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Broke up with my wife (access to my 3 kids)

(144 Posts)
Daddcares Tue 01-Sep-15 13:51:56

Ok so broke up from my wife Not going into too much detail except was few months ago i have a new partner and my wife point blank refuses for me to see the kids 5 year old twins boy /girl and 2 year old boy , unless she (wife) is with me

so im not allowed to take them to the park few min walk from their house or take them for a meal basically anything unless she's with us.

the reason given is she thinks i'm going to take them to meet my new partner (im not and have no intention to do so at the moment)

she wont answer the phone to allow me to speak tot the kids etc

yes im paying maintenance
no never been physical with either the kids or my wife
yes what i have done in ending the marriage is wrong but im genuinely upset every day about missing my kids and lack of contact

any experience /advise please help

wafflyversatile Tue 01-Sep-15 15:00:48

She's being unreasonable. When she has the kids she decides who they meet and when you have the kids you decide.

You don't have to regain her trust as a father.

When a couple split up it is not the woman who gets custody of the children and decides how to ration out access to them.

She needs to realise that because she's hurting it does not give her the right to obstruct her DC's access to their father. She needs to act in their best interest not in accordance with her feelings toward you for leaving. He could be going for 50/50 access or even more. She doesn't get to dictate.

Another voice saying get legal advice. If there are no DA issues then the courts would not let her dictate these terms.

If you don't have it already get it on an email/text from her her reasons for the arrangement she is currently insisting on.

What access do you want/think would be best for your DC in order to have a good relationship with both their parents? 50/50 is quite usual these days. Get yourself out of the mindset that DC stay with the mum and the dad gets whatever crumbs she is willing to offer.

fastdaytears Tue 01-Sep-15 15:13:09

precious things in her world to a lying cheating scumbag goodness! That seems a bit strong. OP not the first person to have an affair or even in a particularly select group.

His children are presumably also the most precious thing in his life too, so why should he be expected to have his wife's anger impact on his relationship with them?

In other news, we appear to have frightened him off...

lunar1 Tue 01-Sep-15 15:19:40

I didn't say it should stop him seeing them, just that you can see why she's struggling right now.

Having an affair is about more than shagging someone else. It's about lying to your family, children included. It takes family time and money from the children as well as his wife.

Plus the change in personality that goes with all the lies an affair involves. I'm still not saying he shouldn't see them but what he has done hardly shows a man putting his children first. If he'd needed to end the marriage he could have done it with out having his latest shag as a safety net.

Collaborate Tue 01-Sep-15 15:22:43

My guess, OP, FWIW, is that she is insisting on being present so that she can be close to you. I reckon it may have nothing to do with the kids meeting the OW. She needs to move on.

I agree with the PPs who say you need to seek some legal advice and take it to court if mediation is a non-starter.

LumpySpacedPrincess Tue 01-Sep-15 15:26:19

It's up to you who you introduce your kids to and what you do with them whilst you are with them, you are their parent too.

I can understand why she is upset but she is not acting in the interests of your children, I would go down a legal route.

I could understand her position if you were abusive as she would be protecting her children from you.

scribblegirl Tue 01-Sep-15 15:30:10

I agree with many PPs that the formal route is best right now. Look at mediation; and if that doesn't work, the courts. Everything should be couched in the language of what is best for your children. Ie. It's not fair on them to be deprived of a relationship with their father, rather than it not being fair on you to be deprived of a relationship with your kids.

resists the urge to ask where they were in your thoughts when you were jumping into bed with OW and betraying the woman who gave birth to them

NewLife4Me Tue 01-Sep-15 15:30:41

OP, you are very lucky.
You have not only ruined your families life by screwing around whilst your wife had small children to look after but you get to play daddy, more than likely 50/50 residency then your ow can play at being step mummy.
How the hell do you think your wife feels.

The lucky bit is that she hasn't done what my friend did and move to the other side of the country so the dad couldn't see the kids.
His work doesn't allow too many trips, he sees them very occasionally.

I'm sorry to be blunt but you and ow have wrecked your family and you don't seem to think you have done anything wrong.
Well, if she is happy to break one family can't see as you'll be together for long.
I hope you are supporting your family properly and not just paying what the csa might say.

Daddcares Tue 01-Sep-15 15:32:54

Please don't use the courts as a threat to get what you want if you are serious then go through with it.

At what point have i said i've mentioned let alone threatened this ?????????

I appreciate the comments on here

however i'm well aware of the hurt i have caused.
At no point EVER have i threatened my wife in any way physical or re the kids please dont judge me on the little bit of info i gave in the original post

the last thing i want is to go to court to have accesss to my children but it looks like its the way it will go.

i have now heard back from mediation since my original post earlier on , my wife has had letters texts and calls from them to which she has ignored

IM gonna stress here iM GUTTED this has happened to me the kids but most of all my wife however it has and all i want for my kids is for them to have the relationship with there dad

scatterthenuns Tue 01-Sep-15 15:34:56

Collaborate, I think that is a load of crap.

Rather, I reckon that the obviously very hurt woman is livid with the pair of them, and is terrified of the OW winning over her children the same way she did with her DH.

I'd want to stop them building a relationship with her too. Not this early, whilst the wounds are still open.

lunar1 Tue 01-Sep-15 15:37:30

This didn't just happen to your family, it wasn't an accident you chose to cheat. You caused this hurt.

scribblegirl Tue 01-Sep-15 15:40:41

IM gonna stress here iM GUTTED this has happened to me the kids but most of all my wife

It didn't "happen" to anyone. You did it to them.

Your children deserve a relationship with their father but that kind of blame ducking makes you sound like a crap one.

BathtimeFunkster Tue 01-Sep-15 15:41:20

I can understand why she is upset but she is not acting in the interests of your children

So that makes two of them.

But one of them is acting out of being traumatised by an enormous betrayal.

The other is motivated by getting his leg over with his new bit.

I would go down a legal route.

Yes, further antagonising a woman whose life you have wrecked and dragging your kids through a court custody battle is exactly what your children need now as they deal with their father walking out of their family for his new girlfriend.

BathtimeFunkster Tue 01-Sep-15 15:44:36

iM GUTTED this has happened to me the kids but most of all my wife however it has


Nope. Nothing "happened". You did this to them. On purpose.

Your children deserve a relationship with a better man than you.

fastdaytears Tue 01-Sep-15 15:46:12

what your children need now as they deal with their father walking out of their family for his new girlfriend. this is a bit unfair when he is trying to maintain a good relationship with his children and being stopped.

Have to say though I really hope "happened to me" was a typo! Though not sure what OP could have been trying to say.

BlahBlahUsername Tue 01-Sep-15 15:46:19

What happens if mediation is ignored? Does it then go straight to court?

In your shoes OP, I would try one last time to contact her in the most effective way possible - whether letter, or a mutual friend, and state that you're sorry for the hurt you caused but your children need you in their lives too, and that you have no intention of introducing them to the other woman until it feels appropriate. Perhaps if you feel inclined even say that you'll discuss it with her before that happens. (Other posters are right in saying she can't dictate who they see when they're with you, but you seem to understand that it wouldn't be a great move for your children.)

Set a date, like seven days from posting of letter, whatever, and let her know she can communicate with you in whichever way she feels comfortable, but that if you have no response from her by a certain date you will be moving ahead and applying for a court hearing. It's important your children have normal contact resumed asap, or as normal as possible. Stress that it's not about her or you, it's about them.

But as a stop-gap, couldn't you see them with her, if she's still amenable to it? It's better than nothing.

Daddcares Tue 01-Sep-15 15:48:25

so after me being attacked on here for what i have never ducked blame for

should i now disclose shes been having a relationship with my now x friend since the week after we split up


StanSmithsChin Tue 01-Sep-15 15:49:37

If court is your only option then I pray your wife gets a SHL to ensure hers and her children's futures are secure.

Be very clear on what path you choose OP as no child was ever grateful to a father that hurt their mother. I am just sorry you didn't think about them this much during your affair.
I truly beleive children deserve a good relationship with both parents and I hope your new GF can cope as SM to ones so young. If you bother to checkout the divorce board pop along to Step parents too and see how many couples struggle with blended families.

For your children's sake I hope you are a better father than you were a husband. Hope you sort something out OP with the least amount of distress to all parties.

BathtimeFunkster Tue 01-Sep-15 15:50:04

A week after you walked out on her and your children, she was free to shag whoever she wanted.

LumpySpacedPrincess Tue 01-Sep-15 15:51:48

If the relationship was abusive then I can understand why your wife would want to be present, to protect her children.

As the relationship wasn't then the children have the right to continue the relationship with their father and to meet whoever he wants them to meet. Relationships fail and it sucks but the children must be put first, everyone has to put aside their personal feelings for the children's sake.

I do feel for your wife but unless she feels she is protecting her children then she doesn't have the right to deny them a relationship with their father.

Hopefully she will meet a nice loyal partner in the future, if that's what she wants.

MistressMerryWeather Tue 01-Sep-15 15:51:59

As far as I'm concerned the affair you had and access to your children are 2 separate things.

This isn't about you or your ex, it's about the children and they must be finding this all very distressing.

Get yourself a solicitor and have a look at the Families Need Fathers website ink{\]]/}

MistressMerryWeather Tue 01-Sep-15 15:53:08

Link fail

Daddcares Tue 01-Sep-15 15:56:16

as i expected all most people have read is there is a ow and not the problem in hand which is my children need their farther

thanks to those that have commented in a sensible way

im aware i have done wrong and hurt people as al;ways thers alot more to the situation than can be put on here but ill leave it at that

MistressMerryWeather Tue 01-Sep-15 15:58:48

You have also had some good advice here Dadd.

StanSmithsChin Tue 01-Sep-15 16:00:06

Actually I think every poster has addressed the contact issue and all have offered advice, from biding your time to seeking legal support. The fact you had an affair is important as that is the reason you poor wife feels the way she does.
Mediation and courts don't care about your lack of morals and will only focus on the welfare of the children so they won't judge you, which should please you OP.

BathtimeFunkster Tue 01-Sep-15 16:06:35

Relationships fail and it sucks but the children must be put first, everyone has to put aside their personal feelings for the children.


But one parent has clearly failed to do this over an extended period, so it's understandable the other parent feels they are not trustworthy where the children are concerned.

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