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A real dilemma of my own design - father

(34 Posts)
Cableties99 Sat 19-Dec-15 14:31:43

Ok so I'm not expecting any pity or sympathy for this.. It isn't the point in writing.

I'm 23 years old, my ex is 24. Me and my ex were together for 2 years up until August 2014. To say our relationship was turbulent was an understatement... We were on, we were off and fought like wild cats. But deep down no matter how bad we argued we loved eachother and found our way back.

In the July of 2014 my ex announced that she had slept with someone else once while we were 'on a break' which completely broke my heart. And in August she sat me down and told me she was pregnant.

Now comes the biggest mistake I could have made - I freaked out, panicked.. Got into 'I can't do this' mode and left, we argued some more, she shouted abuse at me so I cut all communications with her off - knowing she was pregnant. Despite loving her to pieces I had a complete meltdown

It's been 10 months since we last had contacted, her child has been born and is 8 months old. The other day I get a text from her from a new number and we chatted for days and days.. Like old times.

The other day she broke the news to me that the person she slept with is not her child's father and I am, and that I should go around to her house to talk things through, so I did

I spent the day at her house, we chatted, had a couple of drinks and she told me how much she misses me and to cut a long story short I stayed the night. And the following morning, I met her son who looks EXACTLY LIKE ME and she is absolutely without a doubt sure he's mine.

Here's my dilemma - I haven't been around for 10 months, and I don't know this child. However my ex CHOSE to introduce me to him yesterday and let me spend an entire day with them both. To my surprise, when I returned home she instantly went on the offensive and told me 'you haven't been around for this long, don't expect to see him again it was a mistake introducing you and i don't want you around again'

What do I do??? I still love this girl to bits, and I think the feeling is mutual.. However she is so angry at me and after introducing me to 'my son' she is now refusing to let me have any further contact

lostinmiddlemarch Sat 19-Dec-15 15:28:43

I would ask her if there's anything you can do to make it up to her. At the moment, you have little to lose so you may as well be honest about your feelings and how much humble pie you're prepared to eat.

She's probably feeling very vulnerable. Not good behaviour obviously, but if you love her, there's no point talking about your rights yet.

Cableties99 Sat 19-Dec-15 23:45:01

Thanks for the advice - it's all so confusing cos she seems so confused just from what she's saying to me. I know she loved me back then and I completely broke her heart - she begged for me back and I ignored her. She feels incredibly hurt by what I did and can't understand it, but now she's introduced me to my son I'm like a dog with a bone

VoyageOfDad Thu 24-Dec-15 09:08:23

First things first.

You are certain you're the dad, but I'm assuming you are not in the birth certificate .

You need to separate your relationship with the mum from your relationship with the child.

You are dad for life , you very well may not be with the mum, and tbh if you have such a volatile relationship it's not going to be great for the child to grow up with.

You need to contribute financially, get yourself on the birth certificate ( which gives you parental responsibility ) and play a meaningful part in you sons's life.

zippey Thu 24-Dec-15 09:19:46

I'd also want to be absolutely certain I was the dad, esp in a circumstance like this where there is a risk of not being. I find most babies look pretty samey as well! Is there any chance of getting a dna test without making her angry?

Also I would try and contribute something financial on a regular basis. See how much you can afford, but babies do need to eat and she would probably appreciate the help.

Once you establish paternity and financial arrangements, I'd get a good lawyer to arrange access.

From your post you are probably both nice people but the relationship is toxic. It's not good for anyone to be loved up one minute then flaming arguments the next. Try your best to forget this relationship and do what's best for the baby (assuming it is yours)

Cableties99 Thu 24-Dec-15 11:42:58

Arranging a DNA test will make her incredibly angry, it is something that has already been mentioned and she wasn't best pleased... My ex is under no doubt that I am the father of her child and the fact that I would even ask her for one just insults her

I'm finding it very difficult to separate the relationship from the child. I forced myself to leave my ex not because I stopped loving her, but because we just weren't getting on and it was hurting us both.

It's been just over a week since she last contacted me asking me to leave her and the child alone.. 'You wanted nothing to do with him for the past few months so we want nothing to do with you now. When he is old enough to ask about you then you will see him again'

I'm tearing my hair out!

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 24-Dec-15 11:54:50

You need to put any idea of a relationship with her to bed. Turbulent, on/off relationships are unacceptable when you are parents. She sounds emotionally immature.
You should suggest a contact plan and maintenance agreement (remember they are unconnected) and go from there.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Thu 24-Dec-15 11:55:28

Can I clarify did you believe the child was from the one night stand or did you suspect he was yours?

VikingVolva Thu 24-Dec-15 12:08:16

If you have spent 10 months believing the child was from a fling when you two were on a break, then there must be plausible grounds for believing that to be the case.

I think you should insist on a DNA test to put it beyond doubt. Her resistance to the idea, when she initially ascribed paternity to someone else, makes this more (not less) important.

fuzzywuzzy Thu 24-Dec-15 12:13:04

I think also you need a DNA test, and if the child is yours to pay maintenance (if pay it thro CMS just in case so it's all on record).

CallieTorres Thu 24-Dec-15 12:21:39

you both thought the baby was due to the ONS, and even though you think the baby looks like you, i think you still need a DNA test

I dont know what the legal side of things are re getting a test done. Morally? if she wont let you get one and expects you to 'father' the child, then i dont know how/what you will have to do? do you have to get a sample from the mother too?

I personally wouldnt support a child that a) wasnt mine, and b) if i wasnt in a relationship with the other parent. If you are in a relationship together then i dont think its as important (although, medical history might require discloure)

*this was 2002
www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/1394653/Move-to-outlaw-secret-DNA-testing-by-fathers.html

CallieTorres Thu 24-Dec-15 12:22:22

(and in the US too)

Cableties99 Thu 24-Dec-15 14:17:15

To be honest I suspected the child may have been mine from the start, my ex was never in any doubt of this from the moment she told me.

As stated in the original post, I had no reason really to doubt that the child was mine, as the dates all worked out to be accurate, I just buckled under the strain of the arguments, got worked up and left.

VoyageOfDad Thu 24-Dec-15 14:26:45

From what you've said OP your on / off partner is going to use the baby , who may or may not be yours, to manipulate you as it suits her. Hot and cold. Now you can see him, now you can't.

That's not how you want to proceed in life unless you're a sadist.

You need to establish if you are the father, her flying off the handle at the mention of a DNA test would be a red flag for me. But you can't make any progress here by not establishing without doubt that you are the dad.

You also need to have a record of what she says to you.

I personally would send an email saying you are more than willing to live up to your responsibilities as a father once the fact ( DNS ) has been establish.

VoyageOfDad Thu 24-Dec-15 14:27:00

DNA

VoyageOfDad Thu 24-Dec-15 14:28:44

I.e even if you are convinced you are the dad you don't have a leg to stand on without a DNA test.

Enjolrass Thu 24-Dec-15 14:37:31

You said she broke the news that the other man wasn't the father.

So did she tell you he was the father?

You need a DNA test. Wether it offends her or not. You need to start paying for the child and go from there.

You must separate your relationship with her and that of being a father.

Don't be a dad that can't

something2say Fri 25-Dec-15 21:04:11

Guys. Chill.

What needs to be done here is to walk in to any court and pick up a form called the Child Arrangements Form. Fill it in and send it back, and you and your ex will be invited to a court hearing where contact will be arranged. You have the right to see the child......and a DNA test may need to be done at that time. You could also find out how to get your name on the birth certificate, and whether that is something that can now happen. If she insists the baby isn't yours and your name isn't on it, well I don't know what then. Legal advice probably, but if she says you can't have contact when the baby is yours, well that's incorrect.

For a ten month whom you've never met, expect supervised visits possibly and for short periods of time only. Then the times will lengthen all being well. Consider your parenting. What you will let the child do, how you will fit into their routine, what you feed them, what time they go to bed etc. these are important things. You will soon be taking care of the child by yourself.

If there is acrimony between you and your ex be careful. It will go badly for you as she is the resident parent. If you argue, you must step away. Don't respond, don't answer, ignore calls if needs be. If you do not, social services may become involved and she is the resident parent so you will end up needing to stay away when it is better to co parent if poss, to be able to get on at least. So dial down the bullshit.

But for now, congrats on becoming a father. You have lots of time ahead to put things right. And you will be everything to that child.

Goingtobeawesome Fri 25-Dec-15 21:08:32

No way would I be asking her how you can make it up to her hmm. Don't beg a woman who is so cruel as to let you meet your son then say you can't see him again. She doesn't actually own the child, you are the father and your son has a right to see you. Get proper legal advice. Don't give up.

Cableties99 Sun 27-Dec-15 11:09:06

New update 27/12/15 - I've tried to be in contact with my ex this morning, left a voicemail message to ask if there was any way she would allow me to come speak to her amicably about all this

I had a call back with the following:

'As I have previously said, when our child is old enough to ask where his dad is I will tell him about you, and he can meet you if he wishes but until then we have no reason to speak.... I have sought proper legal advice and you don't have a leg to stand on, you have provided nothing for your child or me since he's been born and you will be laughed out of court with nothing. They have advised me that I am correct in letting him decide to see you when he is old enough'

FretYeNot Sun 27-Dec-15 11:21:27

With all due respect to your ex but bollocks. Sounds like 'sought proper legal advice' was actually 'made it up on the fly'. Speak to a solicitor, your child has more than a right to ask about you, he has a right to know you. And at only ten months old, you have years to build up a relationship. You have both been arses in the past, but it's not too late.

notapizzaeater Sun 27-Dec-15 11:28:03

Totally agree, you need to start building a relationship now with your son, yiu need your own legal advice.

Goingtobeawesome Sun 27-Dec-15 12:08:24

That is utter bollocks what she says. Get the name of her solicitor so yours can write to hers to get this formally noted but obviously don't do that before you get REAL legal advice.

It is completely wrong that women can get pregnant, keep the child, demand maintenance (she's not entitles to anything hmm) but deny the child the right to a father through childhood. It is all wrong that women hold all he cards.

I suggest you set up maintenance for the child, or buy and send nappies/milk/clothes, buy cards etc, do everything that shows you wanted to be a dad but his mother stopped you.

TonySopranosVest Sun 27-Dec-15 12:16:22

It is completely wrong that women can get pregnant...ETC

Fucking hell, she's not entitled to child maintenance? Why the fuck not? Children aren't pay per view and the OP says himself that he just lit out of there and hasn't bothered at all with the child...despite there being a strong chance that he was the father hmm. Nice.

OP - you need legal advice to seek access to your son. She clearly is furious with you but that is no excuse for her withholding access. You need to stop contacting her and cool this situation right down. Get legal advice and start making the correct and proper steps to facilitate this. As a PP said, start putting money away for CM for your son.

Enjolrass Sun 27-Dec-15 12:35:32

She is talking rubbish.

No one would give her that as legal advice m.

Get a solicitor, ask for the name of hers. Get the ball rolling.

I suspect the child isn't yours. That's the only reason that you wouldn't have a leg to stand on. Or she knows there is a chance it's not yours.

Start making payments and contact the CSA (or whatever it is called these days) when DNA has been done.

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