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To holiday or not to holiday...that is the question?

(34 Posts)
bigpapa653 Tue 07-Jun-16 17:00:22

Hi All

Need to some advice please,

To give some background I live with my dw, and 2 dd's and my ds lives my ex.

My ex asked me to book annual leave off work to look after my son whilst she goes on hols with her bf.

Now I'm feeling extremely angry that someone would even have the cheek to ask me this bearing in mind that I work very hard for my family and the precious time I do have off which is very limited in a full time job (26 days tops) I want too book off and spend with all my family, my ds included.

Should I feel angry that my ex has asked me this, should I speak my mind or is this an acceptable thing to do in a split household?

Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated......

TimetohittheroadJack Tue 07-Jun-16 17:03:13

Why don't you book the time off and plan your holidays at the same time as your ex is away?

suitsyousir79 Tue 07-Jun-16 17:03:45

Would you need to book the whole time off? Would your dw look after him while you are at work. Im a dad with two step kids and my dw used to ask the kids dad to have them more sometimes if we were going somewhere not child friendly. It seems odd that she wont take her son on holiday but it depends where they are going and how long for.

bigpapa653 Tue 07-Jun-16 17:16:43

My dw also works full time so would also need to take time off, which she isn't prepared to do to accommodate ex's holiday and I fully appreciate that. The holiday is a full week so I would need to book whole time off and in all honesty I want to save my time for term time breaks and the summer hols. I believe that ex just wants to go without the kids and the fact that it's abroad, I'm not allowed to take ds abroad so my guess is ex isn't going to take him either.

suitsyousir79 Tue 07-Jun-16 17:19:32

Hmmm i see. Its a tricky one. Probably not much you can do i guess unless there are grandparents or someone else who might have him for the week.

TimetohittheroadJack Tue 07-Jun-16 17:37:08

Is your DS at school? Could you not work flexi for a week? Or who watches your other children if you are both at work?

pinkpeter1 Tue 07-Jun-16 17:50:05

Who says you aren't allowed to take him abroad? also, who do you think should look after your ds?

Ouriana Tue 07-Jun-16 17:58:12

This is an absolutely completely and utterly normal thing to do.

It is nothing to do with your ex how many days annual leave you have or how many other children you have.

It is your son, and only one week. Do you really want to complain and make him feel unwanted? The issue here is not about what ur ex us doing or if she is drinking sangria with her bf, its about your son feeling loved and wanted and by complaining you run the risk of making him feel rejected.

Presumably you have childcare arrangements in place for you dds during that week so could you make them for your son too? Before and after school clubs instead of annual leave?

bigpapa653 Tue 07-Jun-16 21:03:54

My dd's are in nursery all day we pick them up every evening after work. My ds is at nursery but only 16 hours I believe as its government paid care.

I don't really understand how my ds will feel unwanted I'm not the one leaving him and its not my usual time anyway. Ds is far too young to understand. That was a bit much.

I also am not sure why I should mess my time around to accomodate my ex's holiday?

bigpapa653 Tue 07-Jun-16 21:06:32

to the other point my ex has told me we are not allowed to go abroad so we have to holiday in england, i wouldn't expect anyone to have to look after ds as in all honesty i would always take them with me.

oneoldmare Tue 07-Jun-16 21:18:36

I would guess that you wouldn't think twice about going on holiday with your wife and not have your son on your agreed days.
You would just take for granted that your ex just keeps him on the days you normally have him.
Its no different your ex going away.
He is your son.
Take responsibility!

bigpapa653 Tue 07-Jun-16 21:36:13

Decent advice appreciated please oneoldmare... I've asked for advice, why are you proposing ideas which are unjustified?

As earlier stated if you read the topic, my holiday time is spent with all my family.

How am i not taking responsibility, i'm not wanting to go on holiday and leaving my ds at home? My question was is this an acceptable thing to ask of your ex?

TimetohittheroadJack Tue 07-Jun-16 21:39:33

Why not just agree and go away on a family holiday that week? That way, everybody wins - your ex gets a week away with her bd, you get a family holiday?

HanYOLO Tue 07-Jun-16 21:39:36

Of course it is acceptable.

Ideally there will be some communication and discussion about the dates - and go on holiday at the same time? If you can't do those dates, suggest some others, when you can. Be flexible. Why would that be a problem?

Ouriana Tue 07-Jun-16 21:41:03

You do not have to mess your time around to accomodate your ex.

You mess it around to accomodate your son. Same as all working parents do.

I dont want to sound harsh but all your posts are about your ex, not your son.
He is your responsibility just as much as he is your ex's.

Of course you can refuse to have him and stick to allocated times but that smacks of "weekend dad".

Also, your ex cannot stop you taking your ds abroad for a weeks or fortnights holiday.

You could speak your mind and have a huge fight about this and refuse to take your ds, however your ex will then be able to whinge about how you refuse to have him for even one week, and will be correct.

Its one week of the year she is asking you to have him at a time that us convenient to her. Not your dw or your dds; there are other weeks for that.

It really would be quite petty to refuse to have your son for one week.

TimetohittheroadJack Tue 07-Jun-16 21:42:29

In answer to your question, yes I think it's an acceptable thing to ask - you have every right to say no if you so wish but it's not an unreasonable request. And I don't think your ex can prevent you taking him abroad, although going abroad with three under 5s isn't that much fun anyway.

LilaTheTiger Tue 07-Jun-16 21:48:29

I've asked my ex to have my kids for 10 days while I go holiday with my BF. I've worked my arse off for the past 3 years and have come to the end of a contract and it's the only time I'll have to go. And it's in term time.

Despite him normally being a bellend he actually agreed. Just saying.

Ouriana Tue 07-Jun-16 21:48:30

Yes what she has asked is acceptable and also normal.

My ex has had the dc while Ive been away.
I have had my step son while his mum went away.

bigpapa653 Tue 07-Jun-16 21:52:43

its not a problem per say, it was my first thought. I'd love to go on holiday but we are not allowed to take him abroad.

Ouriana Tue 07-Jun-16 21:57:09

If you have PR (usually by being on the birth cert) you can take him abroad for a holiday. Legally she can not stop you.

You can apply for a passport for him without her permission.

mummytime Tue 07-Jun-16 21:59:40

The courts would allow you to take him abroad, as long as you weren't a flight risk. So she can't just ban you from taking him abroad.

bigpapa653 Tue 07-Jun-16 22:00:25

thanks but we have a decent enough relationship and i don't want to cause too much trouble which i could imagine that would do

OutToGetYou Tue 07-Jun-16 22:01:44

I also am not sure why I should mess my time around to accomodate my ex's holiday?

Well, you're going to have to learn to suck it up. This is entirely normal with split families. Your ex is being selfish having a holiday without your ds, but if that's what she's like, then that's what she's like. My dp's ex is the same - she's never taken dss on holiday (and dp gave her the money to do so once and she still didn't) and several times we have covered her childcare. Mainly we've had him all school holidays for the last 6 years because they always seem to sneak up on her and she hasn't booked time off.

But, he's his dad - who else was going to look after dss? He lives with us now and she rarely ever has him - but that's just her.

Your kids are all very close in age. Can't you put ds into your dd's nursery for the week? They may have a space?

There's no point feeling angry that she asked you, that way you'll just end up with a heart attack. If you can't take your holidays at the same time (and plan in advance so you can all do this) then just tell her you can have him for the usual time, plus the holiday you have planned and as such she will have to find her own cover for that period.

bigpapa653 Tue 07-Jun-16 22:01:59

thanks for your advice everyone, I will take on board what you've said and have a good think about what to do.

rookiemere Tue 07-Jun-16 22:03:01

Well surely if she wants to go abroad she should be relaxed about you taking DS abroad. Worth asking the question.

Or if it's genuinely not an option then you do what other working parents do - find a football/sports/drama day camp based on his interests and he goes there for the week.

Both parents should split holiday childcare between them - just because you have a second family doesn't mean that you get to pick all the days that suit you. However she should have let you know sooner than now - I organise summer childcare and holidays well in advance and it seems odd that she wouldn't have decided until June what was happening.

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