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Broke up with my wife (access to my 3 kids)

(144 Posts)
Daddcares Tue 01-Sep-15 13:51:56

Ok so broke up from my wife Not going into too much detail except was few months ago i have a new partner and my wife point blank refuses for me to see the kids 5 year old twins boy /girl and 2 year old boy , unless she (wife) is with me

so im not allowed to take them to the park few min walk from their house or take them for a meal basically anything unless she's with us.

the reason given is she thinks i'm going to take them to meet my new partner (im not and have no intention to do so at the moment)

she wont answer the phone to allow me to speak tot the kids etc

yes im paying maintenance
no never been physical with either the kids or my wife
yes what i have done in ending the marriage is wrong but im genuinely upset every day about missing my kids and lack of contact

any experience /advise please help

MistressMerryWeather Tue 01-Sep-15 20:29:21

Being married isn't always best for the children.

What's the saying? 'Better to be from a broken home than live in one'.

Although I hate the term broken home, it makes sense.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer Tue 01-Sep-15 20:34:50

No. But if a marriage is in trouble, handling it like an adult and ended it cleanly is likely to make life immeasurably easier for your kids.

I don't believe I'm staying together for the kids. But leaving for an OW heaps extra pain onto the situation (whether or not they know at that point ) so it certainly isn't putting them first.

Fairenuff Tue 01-Sep-15 20:38:23

Reading back, when you say that you paid child support to illustrate how reasonable you've been, I do wonder why you thought that was a good example.

They are your children and you should support them until they are independant adults. The fact that you left their mother should not change that one iota.

I think that you are patting yourself on the back for doing that and that you think it merits some sort of acknowledgement or praise. Crap dads abandon their kids. So you're not a crap dad. Whoop de doop. I think you need to get over yourself on that point.

Also I think that the main reason you want to see the children on your own is because your new partner doesn't like you being with your ex. I don't think she trusts you because obviously she knows that you are a cheater and a liar. She's giving you grief about it and that's why you're putting pressure on your ex.

Go back to mediation and ask them what the procedure is when one party refuses it. You can probably get a court order for her to attend. But don't be an arse about it. You've shit all over your family, it will take time to sort out the mess you made.

What did you think about the impact on your children when you were with the ow?

YonicScrewdriver Tue 01-Sep-15 22:00:28

"If you were genuinely upset you would get back there and try and rebuild your marriage."

I disagree with your conclusion, but even if OP wanted to do this, i would be surprised if his ex wife did.

BoneyBackJefferson Tue 01-Sep-15 22:09:19

"If you were genuinely upset you would get back there and try and rebuild your marriage."

You are assuming that the marriage was good before the affair.

YonicScrewdriver Tue 01-Sep-15 22:14:35

I don't think it's relevant how the marriage was before the affair, and you've been on here long enough to know that script, Boney.

The marriage is over and OP has moved in with the OW. Advice should start from there.

BoneyBackJefferson Tue 01-Sep-15 22:31:15


I am in no way trying to excuse the affair.

But an unhappy home with two parents is not a good place to bring up a child or children.

I would like to think that we are long way away from staying together for the sake of the children.

I have friends who were brought up by parents who did that and the outcome wasn't good

YonicScrewdriver Tue 01-Sep-15 22:35:50

Oh yy, I agree that either of them going back to the marriage would be disastrous.

AcrossthePond55 Tue 01-Sep-15 23:16:27

I don't need to hear the 'whole story'. I don't care if your wife was a raging bitch or a sanctimonious harpy. You cheated and there is never an excuse for that. The MANLY thing to have done would have been to have left the marriage when you realized you were no longer happy. And don't try to tell me that you were 'happy' in the marriage until you met the OW. Because that would be another lie. OK, got that off my chest.

You DO deserve to have a relationship with your children. My cousin's ex-husband was a lying cheat, but he was always a very good father. Paid his support on time, supported my cousin in parenting decisions, kept the OW away for (IIRC) a year, and kept to the contact schedule.

As a PP said, send a letter outlining what you want. I'd draft a simple letter outlining what contact you'd like to have (be realistic), a third party to be there that is acceptable to both of you and a time limit that you believe is necessary for that third party. I honestly don't think it's healthy for your wife or your children at this stage to be going out as a 'happy family'. As far as meeting the OW, that issue is up to you. I doubt your wife will ever agree to it. My cousin took almost 10 years before she could stand to be around her, and it's only in the last year she can admit that OW has been supportive of the children, and of her. Anyway, give your wife a reasonable time to decide, I'm sure she'll want to canvas her family/friends. If she doesn't respond in, say, 20 days then see a solicitor.

Daddcares Wed 02-Sep-15 08:39:16

MissFitt68 Tue 01-Sep-15 18:33:35
How is she managing a new relationship without having the children meet him?

If she doesn't respond to the mediators then she will be deemed as being obstructive. The courts won't see it as 'she needs more time'

fairenuff it's not ok to keep 'seeing them as you are'.... She's being verbally abusive to him in front of dc

she has stopped me seeing them and they have all spent time together !!!

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer Wed 02-Sep-15 08:49:09

Your last post said she hadn't stopped you and you'd all been out on a number of occasions. Which is it.confused

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer Wed 02-Sep-15 08:50:11

'All ' meaning you, your ex and the kids.

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow Wed 02-Sep-15 08:57:01

Look, there's no point being all holier than thou. What OP did was wrong and certainly explains his XW's anger. Her life has been turned upside down and she is probably worried about a lot of issues, a major one being her DC having a relationship with the woman who ruined her life.

But at the end of the day OP they are your kids and have a right to see you. I would keep on the "being understanding" route and try to convince her of your good intentions but set a date in your mind for when you will go down the legal route. In the meantime keep a note of all attempts at access, emails, maintenance payments etc in case you need them.

I hope you all find some peace and that your new partner is worth all this.

SeasideSunshine Wed 02-Sep-15 09:30:11

By "all" I suspect he means his stbx wife and his ex friend. But let's remember that the ex friend is likely someone the dcs have known for quite some time and is nonthreatening. They will probably perceive the OW as threatening as she and the OP obliterated the dcs' happy family life.

Interestingly, you mention:
- her town, so obviously you live in a different town
- your new house, within a few months of separating?? Clearly either you've moved in with the OW (which is probably why she doesn't want you taking them to your house) or you've planned well in advance to dump her and go with OW and purchased another house (which is beyond despicable).
- your new family, so your OW has either a dc or dcs.

How do YOU think your children will feel to go to your house and see you playing happy families with your OW and her children, just a few short months after you've walked out on them? Do have any idea how it will affect them?? Have you even thought about it?

If this is the situation, how could you be so selfish as to think that they wouldn't be affected by that? Perhaps she is trying to alleviate that hurt for them while they are still adjusting to the new situation.

The fact that you're being vague about everything rather implies that you don't want the "whole story" to be discussed. But it has an impact on the situation and how people react to you.

The "happened to me" comment is very telling. This didn't "happen" to you. You chose this. And the whole "Daddcares" name? A dad who cares would not treat his children like this - cheating on their mum, walking out like that, moving right in with the OW and her family, and then expecting everyone else to fall in line. You've behaved badly, expect some fallout. Talk about entitled. It's all poor me - she won't let me see them, but you've said she has let you see them.

Maybe take a step back and think about your children and what's best for them, instead of thinking about yourself. Every post on here from you screams about blaming your ex and acting as you are a victim here. You are not. And the comment about her seeing your "ex friend"? Irrelevant. You cheated on her while you were married and together. She is seeing someone AFTER you walked out on her. Completely different situations. Hers was okay. Yours was not.

BathtimeFunkster Wed 02-Sep-15 09:50:09

i have tried to do everything since the affair right

You don't get to reset the clock at the time of your choosing.

It is the height of hypocrisy to insist that the "children's needs" must be put first now that they conveniently align with your own.

Only a few months ago you were not considering their best interests when you destroyed their family in the most devastating and hurtful way possible.

But now that you've done it you are demanding that the person on the receiving end responds in the manner you deem appropriate.

You deeply hurt another human being and your response is to whine about how you are a victim of what happened too hmm

You happened. You chose a course of action that was obviously going to be extremely damaging for your children. Don't put that on her.

You don't get to walk out of a marriage with small children, including a toddler, for a new lover and expect anything other than utter emotional carnage.

That's what you picked, so deal with it as an adult.

You failed to be remotely kind or considerate before. Try it now.

You failed to give a shit how your wife felt. Try that too.

You still fail to own up to what you did and the consequences for all the people you were meant to love and protect from harm. Have a think about that too.

Keep seeing your children as much as you can.

And make sure you have a home for them to go to that doesn't contain a woman whose only impact on their young lives has been harmful.

Daddcares Wed 02-Sep-15 10:01:15

what can i say you have all made your mind up about me with very little info other than Yes i had a affair i came on here hoping for some sensible advise. yes i got that but also a lot of other comments

yes i had a affair
yes i know its wrong

thanks for the input to all that have taken the time too

SeasideSunshine Wed 02-Sep-15 10:02:45

It's such a shame you weren't looking for sensible advice before you cheated on your wife and walked out on your family.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer Wed 02-Sep-15 10:04:49

So you aren't going to answer my question about the inconsistencies?hmm

Many of us have tried to give you constructive advice. But you seem to just want to feel sorry for yourself and present this as a tragedy that befell you.

I hope you resolve this. Remember in all of it that it's not about you and what you want. It's not about your ex and what she wants. Put your children's needs above all else and that will guide you to the right decisions.

Daddcares Wed 02-Sep-15 10:05:37

So you aren't going to answer my question about the inconsistencies?hmm

what question ????

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer Wed 02-Sep-15 10:07:03

Below your previous post. You said you hadn't been stopped from seeing them (but your ex had to be there) then you said she'd stopped you seeing them.

Daddcares Wed 02-Sep-15 10:08:19

i have on a number of occasions been stopped from seeing them but not overall

there was a occasion i was stopped seeing them and they spent the day with him instead

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer Wed 02-Sep-15 10:11:16

What was the reason she gave for cancelling?

BathtimeFunkster Wed 02-Sep-15 10:12:14

Why is he your ex friend?

What happened between the two of you that ended your friendship.

You once valued him as a person, and now your estranged wife cares about him and trusts him.

Might your way back to being a trusted family member be through him?

He seems to be dealing with a lot of the mess you made.

Daddcares Wed 02-Sep-15 10:16:57

he's my x friend cos when he fell of the fence he fell on her side he's a x friend through his choice

his wife is her bestfriend but he spends more time with my kids and x than i do so not sure how thats all working out

i have called and text but no answer so i dont think he can help

SolidGoldBrass Wed 02-Sep-15 10:35:28

Hang on - first you say this ex-friend of yours is in a relationship with your ex wife, now you say he is married to your ex wife's best friend.
Is it the case that your friend left his wife for your ex wife? Or that this other couple are supporting your wife as they disapprove of your behaviour?

Daddcares Wed 02-Sep-15 10:39:03

they are having their own problems so his answer is to drive my wife and kids to wales to our caravan and stay with them

so id say they are not supporting her

SeasideSunshine Wed 02-Sep-15 10:40:10

Do the words "dog in the manger" mean anything to you? hmm

Daddcares Wed 02-Sep-15 10:45:43


SeasideSunshine Wed 02-Sep-15 10:49:14

Can't say I'm surprised.

StanSmithsChin Wed 02-Sep-15 13:30:38

I have never read so much tosh!

You came on here for advice and you got it. Asking for sympathy for a situation you created is foolish.
You keeping twisting the story in the hope we will "side" with you but that isn't going to happen it just makes you look pathetic.

You cannot bitch and moan about who your wife spends time with after all you left her remember.

If you want a relationship with your DC then take the advice you have been given. Seek out a solicitor and pay them to help you but a word of advice don't attempt to blacken your wife's name as that will only show you as more a scumbag.

maybebabybee Wed 02-Sep-15 13:38:42

I don't get this thing about the ex-friend. Are you saying that he has left his wife (your wife's best friend) for your ex-wife?!?

wafflyversatile Wed 02-Sep-15 14:07:42

OP you've had the constructive advice you sought on the situation. I wouldn't bother coming back to the thread now. There is nothing to gain. You're not going to change anyone's mind.

MistressMerryWeather Wed 02-Sep-15 14:14:13

How are your 5 year old twins coping with this mess?

Are they getting any support? I can't imagine what they must be thinking.

If I were you the next time you contact your ex talk about getting some help for the 3 of them them to deal with this. Contact their school and let them know they are going through a tough time.

You both need to get your heads out of your arses and start concentrating on what's they need.

MrsJorahMormont Wed 02-Sep-15 14:17:26

I think lots of people were very kind to you OP and it's better to take the advice you've been given and go down the legal route if you think your ex won't co-operate with you.

Affairs are quite a black and white issue on MN and also for many people in RL. You are not going to get sympathy from many people over the affair (your fatal mistake was the whole 'gutted about what happened' line, as though your magic cock beckoned the OW and she somehow fell and impaled herself on it) but you got plenty of advice on how to proceed. No one has said that you don't deserve contact with your children - you do. It's just harder to arrange informally when there's a breakdown of trust with your ex, the kind of trust breakdown caused by an affair. So you may be better to cut your losses and aggressively pursue the court option now.

captainproton Wed 02-Sep-15 14:41:39

Daddcares, my DH was replaced by his ex wife's OM. The day DH was kicked out of the marital home he moved in. It was 7 years ago now and I can tell you that there will never be a day that my DH and his ex will ever be able to sit down together and chat about the kids. His ex wife got defensive of her new partner and refused really to acknowledge any blame for the situation. His ex married the OM, so he is a father figure in DSS life, and that went straight to the heart like a dagger to my DH. DH was expected to just put up with the new arrangement at a snap of a finger and it hurt like hell.

I came along into DH's life 2 years into a very bitter contact and divorce legal case. It cost both sides a lot of money, I witnessed some bad behaviour on both sides.

It took DH remarrying me and having our first child together for him to really sort of snap out of it. But still even now they will find ways to pick at each other, it's like as soon as they contact each other they go back to day one.

I think it's sad for my stepson that he has had to grow up knowing that both sets of parents hate each other. The ex chose to tell him how she hated my DH and he parroted off a lot of stuff which is disrespectful. So please don't make the mistake of mouthing off about how unreasonable your ex is for being very defensive and unable to move on etc.

I would absolutely recommend going down the legal route, because I think it needs somebody outside of the mess of the break up to find a clear way forward. I would also really, really try not to introduce the OW to your kids for a long while, wait if you can until the divorce is over. Otherwise things get messy, really quickly. Right now you are both seen as the enemy, if you could wait until the dust settles I reckon that it might go some way to rebuilding a small bridge between you. No you will never be friends, but you have to at least hope that you can be civil towards each other and hopefully when it comes to things like graduations and weddings, all of you can be present for the children's sake.

You have to put your kids first now.

AcrossthePond55 Wed 02-Sep-15 15:06:51

So, basically you cut a friend out because he said 'Hey mate, you were wrong to cheat on your wife'? Because he didn't follow the 'Bro Code' when it came to your infidelity? hmm Or could it be that HE ended the friendship because he no longer wanted to be friends with a cheater? My own DH ended a friendship when my friend left her husband over drug use and abuse. Her ex demanded that he 'declare himself' and was appalled that DH didn't take his side. After all, 'bros before hos', right?

It sounds to me as if your infidelity has caused problems in more lives than just your own and may have resulted in the breakdown of more than just your own marriage. Domino effect and all that. Yes, yes, your friend's marriage was probably already on the skids, but your infidelity made your wife vulnerable. Now combine that with a man whose marriage was apparently already rocky and you have a perfect storm, don't you? Do you think there might have been a different result if you had left your marriage in an honourable way, leaving your wife a shred of dignity? I do.

I have a question. Have you sat your wife down and apologized for what you did? I don't mean 'Sorry sweets, I fell in lurve with another because you didn't put out enough/complained too much/didn't look like Megan Fox'. I mean "I completely fucked up. I shouldn't have done what I did, it was wrong. I should have talked to you honestly, told you I no longer loved you, and ended our marriage with dignity long before XXX came on the scene. I'm sorry I could not be the partner you deserved. I'm sorry I left everything in such a mess"? It may go a long way in helping her to heal which in turn may help both of you come to an agreement about the children.

SolidGoldBrass Wed 02-Sep-15 15:29:15

So you're actually a whining, self-pitying arse who can't accept any responsibility for anything but think that everyone should take your side? I bet all your friends are on your wife's side and all glad to be rid of you.

NewLife4Me Wed 02-Sep-15 15:42:20

What an ironic nn, do you bloody hell care.
You have hurt your family including your children because you wanted to dip your wick, you really are despicable to say you care about your kids who are right now without their daddy.
Oh well, maybe Karma will sort you and your home wrecker ow out.
Hope she is much younger than you and decides to leave you soon.

RedOrangeBlueBlack Wed 02-Sep-15 16:10:14

OP - you appear to be a total cunt. That is all.

Solopower1 Wed 02-Sep-15 16:30:44

Daddcares, maybe you should think about what sort of future you want for your kids. Whatever choices you make now will help determine that.

The best thing for the children might be for them to see you regularly and often, for you to pay to support them and for you to get on with your ex wife, to the extent that you can be civil to each other in front of the kids. The children might enjoy having two homes to go to and another set of supportive adults (your new partner's family) and possibly step siblings.

But the reality of the situation is that they will not see you as often as they would have done if you had still been living with them. They are likely to be worse off financially too, as you will have to help support two families.

And are you prepared to see them living with another man (your ex friend or someone you don't know, a few years down the line) and possibly loving him, accepting him as a father figure and having to obey him? That might even be the best thing that could happen to them (and your ex wife) in the circumstances.

Sorry if that is a bit brutal. None of this is going to be easy for anyone, but it is possible to limit the damage you have caused. Lots of people grow up in blended families and are perfectly happy. But you and your ex, and your new partner and her new partner will all have to work hard to create the conditions for the best possible future for your kids. You are going to have to share control over what happens to them, so you need to start talking to your wife and she needs to start talking to you.

Do whatever it takes, and good luck.

sleeponeday Wed 02-Sep-15 21:18:28

So your wife is actually being supported emotionally by her best friend and her best friend's husband, and this makes you angry?


sleeponeday Wed 02-Sep-15 21:21:01

How are your 5 year old twins coping with this mess?

Are they getting any support? I can't imagine what they must be thinking.

If I were you the next time you contact your ex talk about getting some help for the 3 of them them to deal with this. Contact their school and let them know they are going through a tough time.

You both need to get your heads out of your arses and start concentrating on what's they need.

This is good advice.

Scorpvenus1 Mon 17-Jun-19 12:32:27

Rebound relationship and she knows it.

She wants to instill morals and right from wrong into her children and you clearly demonstrate you don't. With the anything will do and next thing offering approach you have taken, like so many I might add then what do you expect.

Scorpvenus1 Mon 17-Jun-19 12:33:48

You keeping twisting the story in the hope we will "side" with you but that isn't going to happen it just makes you look pathetic

Yep and sooooooooo typical man lol

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