Advice for a guy living with a woman who has two children(20 Posts)
I moved in with a woman two months ago who has two children aged 6 and 7. We seem to be arguing a lot recently with regards her expectations on what my financial responsibility is and I just need some advice on whether I am in the wrong or right.
To give some background, I have a son aged 15 (16 in May) who lives a long distance away so I don't see him often. I earn a significant amount more than my new partner - she had a messy Divorce from a wealthy husband. I get the feeling she is used to a man paying for a lot of things like holidays.
Our latest disagreement came in discussions on a holiday in that I offered to pay for me and her, but I feel she should pay for her own Children. I have no problem paying for meals out for the four of us etc and buying shopping - But I feel that a two grand expense for her Children on a holiday is not fair. And in fact such money should be spent on my own Son as I save up for his Uni fees in a few years.
Does anyone have any similar experiences. Am I being unfair?
I see know one else has replied to your post, didn't want it to go unanswered. I am no expert in relationships but here goes!
Hmmm. This is a tricky one. I feel your pain, it's one of many things you will end up wishing you had discussed prior to moving in together. The joys! I have been there.
I have a little boy and I moved in with someone who wasn't his dad. He had two girls from a previously relationship who stayed with us a couple of nights a week as well.
If we went anywhere we took it in turns to pay. He had a lot more money than me (wads and wads of it lol) and there were times I refused to go places because I couldn't pay my own way. I paid half the household bills, shopping or anything we bought for the house. I bought all my sons clothes and anything he needed.
My son is my responsibility not anyone else's. That however is just me and its a pride thing but not always a good thing.
Has your partner lost out on any benefits from having you staying with her and worse off financially? That puts a different spin on it.
Is she willing to pay towards anything your son needs?
You will both have to talk and decide these things.
I don't think you should be paying for everything unless you offered to take them on holiday. But its a difficult one as you are a family now all of you and you moved in knowing she had two children and took them on as well.
I don't think anyone is right or wrong you are just both going to have to work out an agreement that your both happy with, or it will continue to cause arguments.
Let us know how you get on.
It's odd that you don't describe the cost of the holiday in terms of monetary split e.g. 70/30 or in sums you'd each be paying.
You specifically feel her children should be excluded from your generosity. That's rather too specific for me not to comment. It seems significant.
If I and a bloke lived together and had unequal finances I wouldn't expect to live different lives because of that. However nor would I expect or allow myself to be either the partner in a relationship funding another (been there, got the t-shirt) or being funded. You have to come to some sort of agreement about your monetary responsibility. This must be more than about taking her children away and who pays for them?
The more I think about this, the more your stance of not paying for her children to go on holiday sounds like a rejection of them. That may not be your intention but is what it comes over like.
I'd consider that aspect to it first. Are there issues or resentment towards them?
If you remove that element and just look at it as a monetary value e.g. She is paying for two people and you are paying for two people then your argument is over what you think is fair for one adult in a couple. (The children are an inevitable financial responsibility and you can't plan a holiday excluding them)
Women who live off male earnings are not the ones to settle down with. It never is going to work. Get her back out to full time work and try to encourage her to forge a high paid career. Do not pay for her chidlren nor her. She has arms and legs. She can earn her own keep like the rest of us. You do these women no favours by keeping them financially. in fact you set back women's rights by doing so.
I would have thought she should be paying at least half of her kids with the child benefit she gets from their father? As others have mentioned songers will just lead to more friction.
Between you, you can either afford this holiday for two adults and two children, or you can't.
If it's not affordable, then you won't be going and you have to go somewhere that is affordable.
Flower, OP doesn't say if she works or not.
That's a little harsh flower. I agree with the sentiment so possibly it's just your wording.
It's a big deal that you are keeping her kids so separately. You refusing to pay is wrong. Her expecting you to pay is wrong.
There's no golden answer here. My response would be to treat them how you wish your children would be treated by a new partner.
You don't sound overly attached to any of them in your op
I would nt fall into the trap of supporting her children to the detriment of your son.
I don't have any such experience, but I don't think you're being unreasonable.
My view is that your partner should make a proportionate contribution from what her ex-H pays her, and from what she earns. If she's not working, why isn't she working? This is of course, unless you suggested and arranged the holiday and were implicitly making a gift of it. Of course, if the ex-H is being a bad boy about paying CS/maintenance, you should insist that something be done.
Sounds like your still in the early stages of the relationship. You ought to be a bit careful to make sure that you don't set yourself up as the sugardaddy.
You earn more you pay more. Why should she subsidise your lifestyle?
.. but that's not the same as paying "all".
It's difficult to know what to say here, as I have only been the child in this kind of situation. But, from my own experience of being a step-son, I would say (gently, and with respect) that you should not lose sight of the fact that you have moved in with three people. A package deal, so to speak.
But, again, with the money, I wouldn't know where to begin!!!
I find your attitude very upsetting op, you live as a family therefore all money should be shared. If you love your dp you should love the dc they come as a package. If your new dp is/ was entitled to tax credits they would have been cut on the assumption that you would provide for the children.
I think the amount you earn should be relative to what you spend, especially considering you live together.
And frankly if you're on a different page regarding finances then you should have discussed this before moving in together. Why do people not do this?!
She is using the OP for a meal ticket
Her kids..... Her responsibility, your kids..... Yours :D
tell her to get a job or find a new lady
Sounds to me like she sees you as a cash cow and little else.
I have been slightly in this situation in that I moved in with a woman with three kids, but they were all grown up, except one. We very early on came to the following arrangement. We opened a joint bank account worked out how much we needed to put into it to pay day to day living expenses, mortgage etc. We then divided this sum in the same proportions as our take-home pay. This obviously left us with pocket money in the same proportions Seemed fair and we always stuck with it. Workled with my ex too. Even spitl up the divorce settlement the same way. What do you think?
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