Not coping with not seeing my son(11 Posts)
Its been a week since the split. have young son with long term partner. What she needs is space. I struggled at first with suddenly not being able to contact her throughout the day every day as was the norm. That's without the physically seeing her every morning and night. I have come to terms with the fact that no contact between the 2 of us is probably the best for all concerned at the moment, but I am struggling big time with not seeing the boy. I find I am in a catch 22 situation where she doesn't want me to contact her, but I need to in order to arrange seeing the boy. I have seen him once in the last week, for a few hours yesterday in a neutral location , just the boy , not her. It made me feel better at first but in the end it's actually making me pine for him even more. He seemed to have grown up so much in only a week and i am terrified about only seeing a fraction of these , his best , most innocent years. For Background we didn't split due to cheating or anything like that, more deeper issues that have been brewing over time.
Personally don't understand why you refer to your son as 'the boy'
If it's only been a week is there a chance you both just need space and will get back together?
How old is your son?
Can you sit down with your ex and arrange some sort of routine where your son can visit/stay with you on a regular basis?
Otherwise you'll need to seek legal advice and sort after a childs arrangement order through the courts.
That really sounds so difficult.
I'm really sorry you are going through this. I don't have any practical or useful advice and hope someone wiser with more experience will be along.
If the split is definitely going ahead, you need to arrange a better arrangement with your ex. How old is your LO?
(For what it's worth, I affectionately refer to my DS as The boy, on occasion)
Like AJ says - you need to agree a routine for seeing your son; certainly more than a few hours once a week although exactly what will depend on his age, whether he's still breastfed, whether you and she really shared his care and so forth. But as you have agreed not to contact your partner I suggest you email her (or send a letter - something impersonal and controlled) ensuring it's clear this is just about your contact with your son.
Well the OP can't refer to him by name on this thread, and the lad is a boy, so I don't see the issue with referring to him as boy.
How old is your son? If he is is very young then she may need to be the main caregiver.
If he is a bit older, is there any chance you could try getting 50:50 access? Can a neutral person(eg family member) get in touch with your ex instead of you to arrange a place to meet, so you are not having to deal with one another?
Your relationship with your ex may have come to an end, or is in the process of ending, but your relationship with your son should be a separate matter.
When you take her son, it gives her some time on her own which may be good for her as well.
@AJNH "Personally don't understand why you refer to your son as 'the boy' hmm"
Sorry I don't follow.
I hope that given time and space that we can thrash it out and start again. I'm not so sure this is part of her plans though. certainly not at the moment.
I am not even entertaining the thought of legal advice just yet as I want it to be done as reasonably as possible between the 2 of us. The thought of involving anyone else just seems completely wrong to me. at this point.
I'm more looking of ways of dealing with the here and now as it's hurting like mad.
He's nearly 2.
@Allstoppedup . Thanks.
I think it's best if you handle things between yourselves if both parties are being reasonable. If one of you feels the other isn't being reasonable then it will be time to call in a 3rd party. Good luck.
Whatever the situation between your long term partner and you, contact with your son is important. Therefore do not waste any more time. See him as much as you can and do not worry about her feelings when it comes to your contact with your son. She may want space and no contact with you but tough, thats not possible as you need to make contact in order to see your son. perhaps an email or a text to sort arrangements. if it helps, put together a short term schedule of when you will take your son out or when he will stay at yours.
I hope you are able to sort your relationship out. It is a horrible time for you. whatever happens, spend as much time as you can with your son and keep that close bond and show him your love and support and youll be fine
Can I just stress that you need to establish regular contact immediately. 50/50 should be the norm and what you should aim for, even if you guys manage to sort out your problems Set contact in place right now. Whether she wants space or not this is your son, your relationship with him is separate to your issues with your partner.
I say this because god forbid it were to get nasty, courts favour the status quo.
you are his father and you are every bit as important to him as his mother.
Please be firm about your contact, if you are able and have a safe and comfortable environment you should be having over night contact with him.
Stop being weak OP
its only been a week. Stop wallowing in self pity
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