Broke up with my wife (access to my 3 kids)

[Daddcares]

Ok so broke up from my wife Not going into too much detail except was few months ago i have a new partner and my wife point blank refuses for me to see the kids 5 year old twins boy /girl and 2 year old boy , unless she (wife) is with me

so im not allowed to take them to the park few min walk from their house or take them for a meal basically anything unless she's with us.

the reason given is she thinks i'm going to take them to meet my new partner (im not and have no intention to do so at the moment)

she wont answer the phone to allow me to speak tot the kids etc

yes im paying maintenance
no never been physical with either the kids or my wife
yes what i have done in ending the marriage is wrong but im genuinely upset every day about missing my kids and lack of contact


any experience /advise please help

[JeffsanArsehole]

I don't see any point in persisting engaging with someone so difficult, you've tried everything so now go and see a solicitor and get proper contact sorted out in court/legally.

The longer you leave it the more difficult it will be. The children are entitled to a relationship with you.

[sleepyelectricsheep]

If the new partner was the OW then you need to be more sensitive to her feelings.

If so it will all be so very raw right now.

If this is the case I would advise going along with her wishes for now, in a bid to regain her trust.

[hattyhatter]

Mediation might help. If not, you need a legal solution. Good luck.

[MissFitt68]

I agree. But mediation will be required before it gets to court, so you could get the ball rolling there

Ask school/nursery to be included in parents eve/school letters/reports etc so you can keep up with that side of things

Good luck!

[Daddcares]

thanks im starting to think its me and i'm wrong ,

i have spoke to the local court about a contact order but have to go through mediation i have started this process as yet she hasn't responded i've asked the meditation to update me today

[sleepyelectricsheep]

Daddcares was your new partner the other woman?

If so you do need to be a bit more understanding to your ex IMO, she must be going through hell.

[Daddcares]

yes she was the ow and i do understand . however she tells me i need to see the kids etc and spend time with them aside from our relationship , yet wont allow me to do that without her there as im sure you can imagine awkward is not the word

[peggyundercrackers]

I would agree with jeff - get proper legal advice - your ex cannot dictate what you can/cannot do with your own kids. Keep a diary of when you have been denied contact so you cannot be accused of leaving them without trying to make contact.

[sleepyelectricsheep]

You need to regain her trust.

You need to understand that you have massively broken it by the betrayal of having an affair, so if you say you will not be including your partner in your visits, she's not unreasonable to disbelieve you.

Cut her some slack. This is not the future she planned for herself or your DCs, it is one they've had forced on them while having their world torn apart, because of your selfishness.

If you feel awkward, well frankly, that's a small price to pay for such an enormous betrayal of trust. Deal with it.

If you want her to trust you ever again, don't fight her. Show her you can be considerate of her feelings.

I'm not saying any off the above to judge you - it's just how things are. If you betray someone's trust, they won't trust you, it's quite simple.

The ball is in your court to regain her trust and show her you can cooperate and learn to co-parent as exes.

I wish you all luck in finding a way forward.

[fastdaytears]

^
You need to understand that you have massively broken it by the betrayal of having an affair, so if you say you will not be including your partner in your visits, she's not unreasonable to disbelieve you.^

Not unreasonable not to believe him but totally unreasonable to decide that means that he can't see his children on their own.

I'd be going straight to the solicitor but if you do want to suggest a compromise now then could there be a friend or relative who there isn't such awkwardness with who could be there for a few visits?

It's not really about the OP feeing awkward- it's about not being able to properly spend time with his children in those circumstances.

Oh and before anyone else says it, it's not "access". OP you come across well otherwise and I have no doubt you thinking of your children but they're not library books or squash courts you can book out! It's "contact" and it's their right to see you not the other way around. One of those times when the terminology does matter.

[sleepyelectricsheep]

" if you do want to suggest a compromise now then could there be a friend or relative who there isn't such awkwardness with who could be there for a few visits?"

That's a really good idea IMO.

Not as a permanent thing, but while it's all still so raw.

[fastdaytears]

Ah well I'm a genius.

Obviously not everyone has a willing volunteer but it might be a good stepping stone between no one and sad/angry wife who can't really be expected to have a nice relaxed lunch with the OP right now.

Wife might also benefit from some time to herself but probably doesn't see that right now.

[lunar1]

Hopefully you can sort something out in mediation. Have you assured her that the OW will be nowhere near your children for the foreseeable future?

[Dollius01]

She is obviously completely wrong to stop access because she is hurting the children but she clearly doesn't believe that you won't introduce them to the OW. Are you absolutely sure you don't intend to do this? If I recollect correctly, it is not advised to introduce new partners until a good 9 to 12 months into the relationship.

Is there any other way you can assure her this will not happen?

I would go to see a lawyer asap for advice if I were you but try to refrain from coming over intimidating (don't start sending lawyers letters flying around). Mediation definitely the best next step. She is bound to come round when she realises she is just hurting her children.

Try to remember that whatever you are telling yourself, your wife (and everyone else probably) see that you have left both her and the kids, not just her. You have to embrace that - you chose to leave and now it is causing a world for pain for everyone, mostly your kids, who you have let down very badly. It is naturally going to be a tricky transition for all of you.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Agree with some of the previous posters, get legal advice now.
Sort out a formal contact agreement.

[Daddcares]

so how do i regain the trust of her

all im trying to do is be there for my kids

i have no intention of them meeting OW anytime soon im happy to have the kids local to the house such as park local pub for meals etc local playcentre but NO

[coffeeisnectar]

The ex cannot dictate who the children see whilst in the care of their father.

The ex cannot control the children to the extent that she is micro-managing their time with their dad.

The relationship the dad has with his children is completely separate to the relationship he had with his ex and while I appreciate she is hurting, passing that hurt onto the children by refusing to let them see dad or insisting on being there (which is confusing for the kids and no doubt a very frosty awkward atmosphere) is cruel and unnecessary.

[NewLife4Me]

Your ex can't dictate when you see your children, you need to either bide your time, be a good dad and show her you still care about her as the mum of your children.

If my dh had had an affair I'm sure I'd be the same, it's a bit despicable isn't it. I don't agree with waiting to gain her trust that has been killed forever, but even though she is hurting they are your children and they have a right to be a part of your life.

You need to seek legal advice and push for mediation.

[StanSmithsChin]

You must have known this wasn't going to be easy?

You have hurt your wife immensely, changed her and the children's whole future and replaced her in a heartbeat and now you want to take her through the courts......have you not done enough to break this women already?

She doesn't trust that you won't introduce OW because let's face it you are not trustworthy are you?
Can you not just suck it up for a little while longer? She isn't stopping access but she wants it on her terms for now and you must be able to see why? The children are very young and you quickly replaced her as wife she will be worried you may try and replace her as mum too. Right now the children are all she has got.

However if you cannot continue with the supervised visits then mediation is the way forward. Please don't use the courts as a threat to get what you want if you are serious then go through with it.
Maybe pop over to divorce board and have a read of how your sort of behaviour affects women maybe it will help you understand the position you have put your wife in.

I wish your wife well for the future and I hope you are able to have a constant and good relationship with your children.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Daddcares

Don't star jumping through hoops to see your children. Go down the legal route.

[scatterthenuns]

so how do i regain the trust of her

I don't think you ever will. Cheating is completely unforgivable and trust destroying for many.

[lunar1]

You can't regain her trust. It will take years for her to trust you if she ever does.

You need to sort mediation out because you will be then able to sure her with a third party that the OW will not be involved. I know she can't and shouldn't stop you seeing them, the poor woman now has to hand over the Moset precious things in her world to a lying cheating scumbag. Of course she won't trust you.

[lunar1]

Oh dear-too many typos to correct!

[wafflyversatile]

She's being unreasonable. When she has the kids she decides who they meet and when you have the kids you decide.

You don't have to regain her trust as a father.

When a couple split up it is not the woman who gets custody of the children and decides how to ration out access to them.

She needs to realise that because she's hurting it does not give her the right to obstruct her DC's access to their father. She needs to act in their best interest not in accordance with her feelings toward you for leaving. He could be going for 50/50 access or even more. She doesn't get to dictate.

Another voice saying get legal advice. If there are no DA issues then the courts would not let her dictate these terms.

If you don't have it already get it on an email/text from her her reasons for the arrangement she is currently insisting on.

What access do you want/think would be best for your DC in order to have a good relationship with both their parents? 50/50 is quite usual these days. Get yourself out of the mindset that DC stay with the mum and the dad gets whatever crumbs she is willing to offer.