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Time with dd reducing.

(2 Posts)
VoyageOfDad Thu 09-Feb-17 22:15:23

I posted this in relationships but I doubt it'll garner much attention...

Help me avoid a clash with my XP.

There's a storm brewing and I'd like to navigate it without sinking any ships.

I have a dd , 8 , her mum and I never lived together, dd was not planned, the relationship short lived, but we both love her very much. We also live in different towns. About an hour and a half travel each way. I do all the travel. It's exhausting.

Where she lives is too expensive for me by a long shot, and I hate where she lives. And she'd not consider moving nearer me.

We have the every other w/e agreement and I travel up once in the week too to pick dd up from school and take her to an activity.

We generally get on, in a kind of sibling way. I have the keys to her flat, we've over lapped holidays in the past to save dd having to travel too much.

I'm a pretty easy going bloke, and if XP says dd has something important on my w/e I'll usually forego dd coming to mine and travel up to see her at her mums / take her out. But it means much less time with each other.

But this is happening increasingly. XP is a good mum, and gives dd a lot of things to do, music, dance etc, all of which dd thrives at. But she very much thinks dd should stay at hers.

The problem is I'm seeing less and less of dd since before Xmas . EOW is bad enough, but since before Xmas it's ramped up a lot and my time with dd is really getting to a pathetic stage. So I have to do something.

If I forego a w/e XP will never offer any time to make it up. She'll say I can see dd anytime in the week as if that's an equal alternative, but then tell me, as example, that that particular evenings activities are X, followed by Y, and needs to be home at Z time in order to settle. And it'd probably make sense if she did it. There's a contradiction there.

I'm fine with sharing the running around but it's not a substitute for the quality time I'm loosing with dd which I've told XP.

XP has never been happy about dd traveling to mine. Tbh I don't like all the travel either, I seem to spend half my life on trains and I feel terribly guilty that dd has to travel too. But there's not really another option unless I win the lottery.

Something needs to change and I need , I think, to communicate this to XP. It could potentially cause a rapid deterioration of our relationship, but I can't go on seeing less of my darling daughter.

I can only think of two options: one is to be much more belligerent about my w/e with dd but it'll damage the relationship, and any flexibility in our dealings. And dd will absorb her mums dissatisfaction.

Or suggest XP vacates her home for my w/e , and I stay at hers, possibly her staying at mine. Which I doubt she'd go for.

I'm in a bit of a state about it all 😔

Pannnn Thu 16-Feb-17 13:45:31

Sounds to be very tricky and frustrating.

I have a similar history and circumstance though dd is now 17 and lives only 15 mins or so away.

There's probably lots to say - essentially I have accepted a whole spectrum of shite behaviour over the years from dd's mum and I did my best to accommodate for it, as to 'take her on' means dangerously making life difficult for me re dd ( her mum actually threatened to do just that IF i didn't do an entirely unrelated task..). It would be really detrimental to NOT directly raise this development with her mum. It could be insensitivity or it could be something more designed. Either way, what you are saying is ENTIRELY reasonable and is a deterioration in the quality of your dd's life.
From my experience at least you should NOT be fearful of raising a trricky issue as a NRP. If you have a the alternating weekend thing as an agreement she can't start letting it slide around. Expecations and boundaries mate.

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