recognise their own issues here - everyone has different drives and there's no one right way, it sounds like you're just not compatible which is a shame flowers Good luck with the break up, and fingers crossed you both find better suited partners. Not a matter of anyone's preference being better than another, you both just need to find more compatible partners

MineKraftCheese Wed 19-Jul-17 10:13:56

Other relevant issues: does she enjoy sex when you do have it? Does she orgasm?

Boosterseat1 Wed 19-Jul-17 10:19:13

Yes she does, I always make sure I look after her

MineKraftCheese Wed 19-Jul-17 10:21:06

@Boosterseat1 if that's the case then I think it's sadly a case of incompatible drives sad

lovemycatsanddog Wed 19-Jul-17 10:21:16

I think if this is going to be an ongoing issue you need to walk away
Sex in a relationship is very important, but you both need to be in the same mind
This is supposed to be the honeymoon period, and if its not right now,i doubt it ever will be
My feeling is that shes not as emotionally involved as you,
Are you sure she loves you, as much as you say you love her
I think the feelings are one sided,or she would,or should be wanting you as much as you want her

jacketej Wed 19-Jul-17 10:34:20

Sex is a big thing in relationships for me; crap sex or no has a massive impact as you lack that intimacy. I think for a relationship to work you've got to be on the same page sex drive wise, your not.

I'd cut my loses as 5 years down the line will it actually be any better?

MissJC Wed 19-Jul-17 10:51:49

I completely disagree with sitting her down and seeing if she will agree to once a week or some other compromise. That will just remove spontaneity from the equation and turn it into even more of a chore for her. Then you will be arguing at the end of the week when no sex has happened.

I think you need to find out exactly where the issue is. Is it her libido? Is it you? Because I don't think it's fair for you to have to keep begging for sex. Maybe it's something fixable. Is she confident? Do you compliment her a lot? Tell her how beautiful and sexy you find her? Because confidence is key to having a good sex life and she might need a little reminder that you want to have sex because you fancy her and not because your balls are on fire.

I think occasionally anybody is entitled to say they can't be arsed as it's been a long day at work etc but to the point where your not having sex for weeks and weeks on end isn't fair. If my DP did this I would be crawling the walls! When I was pregnant and sometimes just couldn't be bothered I would craftily initiate oral- over in minutes and happy DP. Off to read my kindle I would go. Win win.

Some women think that just because they have moth eaten holes where their vaginas used to be they are entitled to not have sex for months and expect their partners to just smile, wave and have a good wank. I think the closeness that comes with having sex is vital. If your both not interested in sex then fine, no harm done but if one person in the relationship never wants to have sex whereas the other does then this can lead to a breeding ground of resentment.

Speak to your partner, if you can't reach a compromise consider that you are sexually incompatible.

Boosterseat1 Wed 19-Jul-17 10:52:43

Yep, highly unlikely, I think the thing that hurts the most is that I do worry about us losing our connection re:intimacy during these dry periods but she doesn't seem to really care or understand the importance. I'm not sure why as she makes it quite clear she does love me.

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