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alan22011961 Thu 22-Dec-16 16:45:14

Hi all, I'm new to the forum and need some advice please, I'm a very easy going 55 year old guy, I've lived with my partner and our two kids for almost 20 years, a few years ago things started to change with her, not interested in me, sex stopped happening and even a kiss and cuddle was as rare as a blue moon. Many times I asked her what was the problem and every time I was told "nothing" it's obvious there was and I managed to get our doctor to call her in on the basis of a check up, it turned out she was going through the menopause (as I suspected) and the doctor prescribed her HRT, she refused it, saying she would deal with it on her own terms. Roll on 4 years, with many arguments, resentment, silence for days on end, the doctor informed her she was through the menopause, but she still may have the odd hot flush, if she was having more than one per day, she was to go back and see the doctor, during this period, there was no intimacy between us, I was at a loss at to what to do or say, if I said anything that was not to her liking, the fireworks would start. I actually left on several occasions as was worried for my own safety and hers, I'm ashamed and I hate to admit this, but I was very close to getting violent with her as she would not stop the abuse once it got going, I never started any of this, it could be a simple question that set her off, I spent many hours with my head in my hands wondering if and what I could do.
In March this year, I had a little windfall, so I suggested that we used te money to have new windows and doors, then spend some on the attic to convert it into a bedroom, she was happy with this and we went a head, but only to a point, I have a schoolmate in the trade, he did the doors and windows at a very good price and for cash, this saved us at least £1,500 and I suggested we use it for a family holiday as we'd not had one for 7 years, she refused as it would mean leaving her mother alone, she has other family locally and they could have pipped round had there been any problems, so that was the holiday plans scuppered.
In summer, I had a seizure, was hospitalized for two days and was allowed home, but had to have no stress or excitement for at least 3 months incase it happened again. One big problem that arose from this event, was my memory, I had little or no memory of the previous 20 years, I had no idea we had kids, my mother had died or that I'd had a very serious accident in 2008 that changed my life forever, I had a spinal injury, which limited my movement, this led to the onset of osteo arthritis, mild depression, erectile disfunction, high blood pressure and several other minor ailments, I was fine with this and just did my thing around the house, cooking, cleaning etc, to give me something to do and help out generally. I took up joinery on a small scale in the garage, making bird boxes and bird tables, kids money boxes and small stuff just to keep my hands working.
On Monday gone, our bank called me and informed me that it was overdrawn, I said that it couldn't be, there should be several thousand in there, the caller informed me it was true and I should log into the account to check for myself. I did and it was overdrawn, on top of the money I had going into the account, she'd spent that and the remainder of the windfall, £15,000 had gone in a matter of months, she'd bought our daughter 4 pairs of trainer at £75 per pair, booked tickets to see shows and bands in London (she won't drive more than 20 miles of our house, so I don't see how she's going to get to London). There was multiple purchases at Amazon, the Factory Shop, Ebay, different beauty product companies and countless other things, when I questioned her about this, she told me that she'd asked me every time she wanted to buy something and I'd agreed, I hadn't, she'd just gone and done it.
It turned out that when my mother died, she'd left me £5,000, that had been wasted, she'd taken out a bank loan in both names to pay off her credit card bills and had spent the extra money left after paying them off, all this money is now being paid out of our joint account at a rate of £289 per month and still has 4 years to run, I know nothing of this and cannot do anything about it as it's in joint names. No charges of theft can be brought against her, so I'm left having to live with it.
I can honestly say been a perfect gent all the time we've been together (I have asked friends about my life before the seizure and they tell me I was a hard working guy who would do anything for anyone and never lifted a finger towards her or did anything wrong, I was the type of bloke who would put others needs before my own and would give anyone the shirt off my back and buy them a coat to make sure they were warm).
Have I been too nice and caring? What can I do? How do I protect myself? How do I proceed? I'm like a helpless baby, I'm just lost, I don't honestly think I can go on, I've got nothing, I cannot move out and set up on my home, I haven't a penny to my name, the only option I have is to put the house up for sale, then what ever it sells for, she'll get the most of it as I'm not in a position to look after the kids, so it's pointless.
I might as well just walk away and just keep walking till I cannot walk any more and I collapse.

PastysPrincess Thu 22-Dec-16 17:02:57

I can't imagine what you must be going through; this is awful. My heart is breaking for you. Theresno such thing as being too nice especially when it comes to someone who is supposed to be putting your needs first too.

Have you consulted a solicitor for proper advise? There may be something you can do with regards to protecting yourself from further loss.

Childrenofthestones Sun 01-Jan-17 00:53:08

Legal without her knowledge either.

Toadinthehole Fri 06-Jan-17 08:40:13

See a solicitor now.

IHeardDonaldTrump Fri 06-Jan-17 08:44:24

This is financial abuse, I agree with the previous posters that you should speak to a solicitor. Also please speak to social services as you are technically a vulnerable adult.

alan22011961 Mon 29-May-17 20:51:02

Hi all, thank you for your comments and please accept my apologies for not being on here or replying, I've done as you suggested, the family solicitor has taken my fight on board as I was the first to contact him, so, that part of the new life for me is under way. I managed to get some money from our account, applied to the local council and got a nice bungalow in a matter of days. My ex was horrified when I went into the house, packed my bags and walked away, within an hour, I was back into our house, taking the tv, satellite system, hi-fi, microwave, kettle, toaster and some kitchen stuff, took that to my new place and an hour later, I was back again, she'd locked the doors, I've worked in double glazing before, so took a unit out and climbed back in, went upstairs, grabbed a load of clothes, during all this time, I never said a word to her, then I left and went home.
I never saw or heard anything from her for a week, during this time, I'd sorted out my finances, any benefits I was getting were now going into another account in my own name. I put the utilities into her name only, got the phone and internet in and settled down, a mate loaned me £2,000 to buy stuff with, so I bought a bed, cooker, fridge freezer, washing machine, settee and chair, blinds, wardrobe and after all that I was almost out of money. The DWP were playing silly buggers and I had no money for a month, so was living very frugally, in the space of 4 weeks, I lost 13 kilos of weight. I'm starting to get back on my feet and only 2 weeks ago, I was able to buy carpets, I know the weather has been warm, but walking on a concrete floor has been uncomfortable. I was also given a 6 month old leather 2 and 3 piece suite, very nice. I've hardly seen a thing of her, I won't answer the phone and she's got herself into more trouble, she's had to take out another bank loan to pay off her credit cards, she's having to get her mother to help out with her bills and yours truly is getting the blame from her family, I don't care, they know where they can go. On top of all this, a few old girlfriends have been coming to see me on a regular basis, so apart from having a good time, my ex is jumping up and down that I've sorted myself out so quickly and am having a whale of a time, what was a dire situation for me a few months ago, has turned around and given me something to live for.

juanlegonly Mon 12-Jun-17 16:46:27

Hi all, just an update from me.

At 9am this morning, my doorbell rang, I answered it and it was my ex, she threw some paperwork at me and turned around and walked away, I picked it up and saw it was post, I asked her before she got out of sight, "why didn't you put it through the letter box?!" She stopped, turned, shook her head and kept walking.
I still have some stuff at "our" house and some of the paperwork related to what was at home, at 11am I went round, knocked on the door and she answered it, she then said to me, "your not coming in, my mams here", her mother hasn't spoken to me for over 6 month and I had no intention of speaking to her. I was asked to return at 3pm, which I did, there was no-one in. I waited and at 3.15, our son returned from school, he said, "sorry dad, mam told me I can't let you in", I replied, "OK son, I'll just wait".
At 3.55pm she turned up and promptly told me, "I've too many things to do, come back another time", I was fuming, but said nothing as the neighbours were out in the street and our daughter was coming in from school. I asked when she would be in, her answer was, "I don't know", I have no keys for the house, even though I asked her for a set several weeks ago, so I could take out what is mine, even when she's not in the house, she informed me, I was not getting them as it was her house now, I said, "no, this house is in joint names and although I paid for it, ownership is shared and I want a set of keys. Then she fired one back at me, "you told me I could have the house and the contents", (I've never said such thing and there's nothing in writing), I refuted that statement and asked her for a set of keys, I said nothing more and walked away.
I called my solicitor today, but he's on holiday for a week, so I cannot do anything until he returns, so I'm stuck till next week. I good family friend of ours has been to see her on several occasions, not to act as a go between, but as a friend and nothing else, but he's told me, that she will not accept that she's done anything wrong, either by spending all the money, refusing me the keys to the house or anything else, she's flatly refuses to see or understand were she's gone wrong and says she's sticking to her guns. I think she's going off her rocker, plus the fact her brother is a bar stool solicitor and her mother is an evil old witch and I think my ex, is turning into her mother.
I have a lot of valuable stuff in the house that I want back, several thousand pounds worth of shooting and fishing gear, plus, I have my bikes, motorbike, tools and other stuff in the garage, I wouldn't be surprised if she's sold off some of my stuff.

I'm sat here, shaking my head with disbelief.


CatACombs Mon 12-Jun-17 17:11:51

Wow. What's going on in her head? Would love to hear her side..

juanlegonly Wed 14-Jun-17 12:01:50

Hi all, another blinding moment this morning, I was walking the dog and my ex's brother pulled up in the van, we've always got on well and he understands the situation with his sister and I, but he knocked me for six when I opened an envelope he gave me, it was an estimate to convert the attic and put a new roof on my old house. I said, "don't give this to me, give it to your sister", he replied, "she got her's yesterday", I stood and thought for a few seconds and a light came on. In July last year, he was supposed start work on the house, but because my ex had spent the money I'd set aside, he didn't bother turning up. I gave him the envelope back, and said, "I've not asked you to do this work, so I'm not paying", he hit straight back with, "Too late, I've bought all the stuff and I'm starting on Monday".
I ever said another word and walked away, if he does anything to the house, it's not on my authority and I will not be paying him, plus, I have no money to pay him, he can get stuffed.
I'm waiting for my solicitor to ring me back, this could be good fun.

SensitiveOldAgeGuy Thu 19-Oct-17 14:37:06

Just tell us more about the girlfriends.

RJnomore1 Thu 19-Oct-17 14:42:04

Crimes I haven't seen this before I wonder how Alan is getting on!

LittleLights Thu 19-Oct-17 14:48:51

I was just thinking o missed this first time round too but I tend not to read long opening posts I have a shite attention span

Auspiciouspanda Thu 19-Oct-17 14:58:27

Moved out and took the tv 😂😂 and the dad of the year award goes to....

RespoDad Fri 20-Oct-17 08:06:33

Yes, can I have the girlfriends' phone numbers? 😉

Childrenofthestones Sun 07-Jan-18 01:58:06

How you had a good Christmas Alan. Hopefully you are in a better position than you have been over the past few years.
If I could say one thing re the old girl friends turning up. Enjoy your freedom and newfound attention but don't rush into anything. You sound like a nice decent bloke, the sort that will miss having somebody there to talk to in the evenings. But just recall how wonderful everything was with your missus when you first got together and look how that turned out.
Think with the big head and not the little one. Keep your independence for a good while, at least until you are used to it and can make a well thought out, rounded decision about your future.
Good luck.👍🙂

Invincibleish Mon 08-Jan-18 01:20:10

Scary how marriage can end up even when kids are older. Hope you are ok. Not nice what’s been done to you.

Alicely Thu 18-Jan-18 00:16:26

Alan come back! You should start a blog. Hope 2018 is going well got you.

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