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Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

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Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

Dadsnet

help from dad's been falsely accused of dv

49 replies

dd1987 · 09/09/2016 18:35

Hi... I am a female in need of help.

My ex and I have had a crazy relationship. Full of so much love neither of us could handle it. I was constantly pushing him away. He would end up online cheating and it went over and over.

When i was pregnant last year I found out he had cheated online again. So I punched him in the head in rage.... he then punched me in the stomach, smashed my phone etc etc and the police were called I had to make a statement and didnt press charges he got a caution.

I had the baby and all seemed okay. He then went into a rage one morning at 5 am as I hadn't made his lunch. He put his hand around my throat and went to punch me. Then tried to run off with the baby with no where to go with him.

I sought help to stop him from taking the baby. I was told to go to the police for a crime ref number to then apply for a prohibitive steps order. Long story short I couldn't get one.

I have everyone tossing this term domestic.violence at me left right and centre and it's not correct.

We had a row that got out of control.

He plead not guilty to dv at court yesterday and now I am supposed to stand up in court as a witness and give evidence that he is guilty. I refuse. If I don't go I may be arrested.

I don't know where to turn. The guy was a shit boyfriend to me overall. But domestic violence it is not. I've read all the leaflets and that does not sum our relationship up. Also social services are not happy with me and investigating further as they as concerned I do not understand domestic violence. The problem is I do. It's just not correct. What do I do now?

They have insisted on pushing this and won't listen to me. They wanted bail conditions set so I made it that he can contact me for child contact and come to my adress for access. This has worked well for the past 2 months. Now at the hearing yesterday the judge decided to revoke it and he is not allowed any more. Dispite no further issues. He doesn't have any where to take my son to see him so until the trial he won't be able to. Any advise appreciated.

OP posts:

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NameChange30 · 09/09/2016 18:38

He is abusive and you're in denial.
I'm sorry to say it, but it's true.
Have you been offered counselling or other support?

ptumbi · 09/09/2016 18:41

Are you for real? There is 'so much love'? Doesn't sound like any love to me, only violence.

It IS domestic violence (Or jsut VIOLENCE, if you can understand that)
And social services exist to remove children from toxic, violent relationships. For their safety.

You can stay in this relationship, but you shouldn't eant your child to see it, hear it or experience it.

ayeokthen · 09/09/2016 18:42

It is domestic violence, you and he have both been violent to each other (albeit him more than you). Sorry if this is too harsh but your kids don't need this, and if you keep up your ridiculous pretence that it wasn't DV then you could very well lose your child.

dd1987 · 09/09/2016 18:42

I definitely am not. Yes I have. I've been on a programme. Not helpful thanks. I wouldn't be writing this if I was in the wrong. By all means pursue him for assault but domestic violence and it's implications has been too quickly thrown around in this case!

OP posts:

dd1987 · 09/09/2016 18:43

I'm no longer in the relationship and don't wish to be

OP posts:

ayeokthen · 09/09/2016 18:44

It IS domestic violence if there is a violent incident within the home. You're kidding yourself.

dd1987 · 09/09/2016 18:45

There was no physical injuries etc. Reading it and black and white looks bad I agree

OP posts:

TheSparrowhawk · 09/09/2016 18:45

Assault carried out in the home by a partner is domestic violence.

ptumbi · 09/09/2016 18:47

Assault IS violence. How can you not understand that? It's the same damn thing!

ptumbi · 09/09/2016 18:48

No physical injuries does not equal no violence.

I'm glad you are no longer in this relationship; that will help with SS.

ayeokthen · 09/09/2016 18:50

I suggest you google the definition of domestic violence. You are compromising custody of your child, and completely ignoring anything anyone is telling you on here. If you're not going to listen, why did you post?

ThatStewie · 09/09/2016 18:51

Sweetheart, this is domestic violence. Putting his 'hand around your throat' makes him a high risk perpetrator with the potential for fatal violence towards you and the baby.

Social services have a duty of care to you and your baby but they are legally obligated to ensure that your baby is never abused by their father. It is rare for men to be denied access to their children due to domestic violence. This includes provisions against mothers who are deemed 'unwilling' to protect their children from their abusive father. You need to work with SS to protect yourself and your baby.

Please access some counselling. SS can help you or reach out to Women's Aid but you do need to understand that your ex is a violent man who poses a significant risk to you and your baby.

SheSparkles · 09/09/2016 18:51

It's domestic violence and you're not protecting your child from it. It doesn't matter whether or not there was an injury, it was a situation where he was violent towards you.

NameChange30 · 09/09/2016 18:53

He punched you in the stomach when you were pregnant.
He put his hands around your throat and tried to take your baby away.

Why are you trying to defend this disgusting violent man? Why have you insisted on giving him access to you and your baby?

I can usually understand and empathise with people who have mixed feelings towards violent or abusive partners. Love, fear, a misguided sense of loyalty or duty. But I just don't understand your thinking at all.

CocktailQueen · 09/09/2016 18:53

My ex and I have had a crazy relationship. Full of so much love neither of us could handle it. I was constantly pushing him away. He would end up online cheating and it went over and over.

This is not a relationship full of love at all; it is a toxic relationship. You are both terrible for each other. He put his hands around your throat - this is a red flag for going on to strange and murder you.

All assault is violence.

Tumtitum · 09/09/2016 18:53

He put his hand around your throat.... Violence within a relationship is domestic violence regardless of how many times it happens and whatever the circumstances!!!
I'm sorry you've been through this and are being pushed into things you don't feel comfortable with though, it sounds very tough. You are obviously strong as you have got yourself and your child out of the relationship

PovertyPain · 09/09/2016 18:56

Try this, OP.

My child slapped my ex, so he punched my child in the stomach and broke his toy. It was ok, until my child spilled his dad's dinner, so my ex grabbed him by the throat, but it's ok, it was only an assault not domestic abuse.

Is that ok?

PatMullins · 09/09/2016 18:58

Female you say

QuiteLikely5 · 09/09/2016 18:59

Think about it rationally.

You are both a worry.

The SS are doing this to protect your child from DV and you from getting another beating! Why? Because you both cannot make sensible decisions in regards to keeping yourselves & your child safe!

Keep going the way you are and this will end very badly for all of you!

QuiteLikely5 · 09/09/2016 19:02

Oh and it really isn't normal to get a beating for not making lunch

Domestic === home

Violence ==== a beating, punch etc

^^^^

That is what occurred in your relationship, in your home, hence the name domestic violence.

If this happened on the street with a stranger or a friend as a one off then that is assault.

anametouse · 09/09/2016 19:03

It someone hits someone else it is violence. Always. Doesn't matter about injury, doesnt matter how much love there is between you.

Emotions can get high in relationships. I have never ever been hit. That's not what a normal relationship is.

PacificDogwod · 09/09/2016 19:08

In what way is this not domestic violence?

It happened in the home = domestic
Physical force exerted = violence.

You are in a toxic, dysfunctional and violent relationship - even if you are no longer romantically together, you still seem to feel that you somehow 'owe' him.
Make your statement. Don't lie. Let the law decide whether he is guilty or no.

And sty the fuck away from him. I hope you both get and engage with the help you need. And that your child is never in the way when he loses his rag 'because you had not made his lunch' or whatever

Evergreen17 · 09/09/2016 19:10

So much love????

NerrSnerr · 09/09/2016 19:11

Social services will be concerned because if you don't see what he did as domestic violence you may get yourself in another relationship where you don't believe someone is abusing you- and that could put them at risk.

Your relationship wasn't full of love- sounded full of hate to me.

PurpleDaisies · 09/09/2016 19:12

All you need to do is go to court and be totally honest about what he did.

If the court doesn't think it's dknestic violence, he'll go free.

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