Stalemate over where to make home(26 Posts)
Hi, looking for some advice, maybe from some men who've been in my position.
I've been with my girlfriend for coming up three years: she's in her early 30s, I'm in my mid-30s. She has a six-year-old.
At present we live 20 miles apart. I'm happy for us to move the relationship on, I love her and see a future with her, but I just don't want to have to move to where she lives.
I own my home, which is the same city in which I work, and she rents off a family member. However, she has a 40-mile commute in the other direction, so her moving to where I live would add another 20 miles to her drive. I do accept that that is too much.
At present she is outright refusing to move from where she lives, as it would involve changing her child's school and probably her job. I understand her reasons, citing she is trying to keep things easy for her daughter so she doesn't have to change too much in one go.
She asked me whether I'd be willing to live with her for a year there, and then we'd all move back to my house; she'd change her child's school and would know a little more about what is likely to happening in her career (which is going through a lot of changes).
However, I just don't believe her that it would be for a year; and I just can't see myself being happy living in that town.
This has caused a heck of a lot of arguments, and she's accused me of being extremely selfish. I accept I am probably putting my own interests first as a result of a bad break-up in the past.
What would you say? Am I right to stick to my guns over this?
Sorry OP - it's not entirely clear from your post why exactly it is you don't want to live where she does - is it that you don't like the town, or that you want her in your house in case things go sour?
Scribblegirl: Bit of both. It is a small town with not a lot going for it. She has some nice friends whom we have really really pleasant times with, but it is just not somewhere I really want to live. She's said maybe we look outside of the town, but not ready to live in a one-pub village in the middle of nowhere.
And I do want to provide myself with some security - having gone through a messy divorce in the past - I know I wouldn't necessarily have to sell my place. She reckons renting it our would actually be a good financial move but I'm not convinced it will make much difference than if she lived with me.
I think for her it's a massive risk if living together doesn't work. She'd probably give up her job, uproot her dd, further away from friends etc.
If living together didn't work out she'd have a much bigger headache than you.
It's a risk assessment. She has more at steak if it goes tits up.
Move to hers for the one year. If it works out, you all move to yours. Happy days. A year isn't long.
Neither of you want to move. Your GF has some very valid reasons. Yours seem flaky (apart from wanting to maintain financial stability). There isn't really a compromise. One of you has to give or you stay as you are.
No way would I uproot a 6 yo one year into a relationship
Sorry, I've just re-read. You've been together three years.
I still think your GF's reasons trump yours.
Given the upheavel, her moving involves changing her job and her childs school when you just dont like the area then I think her reasons win iykwim.
Can you not move somewhere inbetween and rent out your place?
I get her reasons and I fully understand them 100%. It isn't just a fact of disliking the town; I wouldn't ever feel comfortable living in a house owned by someone in h e family. They don't live locally so that isn't the concern - I have never felt happy with the idea.
Then can you rent a different house together or are you not in to renting any house ever?
She has a kid. You don't. She wins.
To be honest, if you aren't seeing why her and the child's needs are greater, then perhaps you don't feel strongly enough to move in.
Why would you feel uncomfortable living in a home owned by her family? If you move in with her, presumably you can rent out your property, and should it not work then you can move back into your property. Or in a years time you may all move into it together. Or you can sell it and buy somewhere new for all of you. She gives up her house, and it doesnt work out, then she has nowt to fall back on and could end up homeless. Its a no brainer from her point of view.
Agree with VoD - she has more at stake than you if it doesn't work out. A year's trial at hers is reasonable, then if living together works you can discuss next steps.
I've been in situations involving renting from family and it ended very badly.
It would also be longer than a year - it would be until the next set of summer holidays, and that is quite a long time. But even so, that's not the main problem, it's I'm not convinced she will want to leave at the end; won't her daughter be even more settled in her school. Nothing there will change.
Its easier to change schools before the term starts. I think her concerns are valud and yours are not.
You had a bad experience renting but that is not to say every family landlird is bad.
I think the true picture is that you are not ready to move in with her and you are using flimsy excuses to validate not moving.
Leave things as they are and build up the trust because you really dont trust her given you think she wont move after a year.
But its not your family, so really you could treat her family member like any other Landlord.
If your saying its because your not sure you think she will move, then that is a valid concern. But equally she would not be unreasonable for wanting to move neither. And since she has the child, and she has most at stake, i'd say that she has more right to stick to her guns. It seems your only objection to moving to her town is that you cant see yourself being happy living in her town. Why not? Your putting up barriers before you have even gave it a try. If she moves to your town, she is going to have a 60 mile commute every day to work, she will have to uproot her child from school and familiar faces and leave herself open to a very vulnerable position should the strain be too much. You move, you add on 20 miles to your commute. How is that fair on her? In fact the more i read it, the more unreasonable and selfish you seem. Are you sure you want to be in a relationship with someone that has a child as you dont seem to understand all that it entails.
You've said the commute is too much for her. So that's that really. She can't move but you could.
And, yes, although the DC may have to move schools at some point, you aren't married or living together yet so it wouldn't be a 'family move'.
I'd suggest you move in with her for a year then it everything is hunky dory then buy another house 10 miles from where she lives now so its still quite close to her friends and family (im assuming), 30 miles is not overly far from your friends and family, and youd each have a 30 mile commute to work, a fair compromise. Or find another house around about where she stays so you are both closer to your friends, and not having really long commutes to work, and the child gets to remain roughly where she is settled.
I don't think waiting a bit longer is a bad idea; it is her who is driving us to move in together. That's not me shifting the blame - I think she would admit it is her putting on the pressure. I do tell her there's no hurry, but she says I need to give her something/show her I am serious about our future.
Well it has been 3 years so I dont think she is wrong to want a more secure and committed relationship. That said you have to want it too.
You need to be honest with her. Dont use your flimsy excuses as she will try to "solve" them so you need to say the truth is I am not ready.
Be prepared though as she may decide she has wasted 3 years on you and wants more commitment and ends the relationship.
I do appreciate the advice and you all taking time to post, thank you
As a previous poster said....It sounds like you're not that into her.
You say that she is driving the idea of moving in together. Sounds like what you mean is that you don't want to move in together and are finding reasons why it wouldn't work, unless you don't have to change anything.
It's ok to feel that you don't want to make this next step. And it's ok for things to end if you both want different things. But you need to be honest with yourself, and with her about that, and not blame circumstances, the town etc
If her DD is at an infant school rather than primary, she may be changing schools to a junior around then anyway.
Also if your local schools are full, ICS may mean her DD gets a place quite far away if she moves before Year 3
Nonetheless, it is very wise of her not to uproot her DD until she is more sure living together works.
Plus the commute - how would that work with getting her DD to school, amongst other things.
"but she says I need to give her something/show her I am serious about our future." She has a point. To every neutral observer, it doesn't sound like you are.
You are middle aged now OP (not pejorative- same age as me). Honestly, the home and family stuff (which is where you are heading if you commit) is really great. If you are going to do it you need to start putting her daughters needs above your own- that's a Dad's job.
If you don't want that with this lass, then fair enough; but you should probably be honest with her. If its just cold feet- jump in.
I also imagine she has changing her DD's school in mind for a specific month/Year and is counting back from then to "trial" living together, to an extent.
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