Wife Got Pregnant On Purpose, What To Do?(404 Posts)
First time poster here. I could really do with peoples perspective’s on this as I’m swimming with so many thoughts and I can’t seem to lay them out to make sense.
Im 28 year old husband who’s been married for just under a year, we’ve been together for around 7 years and we have a 3 ½ year old son.
I came home on Monday night from work for my Mrs to tell me she is pregnant again, I’ve made it very clear that I didn’t want another child and I didn’t even want one child but things happen. It’s worth pointing out at this point that I love my son dearly and wouldn’t change him for the world. We initially found out that she was pregnant with our first when she was 7 months gone and I have been led to believe that it was an accident which up until the announcement of baby 2 I firmly believed. However recent events have shook me to my core and I’m really lost now.
My Mrs takes care of birth control and has been on the pill, she said that she was on it throughout our first child and it was just an accident. I believed her as I know the pill isn’t 100% proof and had no real reason to doubt it as she appeared just as shook up as me. I know I should use something as well rather than just trusting her however I trusted her 100%, if things work out I will definitely be taking control of birth control.
What has happened on this occasion is that she has just stopped taking the pill, she wanted to “take a break” as the pill was making her feel awful. She says that she told me but there is no way that she did as I am so adamant about a second child I would of remembered 100% and would’ve done anything I could so stop the possibility of child number 2. Theres a couple of reasons that I don’t want a second child which can be summarised below;
•I’m too selfish and it takes a considerable amount of effort on my part to be a good dad (I like to think I’m a good dad as every dad does)
•I don’t want to go through the first 24 months of no sleep, no freedom, nappies and all the other stuff
•We can’t financially afford it (we have around £10k worth of Credit Card debt which comes from the Wedding she insisted on having in the UK despite it costing double as going abroad)
•60% of my wage is commission and can’t be counted on (this adds an enormous amount of pressure on my shoulders)
•My basic wage doesn’t even cover the basic bills so I have to ensure that I perform at work
•She wants to go back to work once she has the second child (I can never understand this, why do you want a child if you just want to go work and dump them on nursery?)
•Her wage doesn’t even cover 1 child’s childcare – I basically pay for her to go to work
•I guess, the most fundamental reason is that I just don’t want a second child
What is killing me is the thought that she may have got pregnant on purpose the first time and pulled of some Oscar winning act to convince me she didn’t. Also, the main issue which is what sticks in my mind is that can I trust? Will I ever be able to trust her again? She knew I didn’t want a second child but came off the pill without telling me and now she is pregnant. I don’t know if I’ll be able to trust her again. If that’s the case, how can the marriage last? How can I provide a stable home for my son? How can I be the dad that I want to be?
All I can see are two options;
Option One: Stay and try and work things out (I don’t know how this will affect us mentally and physically)
Option Two: Leave
I think that I should leave but I’m a coward, I can’t walk out on my son and pregnant wife, what kind of man does that make me? But then again, what kind of dad will I be if I am unhappy and me and the wife lose our connection?
If you were that adamant that you didn't want children, I don't understand why you would put the responsibility on someone else's shoulders to make sure you didn't have one.
Your OP reads very strangely: I'm too selfish to have kids, it takes loads of effort for me to be a good dad...
If you can't trust her and don't want to be in the relationship then leave.
I'm not going to pick too much on the comment about having children just to put them in childcare although it's incredibly offensive and ignorant.
If she has done this deliberately then she has completely broken your trust. The baby is now on the way and you will have to adapt but whether that will kill your relationship or not only time will tell. I guess the first step is for her to be honest and admit it if she did engineer both pregnancies. However don't use this as a stick to beat her with - unless she's got serious psychological issues concealing a pregnancy until 7 months is really unlikely so id say she was as surprised by the first one as you. Are you sure she didn't tell you she was going off the pill?
I think unless she's honest and takes responsibility for deceiving you there will be no starting place to regain trust.
If it was so important to you not to have another child, why didn't you do anything to prevent it happening yourself? As accidents clearly happen.
Saying that, nobody should try to trick anyone into having a child so if that's what you wife has done then you are right to be upset with her.
As for some of your other comments WOW I am clearly a failure for wanting to work and provide for my child's future, how dare your wife want to work to help provide for the family and future! Childcare is a joint even if her wage is less than that now bring back in the workplace means that it probably will long term.
TBH you sound pretty selfish.
If you were that adamant about not wanting a child you should have taken responsibility for contraception ie had the snip
You say you would have done anything to stop the possibility of another child yet you're happy to have unprotected sex?
Why didn't you wear a condom or have the snip if you really didn't want anymore? It's not just your wife's responsibility.
As for the rest, you sound like a selfish arse. I hope for your family's sake you change your attitude.
Surely you noticed the pill making her feel awful? Was there really no discussion about this, no suggestion from you that perhaps you should use other contraception?
I have to say that I agree with the other posters - if you were totally adamant, and you already knew that the pill wasn't 100% and in fact had failed once already then you needed to take responsibility for that and have the snip or use condoms.
However, now the baby is on the way, and you need to deal with that. Only you can know how deeply you feel about this. Baby's don't have to cost a lot at first.
I will also say, that it's incredibly offensive and hypocritical to say why have kids if you're just going to dump them in nursery, as this is exactly what you do, and the cost of nursery may be more than your wife's salary now, but if you leave then she's going to be glad that she has an income of her own.
Remember you are responsible for that child too, and so half those childcare costs are yours.
Surely, if you're adamant you want no more children, you should have had a vasectomy? Unless she self-inseminated...
You need to talk to her, not us.
If your stance is 100% no more, you need to find out why the lack of communication re stopping the pill.
Neither party could genuinely forget that conversation.
Good luck. Women genuinely find themselves pregnant without intentionally trying to conceive all the time- life works out.
Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.
I don't think it is selfish to not want children, being a parent is not for everyone the OP is just insightful enough to realize that he's not cut out for it.
However I think in your shoes, ie being someone who is certain they don't want children I'd have taken that decision out of the other persons hands, vasectomy?
The horse has bolted so no point trying to fix the stable door.
I don't know what you should do, I would be very upset if I'd become a parent without consenting to it
You should've got a vasectomy. And you should definitely grow up. I feel sorry for your wife ~ you seem awfully self absorbed.
Well you need to discuss this with your wife don't you? And try and get a feel for whether she is being honest or not.
Aside from that, if you decide to leave because you think she's lying or because you don't want to live in a house with two children, you need to tell her, and even that you are considering it, as it may affect her decision as to whether she continues with the pregnancy.
You need to talk to her and let her know that leaving is something you are considering IMO.
She wants to go back to work once she has the second child (I can never understand this, why do you want a child if you just want to go work and dump them on nursery?)
You went straight back to work.
DH didn't want any more children. I agreed. He had the snip. Sorted
You need to talk to her.
Very disrespectful hearing your views on children in daycare etc.
You sound quite belittling towards your dw to be honest.
When is baby due?
Use a condom and take responsibility for yourself? HTH
Wow, thanks for the comments. And you are all right, I should have taken care of the birth control myself. I have no defence for that, I can only say that I trusted her 100% and never even considered the possibility she would get pregnant on purpose. We have discussed the snip however she hit the roof everytime I mentioned it. Maybe in a few years I would've considered another child but at this moment in time I dont think that it is a fair a feasable option.
Maybe I should clear the work thing up. Her wages leaves around £400 a month for me to find for childcare, please bare/bear in mind that I pay all the bills and her wage doesn't contribute to the running of the household. Also when were at home with the little one she is one her phone constantly, just sits and watches him play and very rarely gets involved. Maybe she does more when I'm not there but when I'm there she appears to be more of a observer rather than a participant.
What I mean by it taking a lot of effort to be a good dad is that it isn't my natual disposition to be a father, some people are maternal, others arn't. I try my best and put 110% in and I'm successful in doing so, I'm told that I'm a good dad and my wife has used that argument as to why we should have another.
I never hid the fact that I am naturally selfish, its taken a lot of work for me to lose that aspect of my personality but it still resides in me. I take all those comments on the chin. I agree.
Would any of you get pregnant when you know that your husband isn't ready for another one?
You should have had a vasectomy if you felt that strongly.
I don't think you like or respect your wife much.
And your finances don't check out - are you projecting for costs for 2 kids? Because a day in nursery is roughly = to a day on minimum wage so a £400 shortfall is unlikely.
you pay for her to go to work?
nice way of putting it
my thoughts? grow up
You sound quite selfish to be honest and sexist, why is it selfish for your wife to go to work and leave the kid in childcate but not you for example.
If you knew the pill was not 100% then why did you not take control of your own responsibility and wear a condom or get the snip.
You need to talk to your wife and lay it all out with her. This baby is on the way and it needs sorting before then. If you do leave, you still have a responsibility to pay for both children and so actually the money worries will no go away, you will learn a way to cope. Babies are not expensive at first.
Pills fail. She probably did tell you she was feeling awful on the pill and wanted to stop, but you were to selfish to hear it and just said she had to take it as you didn't want kids, or you didn't want to wear a condom/have the snip. Condoms your responsibility.
If she deliberately got pregnant that's really not on. I think for all your sakes you should leave her, as if she did get pregnant accidentally you will forever beat her up over this so she's better off on her own
you write very well, btw
what's your day job?
There is actually nothing at all wrong with a person who looks at themselves and says you know what - I am not the sort of person who has any business being a parent. It is a good thing to be honest with yourself about. I'm not going to criticise you for knowing yourself and being honest with yourself.
I am going to criticise you for feeling that way and still leaving your contraception in someone else's hands. That was the wrong thing to do and you should be booking that appt asap! have the vasectomy you should have had when you knew that you 100% did not want a child. Someone who feels as strongly as you should take personal responsibility and have the operation. Then you know you have done what you need to do to ensure you cannot father a child.
Regarding this child - the point at which you had the option to be the decision maker is passed. You passed it when you opted to not have the snip. You passed it when you chose to leave the contraception to your wife instead of using condoms. Now the choice is with your wife because it's her body.
You need to sit down with your wife and have a very honest conversation with her. You need to tell her all the things you have said here. Really let her see into your heart here.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.