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18 replies

alan22011961 · 22/12/2016 16:45

Hi all, I'm new to the forum and need some advice please, I'm a very easy going 55 year old guy, I've lived with my partner and our two kids for almost 20 years, a few years ago things started to change with her, not interested in me, sex stopped happening and even a kiss and cuddle was as rare as a blue moon. Many times I asked her what was the problem and every time I was told "nothing" it's obvious there was and I managed to get our doctor to call her in on the basis of a check up, it turned out she was going through the menopause (as I suspected) and the doctor prescribed her HRT, she refused it, saying she would deal with it on her own terms. Roll on 4 years, with many arguments, resentment, silence for days on end, the doctor informed her she was through the menopause, but she still may have the odd hot flush, if she was having more than one per day, she was to go back and see the doctor, during this period, there was no intimacy between us, I was at a loss at to what to do or say, if I said anything that was not to her liking, the fireworks would start. I actually left on several occasions as was worried for my own safety and hers, I'm ashamed and I hate to admit this, but I was very close to getting violent with her as she would not stop the abuse once it got going, I never started any of this, it could be a simple question that set her off, I spent many hours with my head in my hands wondering if and what I could do.
In March this year, I had a little windfall, so I suggested that we used te money to have new windows and doors, then spend some on the attic to convert it into a bedroom, she was happy with this and we went a head, but only to a point, I have a schoolmate in the trade, he did the doors and windows at a very good price and for cash, this saved us at least £1,500 and I suggested we use it for a family holiday as we'd not had one for 7 years, she refused as it would mean leaving her mother alone, she has other family locally and they could have pipped round had there been any problems, so that was the holiday plans scuppered.
In summer, I had a seizure, was hospitalized for two days and was allowed home, but had to have no stress or excitement for at least 3 months incase it happened again. One big problem that arose from this event, was my memory, I had little or no memory of the previous 20 years, I had no idea we had kids, my mother had died or that I'd had a very serious accident in 2008 that changed my life forever, I had a spinal injury, which limited my movement, this led to the onset of osteo arthritis, mild depression, erectile disfunction, high blood pressure and several other minor ailments, I was fine with this and just did my thing around the house, cooking, cleaning etc, to give me something to do and help out generally. I took up joinery on a small scale in the garage, making bird boxes and bird tables, kids money boxes and small stuff just to keep my hands working.
On Monday gone, our bank called me and informed me that it was overdrawn, I said that it couldn't be, there should be several thousand in there, the caller informed me it was true and I should log into the account to check for myself. I did and it was overdrawn, on top of the money I had going into the account, she'd spent that and the remainder of the windfall, £15,000 had gone in a matter of months, she'd bought our daughter 4 pairs of trainer at £75 per pair, booked tickets to see shows and bands in London (she won't drive more than 20 miles of our house, so I don't see how she's going to get to London). There was multiple purchases at Amazon, the Factory Shop, Ebay, different beauty product companies and countless other things, when I questioned her about this, she told me that she'd asked me every time she wanted to buy something and I'd agreed, I hadn't, she'd just gone and done it.
It turned out that when my mother died, she'd left me £5,000, that had been wasted, she'd taken out a bank loan in both names to pay off her credit card bills and had spent the extra money left after paying them off, all this money is now being paid out of our joint account at a rate of £289 per month and still has 4 years to run, I know nothing of this and cannot do anything about it as it's in joint names. No charges of theft can be brought against her, so I'm left having to live with it.
I can honestly say been a perfect gent all the time we've been together (I have asked friends about my life before the seizure and they tell me I was a hard working guy who would do anything for anyone and never lifted a finger towards her or did anything wrong, I was the type of bloke who would put others needs before my own and would give anyone the shirt off my back and buy them a coat to make sure they were warm).
Have I been too nice and caring? What can I do? How do I protect myself? How do I proceed? I'm like a helpless baby, I'm just lost, I don't honestly think I can go on, I've got nothing, I cannot move out and set up on my home, I haven't a penny to my name, the only option I have is to put the house up for sale, then what ever it sells for, she'll get the most of it as I'm not in a position to look after the kids, so it's pointless.
I might as well just walk away and just keep walking till I cannot walk any more and I collapse.

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PastysPrincess · 22/12/2016 17:02

I can't imagine what you must be going through; this is awful. My heart is breaking for you. Theresno such thing as being too nice especially when it comes to someone who is supposed to be putting your needs first too.

Have you consulted a solicitor for proper advise? There may be something you can do with regards to protecting yourself from further loss.