Does my wife go out too much?(12 Posts)
Looking to see if I'm perhaps being unreasonable, or wether I'm justified in being fed up.
Been with my wife for over ten years and have two kids, 6 and 1 year old. The last 6 months, I never seem to actually see my wife. I work Monday to Friday but am off work every weekend and she does shift work. She has about 4 or 5 different groups of friends, some from work, some from school, some from nursery, some from her previous works etc so she is never short of invites to nights out. I don't know or haven't met half of the friends she has. In the four weeks before Christmas she has 5 nights out planned and this is pretty typical. When she doesn't have plans to go out, she will either book overtime at work, often at weekends as she knows I'm available to mind the kids, or will swap a weekday for weekend so she has a day off in the week whilst the eldest is at School. She says it's because she can earn extra money, but we are very comfortable financially so don't believe this to be true.
During the week she goes to the gym either when I get in from work, or after she finishes work. She goes at least 5 times a week.
She already has two long weekends abroad booked for next year with her friends, a weekend away for a hen do in the U.K. And possible another long weekend abroad that she hasn't yet booked.
When I have raised it with her (in all honest usually when I'm annoyed so probably not in the best frame of mind to have a grown up conversation about it) she says I always ruin anything she does to try to be happy. She does 'book me in' to her calendar sometimes, but I've tried to explain that I just want to spend time at home on a Sunday in pj's watching a film with the kids, or going to the park as a family, but she gets frustrated when we stay in as she always needs to be out somewhere.
Other mutual friends have commented on it to me, asking If everything's ok with us as as facebook suggests she is always out on the piss, and now I'm starting to wonder myself.
I genuinely do not want to become a resentful controlling partner who stops her doing stuff with her mates, so am looking to see if this is acceptable and I should just get my head around it, or wether people think this is an issue that needs addressing.
I believe she is going out too much if I'm honest. It seems like she's trying to distract herself from something or someone and it seems to me she doesn't wanna be around yourself unless she has a reason or absolutely has to. She also could be trying to catch up on missed time with all of her friends etc. But i would definitely try and have "an adult conversation" with her before it escalates into something bigger.
doesnt sound like shes making any time for your relationship
Instead of focusing how much she is out, why not tot up how much she is with you. You might find it's more than you think, once you stop adding up her social life hours.
But if you feel unhappy that you never get time together - tell her. Ask her to make time spent together a bit more important. If you only raise it when annoyed you arent going to get as good a response as if you had a calm discussion about it.
It isnt nice to feel like you're last on the priority list of your partner and if she loves you she's going to want to make you feel that she enjoys your company too.
Have a calm conversation about it
Ok, so on average she goes out once a week or so and she does the gym most nights? Sorry I'm not seeing the problem with that if I'm honest. If she was out with her mates several times a week maybe, but I don't see anything wrong with going to the gym or having a weekly night out with friends.
As for the shift work, maybe she just wants time away from looking after the kids at weekends. Sometimes the sad reality is often work is easier than running around after people.
The only way to resolve anything is to talk it out with her. If it was my husband I'd have to tell him how it was making me feel that he didn't appear to want to spend any time with me or with the kids as a family.
It's perfectly fine to have a social life but what you're describing does seem a little excessive. I can see where she's coming from with going to the gym etc, but it's important you both have time with the kids as well as time alone as a couple. Maybe that's what you're missing?
Could you suggest a few 'date nights'?
A night a week on the run up to xmas is normal, no?
I have been away for two weekends on my own since September and away with the kids for half term. My husband also went to visit his gran for a weekend. We also have a great relationship.
I go to the my sport one night a week too.
I think it seems excessive. She's definitely avoiding being at home. I'm not sure how many nights she's out a week socialising? Five nights at the gym a week is a luxury. Very odd with a one year old at home.
Do you go to the park as a family? What does she do with kids? Is she avoiding all family life or just you?
Thanks for the responses - a mixed bag so maybe not as cut and shut as I thought. If it was just the nights out that would be fine, and to be fair I've had a few night out myself. Also the gym thing I don't mind, as I know it makes her feel good about herself which I realise is important, but that, combined with her volunteering to work weekends when that's literally the only time we see each other is the problem.
Also have to say that have no suspicions whatsoever that there is any one else involved - I trust her implicitly in that respect. She is also a fantastic mother to the kids and they always come first to her, and to me.
So I guess all I'm left with is, maybe she doesn't want to be around me. Or at least that's how it feels. I liked the advice earlier to keep track of times we spend together and maybe that will be an eye opener for me so I'll definitely try that.
Also I agree, I need to raise this issue calmly and clearly rather than when I know I'm feeling annoyed, so I'll also try that if it continues to be an issue.
Thanks for the comments
Drama - do you mind a woman commenting? (not sure if dadsnet is just for the dads, if so, ignore me.) I go out about once a week, sometimes twice (our DC are much older than yours). My DH goes out once every two months. I have a weekend away with friends about once a year, if that. DH never does. the difference is: I'm extrovert and he's introvert. I realised after years of trying to be the quiet stay at home spouse he is, that it made me really ill. Depressed. I need the liveliness of company and change of scene. He says he doesn't mind but is very grumpy and gives me lots of jobs tohe next day, as if angry that I have fun.
It's really important to understand that what's right for one isn't right for another, and people have the right to be happy if they're not taking the piss. I think one night out a week in the run up to Christmas and regular exercise is really not unfair. As long as you get equivalent down time to do whatever you need to do to feel right in yourself, even if it's just being at home in front of the TV.
Have you any date nights planned?
It's as if she feels trapped perhaps, I would ask her to be honest and ask if she's happy with you...be prepared for,bad news though.
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