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My history is causing a problem.

(11 Posts)
bothyman Sat 15-Nov-14 21:19:31


I'm 40, been married 12 yrs, together for nearly 20. I love my wife, she's fabulous. We've got 3 cracking kids.

We were chatting a few nights ago, following a programme we'd been watching which contained a tale of unrequited love.

I mentioned (foolishly)/that something similar happened to me once.

While at school, I was friends with a girl, real proper friends. I never knew she felt more strongly about me. As time went on, my feelings for her grew. Being a nervous 16 yr old I said nothing for 2 years.
When I finally told her, she had, obviously moved on to seeing me as a friend. I was upset, but moved on.

A year later I went to university and got on with my life. At university I met my wife, and relationships wise, I havent looked back.

Anyway I told my wife all this and now she thinks she's always been second best. The only answer she wants to hear now is that she's right, and I do still love this other woman. I don't. I've made my decision and I'm completely happy.

I'll hold my hands up, I am in contact (if following on twitter counts as contact) with her. She's married with 2 kids, we've got 3. I'd say we are back to being friends. You know, a card at Christmas type of thing.

I'm getting the cold shoulder all the time, and there seems to be nothing I can say or do to put things right.

I obviously regret having brought this up. What do I do?

BIWI Sat 15-Nov-14 21:29:00

Do? You don't do anything! Your wife is being very silly and, I think, rather immature about all of this. This was a girl you didn't even have a relationship with!

CookieLady Sat 15-Nov-14 21:35:50

She's being daft. My DH spent three years at uni being in love with his friend. He's still friendly with her to the point that she came to our wedding and we went to hers. There isn't anything for you to prove to your wife.

Katie2489 Sat 15-Nov-14 21:36:27

Tricky. I personally have the same 'history' as you so i can completely understand that you mean what you say entirely. I don't really think that she would really believe you still have feeling for your childhood sweetie, but I can also see that it might be more difficult to understand if she didn't have a similar situation occur at any point. Best thing to do - shower her with love and affection and keep it up - by giving you the cold shoulder she may be 'testing' your affection for her to see how far you will go to win back her favour. I'm sure it will work out eventually.

Wackadoodle Sun 16-Nov-14 13:16:01

I agree that there's nothing you can do. I wouldn't even agree with being more affectionate, as she may well interpret that as a sign of guilt. When people start playing games or insisting on reading things into situations that aren't there, you have to be careful not to play up to it.

How long ago did you tll her? I ask because we went through a similar thing when we were first together, in relation to my childhood sweetheart. Eventually, it just faded away and it isn't an issue any more (although I'm not in touch with her, so I suppose that's a bit different).

It may just be that as life goes on and your wife realises there's nothing there, she gets used to it and starts behaving more sensibly. Most people have previous relationships before they get married - she really needs to get over that simple fact and you can't do it for her.

bothyman Sun 16-Nov-14 16:27:23


I told her 4 or 5 days ago, she was really 'off' with me the following day, and when I pressed her she really let rip. I tried to calm her down, but then ' you would say that wouldn't you'

Well yes I would. Because it's true.

She does suffer from SAD and I think that this may have something to do with her rationality, but I'm buggered off I'm going to wait until spring.

I think you're right, I can't do this for her, it's got to be something she sorts out for herself. In the meantime I suppose the shed could do with a bit of a tidy.

I'm definitely not going to act like the guilty party though.

saintsandpoets Sun 16-Nov-14 16:32:40

I take it that you are the only man she has ever had feelings for, so much a teenager crush over, forever? hmm

EverythingsRunningAway Sun 16-Nov-14 16:37:32

Why does she think she's second best to some ridiculous unrequited teenage crush?

I really wonder how you described it to her to make her feel so bad.

Is she usually really jealous, or did you tell the story in a way that made her sound like a consolation prize?

Sometimes people can go on about their teenage "love" experiences in a way that makes them seem unassailable, rather than the unimportant cliched nonsense they almost certainly were.

Did you refer to her as your "first love" or something mawkish like that?

bothyman Sun 16-Nov-14 16:50:16

S&p I think so.

ERA nothing mawkish, I I related it pretty much as above, maybe played it down even.

BIWI Sun 16-Nov-14 17:17:53

Given that you've been together for 20 years, she is being rather ridiculous, I think.

However, could there be a reason for this? Have you ever given her any reason to doubt you in the past?

bothyman Sun 16-Nov-14 17:54:06


I don't think so. I've never been unfaithful. My life is work, home, family pretty much.

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