New user, help/advice please?(2 Posts)
Hi all, I haven't posted on here before so I guess I'm hoping for some support and to hear other's experience.
So currently, my ex-partner is withholding access for me to see my very young (under 1 years old) daughter and is also accusing me of DV.
She says I am unpredictable and 'smash plates and glasses'. This is something which I strenuously deny as I have never smashed any crockery purposely, or whilst being aggressive. It was a volatile relationship, a relationship that now I look back after being separated for 2 months it is painfully obvious that my ex has narcissism behaviour disorder in its purest form. However, I have always held my hands up whenever I have done anything wrong.
It was a relationship that very early on, I woke up one morning and said the wrong thing, she then told me to f-off and get out (of her house), I thought she was joking so stayed in bed. 15 mins later she shouted back up at me and told me to get out so I get my belongings, and hand her back the key. She then pushes me out of the living room and as I was walking out of the house she hit me around the back of the head as I left. At this point I didn't shout, no aggression or anything like that. So 15 mins later I'm at my house and she knocks the door, intact she refuses to leave until I open the door because she wanted to apologise, so I accept the apology. Fast forward a couple of months and she wants to move out of her house which is being rented by her Dad, because she believed her Dad was cheating on his partner and my ex didn't want anything to do with it. So I prepare the house and move all of her things. I didn't want to see my then girlfriend living on the streets so I had no other choice than to move her into my house. However, my house was on the market to be sold, within 1 month of her moving in, she had 'forgotten' to take her contraception pill and became pregnant. So now, I was in the position of having to sell my house, prepare for a new member of the family, and move a huge amount of items from a large house, into a much smaller 3 bed house. I finally sell the house but in the new house, every room is filled with boxes, floor to ceiling, and I was responsible for doing everything within the house. Sorting through all the boxes, shopping, cooking, rubbish, paying bills, caring for my pregnant girlfriend, whilst also working full time and seeing my other son on the weekend. With all of the stress I became incredibly frustrated and broke a door, I left and came back shortly after to get a few belongings. My then pregnant girlfriend stood at the top of the stairs shouting at me and wouldn't let me leave until I understood her argument. I simply wanted to leave so I could clear my head, I knew I wasn't right and didn't want to be there but she wouldn't let me leave- why would she stand knowing one step back would mean she would fall down the stairs? So as she was facing me, with no other option I placed my hand on her shoulder and tried to bring her towards the bedroom so I could get past and she shouted 'why are you trying to push me down the stairs!' In fact, this was all a delay tactic until her mum came and could see the state I was in, and her mum started shouting at me along with her husband- all this happened and I just wanted to leave. After this she moved out of the house and I took myself to counselling. I discussed my issues and there was an imbalance to my lifestyle which I took steps to address in the following weeks. So my ex came back to live with me and it was all good- we were excited to become parents, it was an incredible time with many happy memories which I will cherish for the rest of my life.
So after my paternity I returned to work, where her insecurities were almost ruling our relationship, I actually stopped going to work because of the incredible amount of responsibility she would put on me for her own emotions, on top of managing the whole household.
Throughout the months leading to Christmas, any problems then I would want to discuss them, however if it wasn't a problem to her then it's not a problem. But if she had an issue she would stand over me, shouting at me for lengths of time, when the shouting and swearing became too much for me I would want to leave. When I would go to leave she would use herself as a barricade so i couldn't leave, when she would move I would quickly get past, or shout and swear back at, her but as I was trying to unlock the door she would hit me in the back of the head. On one occasion I had managed to get in to the car, only for her to follow me and she even hit me whilst I was in the car. I was just trying to get away from her.
I put up with this but after Christmas she threw a knife at me, I ducked out of the way so it hit the wall. I didn't report it straight away because I just wanted her to get help. Her family knew about it but they didn't do anything. So I eventually finish the relationship in the new year. I reported her to the police and she's accepted a caution for hitting me, but police apparently saw 'no aggression' when she threw the knife. So, I have involved my solicitors and she has stopped all contact because of a wording in the solicitors letter. I've also sent her an invitation to mediation which she hasn't even responded to. All through this she has put up on FB about DV but has been clever in how she has done it and not named me. I live in a small town and finding it hard to move on with my life, however I've had several sessions with my counsellor who's given me pointers which I'm following. Such as rekindling close friendships, getting myself a new job, and looking at the future.
So, her solicitors have suggested I have supervised contact which is quite frankly ridiculous and unessisary because she has already let my parents pick up my daughter and my ex knew that I would see my daughter since the relationship ended.
So now, I am in the process of making an application to the courts for them to resolve child access.
Any thoughts anyone?
What a mess and a horrible time for you to go through. When you say supervised contact, do you mean only having access to the kids when someone other than your ex is there as well? It might not actually be such a bad thing - at least if the third person is neutral they can prevent any further problems between you and ex (from either direction) and so you can't be blamed in any misunderstandings and she can't attack you. They can keep conversation civil, and also possibly prevent you from getting back together with your ex - both things that I would think would be a sensible idea. I know at the moment getting back together sounds unlikely and also not something that usually people would want to prevent - but if you managed to partially heal things before then it seems you might be one of those couples who keep getting back together despite clearly not being a good match for the long run - you definitely should break this cycle. Hope your doing ok today
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