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Broke up with my wife (access to my 3 kids)

(144 Posts)
Daddcares Tue 01-Sep-15 13:51:56

Ok so broke up from my wife Not going into too much detail except was few months ago i have a new partner and my wife point blank refuses for me to see the kids 5 year old twins boy /girl and 2 year old boy , unless she (wife) is with me

so im not allowed to take them to the park few min walk from their house or take them for a meal basically anything unless she's with us.

the reason given is she thinks i'm going to take them to meet my new partner (im not and have no intention to do so at the moment)

she wont answer the phone to allow me to speak tot the kids etc

yes im paying maintenance
no never been physical with either the kids or my wife
yes what i have done in ending the marriage is wrong but im genuinely upset every day about missing my kids and lack of contact

any experience /advise please help

Scorpvenus1 Mon 17-Jun-19 12:33:48

You keeping twisting the story in the hope we will "side" with you but that isn't going to happen it just makes you look pathetic

Yep and sooooooooo typical man lol

Scorpvenus1 Mon 17-Jun-19 12:32:27

Rebound relationship and she knows it.

She wants to instill morals and right from wrong into her children and you clearly demonstrate you don't. With the anything will do and next thing offering approach you have taken, like so many I might add then what do you expect.

sleeponeday Wed 02-Sep-15 21:21:01

How are your 5 year old twins coping with this mess?

Are they getting any support? I can't imagine what they must be thinking.

If I were you the next time you contact your ex talk about getting some help for the 3 of them them to deal with this. Contact their school and let them know they are going through a tough time.

You both need to get your heads out of your arses and start concentrating on what's they need.

This is good advice.

sleeponeday Wed 02-Sep-15 21:18:28

So your wife is actually being supported emotionally by her best friend and her best friend's husband, and this makes you angry?


Solopower1 Wed 02-Sep-15 16:30:44

Daddcares, maybe you should think about what sort of future you want for your kids. Whatever choices you make now will help determine that.

The best thing for the children might be for them to see you regularly and often, for you to pay to support them and for you to get on with your ex wife, to the extent that you can be civil to each other in front of the kids. The children might enjoy having two homes to go to and another set of supportive adults (your new partner's family) and possibly step siblings.

But the reality of the situation is that they will not see you as often as they would have done if you had still been living with them. They are likely to be worse off financially too, as you will have to help support two families.

And are you prepared to see them living with another man (your ex friend or someone you don't know, a few years down the line) and possibly loving him, accepting him as a father figure and having to obey him? That might even be the best thing that could happen to them (and your ex wife) in the circumstances.

Sorry if that is a bit brutal. None of this is going to be easy for anyone, but it is possible to limit the damage you have caused. Lots of people grow up in blended families and are perfectly happy. But you and your ex, and your new partner and her new partner will all have to work hard to create the conditions for the best possible future for your kids. You are going to have to share control over what happens to them, so you need to start talking to your wife and she needs to start talking to you.

Do whatever it takes, and good luck.

RedOrangeBlueBlack Wed 02-Sep-15 16:10:14

OP - you appear to be a total cunt. That is all.

NewLife4Me Wed 02-Sep-15 15:42:20

What an ironic nn, do you bloody hell care.
You have hurt your family including your children because you wanted to dip your wick, you really are despicable to say you care about your kids who are right now without their daddy.
Oh well, maybe Karma will sort you and your home wrecker ow out.
Hope she is much younger than you and decides to leave you soon.

SolidGoldBrass Wed 02-Sep-15 15:29:15

So you're actually a whining, self-pitying arse who can't accept any responsibility for anything but think that everyone should take your side? I bet all your friends are on your wife's side and all glad to be rid of you.

AcrossthePond55 Wed 02-Sep-15 15:06:51

So, basically you cut a friend out because he said 'Hey mate, you were wrong to cheat on your wife'? Because he didn't follow the 'Bro Code' when it came to your infidelity? hmm Or could it be that HE ended the friendship because he no longer wanted to be friends with a cheater? My own DH ended a friendship when my friend left her husband over drug use and abuse. Her ex demanded that he 'declare himself' and was appalled that DH didn't take his side. After all, 'bros before hos', right?

It sounds to me as if your infidelity has caused problems in more lives than just your own and may have resulted in the breakdown of more than just your own marriage. Domino effect and all that. Yes, yes, your friend's marriage was probably already on the skids, but your infidelity made your wife vulnerable. Now combine that with a man whose marriage was apparently already rocky and you have a perfect storm, don't you? Do you think there might have been a different result if you had left your marriage in an honourable way, leaving your wife a shred of dignity? I do.

I have a question. Have you sat your wife down and apologized for what you did? I don't mean 'Sorry sweets, I fell in lurve with another because you didn't put out enough/complained too much/didn't look like Megan Fox'. I mean "I completely fucked up. I shouldn't have done what I did, it was wrong. I should have talked to you honestly, told you I no longer loved you, and ended our marriage with dignity long before XXX came on the scene. I'm sorry I could not be the partner you deserved. I'm sorry I left everything in such a mess"? It may go a long way in helping her to heal which in turn may help both of you come to an agreement about the children.

captainproton Wed 02-Sep-15 14:41:39

Daddcares, my DH was replaced by his ex wife's OM. The day DH was kicked out of the marital home he moved in. It was 7 years ago now and I can tell you that there will never be a day that my DH and his ex will ever be able to sit down together and chat about the kids. His ex wife got defensive of her new partner and refused really to acknowledge any blame for the situation. His ex married the OM, so he is a father figure in DSS life, and that went straight to the heart like a dagger to my DH. DH was expected to just put up with the new arrangement at a snap of a finger and it hurt like hell.

I came along into DH's life 2 years into a very bitter contact and divorce legal case. It cost both sides a lot of money, I witnessed some bad behaviour on both sides.

It took DH remarrying me and having our first child together for him to really sort of snap out of it. But still even now they will find ways to pick at each other, it's like as soon as they contact each other they go back to day one.

I think it's sad for my stepson that he has had to grow up knowing that both sets of parents hate each other. The ex chose to tell him how she hated my DH and he parroted off a lot of stuff which is disrespectful. So please don't make the mistake of mouthing off about how unreasonable your ex is for being very defensive and unable to move on etc.

I would absolutely recommend going down the legal route, because I think it needs somebody outside of the mess of the break up to find a clear way forward. I would also really, really try not to introduce the OW to your kids for a long while, wait if you can until the divorce is over. Otherwise things get messy, really quickly. Right now you are both seen as the enemy, if you could wait until the dust settles I reckon that it might go some way to rebuilding a small bridge between you. No you will never be friends, but you have to at least hope that you can be civil towards each other and hopefully when it comes to things like graduations and weddings, all of you can be present for the children's sake.

You have to put your kids first now.

MrsJorahMormont Wed 02-Sep-15 14:17:26

I think lots of people were very kind to you OP and it's better to take the advice you've been given and go down the legal route if you think your ex won't co-operate with you.

Affairs are quite a black and white issue on MN and also for many people in RL. You are not going to get sympathy from many people over the affair (your fatal mistake was the whole 'gutted about what happened' line, as though your magic cock beckoned the OW and she somehow fell and impaled herself on it) but you got plenty of advice on how to proceed. No one has said that you don't deserve contact with your children - you do. It's just harder to arrange informally when there's a breakdown of trust with your ex, the kind of trust breakdown caused by an affair. So you may be better to cut your losses and aggressively pursue the court option now.

MistressMerryWeather Wed 02-Sep-15 14:14:13

How are your 5 year old twins coping with this mess?

Are they getting any support? I can't imagine what they must be thinking.

If I were you the next time you contact your ex talk about getting some help for the 3 of them them to deal with this. Contact their school and let them know they are going through a tough time.

You both need to get your heads out of your arses and start concentrating on what's they need.

wafflyversatile Wed 02-Sep-15 14:07:42

OP you've had the constructive advice you sought on the situation. I wouldn't bother coming back to the thread now. There is nothing to gain. You're not going to change anyone's mind.

maybebabybee Wed 02-Sep-15 13:38:42

I don't get this thing about the ex-friend. Are you saying that he has left his wife (your wife's best friend) for your ex-wife?!?

StanSmithsChin Wed 02-Sep-15 13:30:38

I have never read so much tosh!

You came on here for advice and you got it. Asking for sympathy for a situation you created is foolish.
You keeping twisting the story in the hope we will "side" with you but that isn't going to happen it just makes you look pathetic.

You cannot bitch and moan about who your wife spends time with after all you left her remember.

If you want a relationship with your DC then take the advice you have been given. Seek out a solicitor and pay them to help you but a word of advice don't attempt to blacken your wife's name as that will only show you as more a scumbag.

SeasideSunshine Wed 02-Sep-15 10:49:14

Can't say I'm surprised.

Daddcares Wed 02-Sep-15 10:45:43


SeasideSunshine Wed 02-Sep-15 10:40:10

Do the words "dog in the manger" mean anything to you? hmm

Daddcares Wed 02-Sep-15 10:39:03

they are having their own problems so his answer is to drive my wife and kids to wales to our caravan and stay with them

so id say they are not supporting her

SolidGoldBrass Wed 02-Sep-15 10:35:28

Hang on - first you say this ex-friend of yours is in a relationship with your ex wife, now you say he is married to your ex wife's best friend.
Is it the case that your friend left his wife for your ex wife? Or that this other couple are supporting your wife as they disapprove of your behaviour?

Daddcares Wed 02-Sep-15 10:16:57

he's my x friend cos when he fell of the fence he fell on her side he's a x friend through his choice

his wife is her bestfriend but he spends more time with my kids and x than i do so not sure how thats all working out

i have called and text but no answer so i dont think he can help

BathtimeFunkster Wed 02-Sep-15 10:12:14

Why is he your ex friend?

What happened between the two of you that ended your friendship.

You once valued him as a person, and now your estranged wife cares about him and trusts him.

Might your way back to being a trusted family member be through him?

He seems to be dealing with a lot of the mess you made.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer Wed 02-Sep-15 10:11:16

What was the reason she gave for cancelling?

Daddcares Wed 02-Sep-15 10:08:19

i have on a number of occasions been stopped from seeing them but not overall

there was a occasion i was stopped seeing them and they spent the day with him instead

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer Wed 02-Sep-15 10:07:03

Below your previous post. You said you hadn't been stopped from seeing them (but your ex had to be there) then you said she'd stopped you seeing them.

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