Dread going home to moany shouting wife?

[GotABitTricky]

Walk in the door to verbal abuse. Told by wife to get out, so as too tired to argue, turned and went back out house.

I will return home in an hour after going to supermarket, and I feel sorry for kids having to put up with her moods and lazy mess.

Anyone else have to put up with this?
I would divorce if we could afford 2 small houses but can't.

[EnriqueTheRingBearingLizard]

How did it go OP?

No experience of a life like that but it sounds miserable for everyone involved.

It might not sound sympathetic but you're a parent too, presuming the children are yours and if they're not you're a step parent. What are you going to do to help them in the situation other than leave them to it?

Presumably it hasn't always been like this? what do you think causes your wife to kick off? I'd answer differently if she's having a go at you because you were out all night/all morning leaving her to it, or if you'd been working, doing chores or visiting relatives.

Is she overworked, stressed, ill? or is she just very unreasonable without any kind of cause you could both work on.
Clearly it can't just go on like this.

[BoneyBackJefferson]

Late to this but

My Ex was like this, it was one of her favourite forms of abuse.

~In the end there is very little you can do other than end the marriage.

[Luckyfellow]

You have probably already done this but just in case you haven't. Have you tried talking to her and finding out why she is doing it? How old are your DCs? Could she have post natal depression?

[Toadinthehole]

There may be all manner of causes, such as depression. However, that does not justify abuse.

You need to make a careful, honest analysis to make sure you are doing your bit. Having done that, simply refuse to talk to her if she shouts at you. Don't try to take revenge. Don't get provoked. And don't leave the house unless you know you will boil over. The kids and the house are yours just as much as they are hers, and you should not feel obliged to get out, even if she tells you.

And if she ends up flouncing out herself, you've won the round. If you lose your rag, you've lost.

If someone is shouting at me, I find it helps to reflect on how ludicrous they are making themselves. It helps me stay calm.

[wafflyversatile]

Can you expand a bit more on what's happening and how long it's been happening for? Does she acknowledge that her behaviour is unacceptable once she's calmed down? How old are the children?

If she is abusive towards you and the children then you need to protect the children as well as yourself. Any woman posting about an abusive male partner would be urged to either leave, taking the children with them or have the abusive partner leave the family home. This is not often an easy path emotionally or financially but it is worth it in the end.

[AuntieStella]

I saw this in active, and was wondering how it went when you got back in.

Also, on a general assumption that she was not always like this, what has changed? Is there an identifiable cause which can be worked on? Or is it way beyond that?

[GotABitTricky]

Kids are 5 and 11 yrs.
Another awful performance tonight. Basically it is always someone else's fault .
She does not think she doing anything wrong screaming and swearing at kids.
Left to me to settle kids and going between their rooms to comfort them as she continues her rants.
The neighbours thru the wall must be sick of hearing her.
House happy place the second she goes out to work.

Also, I notice date of original post was 27 days ago. Monthly cycle a factor, but I was hit when I mentioned that a few months ago.

Wish I had the energy to leave, but even if she got 2 days access a week to kids, I would genuinely fear for their safety. I suspect the courts default position is the side with mum, so she may end up with kids 5 or 6 days a week.

I not exaggerating when I say she cannot even put a pair of shoes on a 5 year old without screaming and swearing. I genuinely can't think of anything she is good at, seriously.

[ouryve]

You say you worry about the kids, but how much of the child care do you do? (apart from bedtime tonight)

And what was the trigger for tonight's episode?

[madwomanbackintheattic]

She sounds depressed and very unhappy. What are you doing to help alleviate her unhappiness? Does she need some time on her own? If you come home from work and take over cooking, can she escape for an hour or two and get some fresh air and exercise?
I've never know 5 and 11 years to need 'settling' but the way, so do they have any sn? Is this making her life harder too?
Is she stuck in a dead end job she hates and having to come home and grind through clearing up the kids mess, laundry, ironing, cooking etc? When she shouts at you in desperation when you come through the door, do you think she really wants to disappear and leave her to continue fighting the losing battle, or do you think she really needs you to step in, take over, and let her go and have some time to herself for an hour?

Do you think if it is linked to her hormones that a trip to the gp might be more helpful than you fucking off and moaning about her being moody?

I'd say trying to keep everything together knowing your husband is wishing for a divorce is pretty much bound to put you in a pisser of a mood.

Maybe you need to be kinder, sit down sensibly, and discuss how you can make each other's live easier.

She sounds so unhappy.

[GotABitTricky]

started last night as kids were a bit boisterous. They just having bit of fun, but they stress her. This morning I just opened curtains and sons stuff is strewen over back garden. Muggings me will try cover up this act of hers before son wakes up and sees.

Tried to talk 100's of times - she just shouts from the start. Refuses to go to GP for anything - she knows best. Won't even go to a dentist.

Someone asked "Is she stuck in a dead end job she hates and having to come home and grind through clearing up the kids mess, laundry, ironing, cooking etc? " - no, her job one thing she likes. As for mess, laundry and cooking I do that.

Occasionally she may put in a microwave dinner, but every time she will stand and watch microwave for 5 minutes rather than get a plate or cutlery out while it cooking. Sounds petty, but seems odd. The empty carton would sit forever unless I tidy up after her.

I encourage her to go out (gives us a break from her shouting also) and she gets plenty time to herself. For last few months the time I have got kids to sleep, I am tidying and then to bed myself exhausted. Can't remember last time I sat down for an hour to watch tv. I am worn out. But everything is my fault of course.....

[Lagoonablue]

If u were a woman we would all say LTB. Doesn't sound like there is much to stay for but I would be concerned for the kids unless they lived with you.

You need to get to the root of her unhappiness. Had she always been like this?

[Fugghetaboutit]

LTB. Sounds awful for you and the children.

[flanjabelle]

Start making a record of events. Write it all down in as much detail as you can. Use it as evidence to gain custody of your children. I think you owe it to your kids to leave and take them with you or make her leave. She sounds like she needs help, but I doubt she will accept help from what you are saying.

What will your kids remember from their childhood? Being shouted at and verbally abused.

Give them a better start than that op. You are the only one they have to save them from a miserable childhood.

[flanjabelle]

Record her if you can too op. It should be pretty easy to record this behaviour so you have strong evidence.

[flanjabelle]

Oh and the courts do not automatically side with the mum. a friend of mine has just won sole custody of his little girl because the mum is not fit to parent. He is doing a fab job and you could too.

[Cynara]

I haven't visited Dadsnet before, but I saw this in Active convos so I clicked on it, and what I'm really struck by is the different approach some posters seem to be taking compared with many, many similar posts written by women.

As Lagoonablue says, this would definitely get a LTB response on another board.
It sounds like you've tried to talk but she won't. She has the opportunity to seek help but isn't taking it. There's not much you can do now, she's an adult and she is responsible for her own behaviour.

You need to protect yourself and your children. Living in the toxic environment that you describe will damage them.

To repeat the advice given to women in your situation: Start to make an exit plan. Work out how much you'd be entitled to in tax credits if you left. You say she's hit you already. Consider reporting it. If it ever happens again, definitely report it. Take photos of any injuries.
Tell somebody. Get support from a family member or friend. The family courts do not necessarily favour the mother. They will put the children's interests first. If you can show a clear history of abusive behaviour (and shouting/swearing is abusive behaviour) they will not look favourably on her case. You say the neighbours can hear her when she screams and shouts. That could be helpful to you in the future.

Find a family law solicitor who offers a free initial consultation. Take as much with you in terms of financial documents as you can. Start collecting copies while she's out. Deeds to the house, pension information, payslips.

If you do any or all of this, she doesn't need to know and it's not irreversible. It doesn't mean you have to walk out right now. But it will give you a sense of controlling your own life and of having choices. You'll know what your options are. And that might give you confidence to make the next move.
Best of luck.

[Cynara]

Yy to flanjabelle's suggestion of recording her.

[peggyundercrackers]

madwomanbackintheattic What are you doing to help alleviate her unhappiness?

wtf are you on about? its not his problem to alleviate her unhappiness. she is being abusive - only she can change her behaviour.



sorry seems like a nightmare of a time for you and your kids - I know you say you couldn't afford 2 small houses but you only need to worry about you and your kids and making them safe. its not acceptable to be shouting and swearing at kids nor you. its easier said than done but try not and back down - stand up for your kids sake.

good luck whatever you do, sounds like your in a terrible situation.

[MurielWoods]

Please OP, you need to put yourself and your children first.

Don't waste time trying to figure out what has caused it or what triggers her, it's entirely irrelevant.

I think that trying to record things is a good idea if you can. You say she hit you? Not sure how long ago this was but you need to report this to police and get it on record. The police know that there is an increasing incidence of DV against men from their female partners.

You need to start gathering evidence and quietly planning your exit strategy. Either she leaves or you do but either way, keep the children safe with you.

Good luck and please keep posting here for support.

[GrumpyOldBiddy2]

I complete agree withCynara and Peggy.

Ignore the posters who seem to be saying 'what are you doing to make her abusive?' 'What are you going to do to stop it?'

I feel for you and your kids, it's no way to live. Did you say that she hit you before? I'm no legal expert but sounds like you've been given some excellent advice, think about it and get yourself and your kids in a better place

[Bubblesinthesummer]

I agree with PP. If a female had posted this there would be an uncry, and rightly so, if someone suggested that the OP was doing something to cause the abuse!

OP, please put yourself and your children first.

[saintlyjimjams]

Take a photo of the stuff strewn across the lawn. If you want custody you will need to provide evidence. That's pretty strong evidence if it's part of a pattern, and yes to recording her raving.

She sounds terribly unhappy. Was she like this after one child, or is it since the second? As she's so unhappy would she take the offer of an exit strategy for her with you remaining with the children (although sounds as if finances might make it hard to offer that easily).

[daydreamnation]

I am so shocked at the hypocrisy here! You poor poor man, you have told us that your wife has hit you, is verbally abusive to both you and your dcs, including throwing all your ds's belongings out a window and that she does almost nothing to help with the daily slog of family life. If you were a woman nobody would suggest that you 'find the root of her happiness' or talk about how she maybe depressed etc
You and your dcs need to get away from this damaging situation, I agree that logging events, recording etc would be a good start. Do you have any support? Do any extended family members know what life is like for you? If you were my neighbour I would want to help, do you know them at all?

[GotABitTricky]

Thanks for advice poster " flanjabelle" and I filmed a few clips tonight. Even though she knew I was filming as I told her and light flashes on phone, she still would not quieten down. Quite bizarre I think.

Kids both said tonight several times they scared of their mum.
She still thinks it all my fault. Seems clear the trouble always starts when she walks thru door.

10pm and its been a war zone for 3 hours. I finally got youngest to sleep, but older kid upset and awake. Their mum has not gone up and checked on them once. Prob for best as she just shouts and swears.

[ohdobuckup]

Ok .very briefly, this is child abuse, emotional abuse which is pervasive and life changing. There are lots of messages to you from other posters which I would echo..for your children's health, let alone yours,this has to stop as soon as possible.
More men are getting full care orders, there is more acceptance that women can be abusive by the appropriate services; I have worked with many damaged children scarred by their mother's behaviour, pull the plug on this .Contact social services and get proper support.