Just about had enough...

(16 Posts)
Minus2seventy3 Wed 28-Sep-16 12:12:59

First time on here for a long time, just wanting this off my chest.
Relationship with my wife is now, I think, so low as to be untenable.
We've not been intimate for years - she doesn't want anything to do with me. Any advance I make (so rare I've forgotten the last time) - rejected. Nothing from she.
Did post about it ages ago, but pretty much resigned myself to nothing.
She has a temper - a foul temper. Early in our relationship, I'd let it fly over the top of me, wouldn't rise. Then she'd be pissed at me for not fighting back. Did that a little - just makes her anger worse.
Living in fear of saying anything to her now else the reaction is all too common.
Apparently, she's fine to shout and wail, but not me - any response at even a fraction of the anger, gets DEFCON 1, or storming out in tears, and the silent treatment for hours. Treading on eggshells - as is our little girl.
The heart-rending thing is, the little one adores her mam, even after she's made her cry (again).
Latest incident (honestly about nothing major) led to her shouting at DD. I asked her to calm down a little, take a step back. So that's me getting a shouting at. Tried reasoning numerous times, and the tirade kept on coming. Eventually (and I knew it was a mistake as I said it, but I'd been taking it for a good few minutes), I snapped back - told her to shut up. Wasn't a shout, but certainly a bit more than my usual.
Never told her that before. She was incensed - got up from the sofa, have me a shove. Never before has anything got physical.
Really is a line, and now, I'm not sure I have the energy left to fight any more.
Financial commitments are such that any split notes will be monetary suicide for us both, so I'm fucking stuffed. Just don't want to be in the same room as her nowadays.
Don't know what to do now. It's a bit shit.

Enb76 Wed 28-Sep-16 12:16:35

Take your daughter and leave. It matters not a shiny bit that you'll be struggling financially, better that than struggling emotionally, especially your daughter. From what you have written she's not only an abusive wife but an abusive mother too.

Get out, get out, get out.

RB68 Wed 28-Sep-16 12:27:07

Just get out - starting again with nothing (or even less than nothing) is better than the life where you are now. Make a list and start the actions - don't forget copies of all financials etc

Good Luck

Potentialmadcatlady Wed 28-Sep-16 12:31:06

I am completely and totally financially stuffed for life due to my ex husbands financial misbehaviours following our split...in rental, on benefits etc etc BUT my kids are relaxed and happy in their home...take your girl and leave....she has crossed a line

Purplebluebird Wed 28-Sep-16 12:36:46

She's out of order, you need to take your little girl and leave, for both of you. You can find someone kind and thoughtful, it doesn't have to be like this. Don't look back. You can do it even with no money, it will be hard but a million times better for your daughter to be broke but happy, than financially okay and miserable. Definitely start a list to how you can get out, talk to someone (citizen advice bureau?).

Minus2seventy3 Wed 28-Sep-16 13:14:46

I realise that I have to leave. It's just, I'm spending too much time as referee - telling the little one that, no, grown ups shouldn't be speaking like that. That, no, it's not her fault. Comforting her. And then, later on, a bit of attention from her mam and it's like all's forgiven. My wife hasn't acknowledged her behaviour is unacceptable, no apology or anything. And if she doesn't acknowledge she's wrong, it'll never change.
I know I'll not get sole custody / residency or whatever it's called nowadays - and whilst I'm sure DD would never be at risk, I don't know how to feel about not being there for her every night, where she's so desperate for affection from her mam that she'll suffer all just to be thrown a hug later on.

Shiftymake Wed 28-Sep-16 14:30:17

Grab your phone or something and film her. Do that every time she gets nasty with you or your daughter, if she asks/demands just say you want her to see what she is doing when she calms down again and that she has no right to speak to your child or yourself in such a manor again. Get evidence basically of how she treats you and your child, because I suspect you will need it..

VoyageOfDad Thu 29-Sep-16 21:09:48

You're in an abusive relationship, your daughter too. You don't want your dd to grow up thinking thats normal and your partner won't have any need to change if you keep the status quo.

Get evidence, get your ducks in a row and either leave with your dd or ask her to leave.

1DAD2KIDS Mon 03-Oct-16 21:07:14

I have been there. Almost sounds like the same woman. Luckily for me (in a way I suppose) she left me. Despite everything I loved her dearly and would have never left her. She ran off with her step cousin (100 miles away) and left me to raise two young children. We get on OK now. To my surprise she stopped being a dick and is no longer nasty or trying to take me for everything. She has caused no problem with the divorce and wants very little. To be fair its both ways because despite years of emotional and some physical abuse and then breaking my heart and hurting the kids I wish her no ill, just want to move on. We talk and get on fine. She sees the kids every second weekend and we sometimes do some family stuff together. I think she is partly so good now because she does feel guilty and knows she fucked it up massively (shooting the goose that lays the golden egg springs to mind. Her life is a mess, he was a total loser and now she is all alone.

I am sorry I am not much help as things turned out best they could for me (although I do miss the family we had despite the way she was). I just used to put up with her shit because I loved her and our family. I honestly couldn't see me leaving. Which probably would have affected my mental health in the long term. I miss what we had but I could never go back there now. Not after living free of her abuse, lies and manipulation. I eventually stopped blaming myself I come to realise ultimately she was no good for me. Turns out lots of friends and family had thought that too long ago. I don't think she's evil. I loved her, I seen her vulnerabilities and know her passed but ultimately I am better of without her and the kids now live in a happier home with me.

Good luck to you and hope it works out best it can.

Childrenofthestones Thu 20-Oct-16 11:50:03

So sorry to hear what you are going through. my brother is in very much the same situation only his wife is more violent. He has left once before but realised that the children were getting her fury so went back for their sake.
She is vindictive and totally controlling and never misses an opportunity to belittle him in front of others including his kids.
He would leave but there is no shelter for men with children even remotely anywhere near were he lives and so he would have to give up his job and few family and friends. He's well and truly trapped.
I guess what I am saying is you aren't alone.
There are mens groups online where you can talk it out with people going through a similar thing. He is in one and its the only thing that keeps him sane. I have no links but I'm sure if you google it you will find something.

FifaFater Mon 24-Oct-16 20:30:17

I won't pretend to know what you're going through, I do know what it's like to drum up the courage to leave...

I was in a poor relationship a few years ago, it's very difficult to leave, despite even feeling like the relationship is over, and admitting to yourself that your not in love any more.

I may sound superficial but to have worked so hard for years to build up equity on property, savings, family, assets etc... the thought of starting all over again is terrifying!

I left with nothing, quickly got into debt in the transition as I lost my job soon after, however that feeling of coming home without tension, without the stress of the situation... I would do it a thousand times over!

Finances quickly got back on track and things got better, like being bor again, I however had no children at the time, so its easy for me to say leave, ultimately you have to do whats best for you and your daughter, wether thats leaving, staying, getting video to show your OH, or even standing up to her and forcibly telling her her behaviour is no longer acceptable, it's time to grow up or move on with her life elsewhere!

Good luck, if you ever need a chat and whinge hit me up a PM bud brew

MostlyHet Mon 24-Oct-16 20:40:29

So sorry to hear you're going through this - it is not right. I've heard good things about these people: Mankind UK. They have a helpline for male victims of DV.

I'd start trying to think about an exit strategy -savings for a deposit on a flat, making sure you have a paper trail of what you do with your daughter so you get 50-50 custody, that sort of thing.

Good luck.

Raineau Mon 28-Nov-16 20:01:41

I think the comments involving taking your child and leaving her are not very sensible.

First you seem to hit a low with her and her pushing you is not on. Living with someone who you fear is not something anyone should have to live with.

You say you can't afford to leave her. Can you live an unhappy life for the rest of your life?

Maybe sit her down (if that's something you feel you can do) and tell her how you are feeling, tell her how unhappy you are and why.
If she wants to try and change her behaviour would you want to stay in this relationship?

Do you still love your partner? This sounds like a very unhappy time for you, and her treatment towards you is unfair.

Raineau Mon 28-Nov-16 20:07:56

I just read your comment regarding your daughter and not wanting to live away from her. This must be very difficult for you.

I think speaking with her honestly as you have nothing to lose if you want to leave the relationship. Explain to her that her behaviour is having a negative effect on your child and that you are unhappy about this. Explain to her how you feel so there are no cross wires down the line.

I think you should remember you have a right to be at ease in your home, you have the right not to get shouted at and to feel upset or fear and you have the right to tell her that you will not settle for her pushing you or talking to you in that manner, she is an adult she can talk to you by sitting down and talking with you not shouting at you.

Summertime1 Wed 30-Nov-16 17:51:31

Hmm sounds like my ex. Thats why she's my ex. Maybe post natal depression that just gone on and on, maybe not, cant really say.

Chin up, good luck.

Jeanne51 Fri 17-Feb-17 03:14:35

Don't waste your life. Get out whilst you can and take dd. Your wife is abusing you. Get out.

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