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Shall I tell her how I feel, or move on?

(13 Posts)
Huitzilopochtli3 Tue 11-Nov-14 14:12:53

This is my first time even attempting something like this, so I'll try to make it brief!I have a very good Dutch female friend of mine who lives across the Channel in the Netherlands. I've known her for at least 2 years, ever since I was a student over there and she was dating my best friend. We found that we both shared a lot in common, the same music/TV shows/films, and more importantly we could make each other laugh! I've stayed in touch with her ever since, via email and WhatsApp.

When I was last in the Netherlands in April, she invited me to an evening meal with her before I had to travel elsewhere. It was a wonderful night, and I realised just how much I enjoyed being around her. Obviously I'm not 100% certain, but I think she felt the same way about me too, otherwise why invite me? We started flirting on WhatsApp and chatting until 0100/0200 in the morning; if I ever shared a link or posted something on Facebook, she would always comment on them without fail. I think she's 'liked' every status I've posted since we first became friends! And she always questioned me on what I looked for in a girlfriend, and dropped subtle hints on the type of guy she'd like to meet

Sadly for me, she got herself a boyfriend over the summer. I'll be honest and say that I took this hard. I felt so stupid that I'd let her go without telling her how I truly felt. Coupled with the fact that she now has a job, our WhatsApp conversations are few and far between. But two weeks ago, she invited me to stay at her apartment for the upcoming New Years' Eve; the downside is, her boyfriend will most likely be there too!
So I don't know what to do. I have such strong feelings for her, and I want to go to hers on NYE mostly to tell her how I feel. Deep down, I think she still has some feelings for me --> she still likes everything I post on Facebook, and enjoyed that I have a beard now. She says she has a huge crush on bearded guys, and is sad that her boyfriend doesn't have one!
And yet it would supremely awkward if her boyfriend is also in the apartment, if I tell her I love her! So common sense tells me that I should grow up, accept that she is with another man, and move on.

So do I take the plunge and tell her how I feel, or do I accept the situation that she's in and carry on with my life? Does she have feelings for me romantically, or just as a good (male) friend?
It's really tough, so I'd appreciate some answers. Or blunt criticism, I don't mind at all!

MuddyBootsAndPinkCoats Tue 11-Nov-14 21:01:15

Well I think in one sense that ship has sailed. She may well of been hoping with all the late night convos and what have you, that something would have come of it.......

But you know friendships, real ones, are of great value.

No easy answer really. But I don't think you can visit if you're going to be tortured by seeing her with her bf.

manaboutthemaison Sun 16-Nov-14 08:21:43

tell her you can't possibly come, explain the reasons why and await her response. What's so hard about being honest with her ?

Timetoask Sun 16-Nov-14 08:27:19

It is it easy to find people that you connect so well with, I would definitely tell her. You might regret not doing so later in life. Also she may have a boyfriend now after getting fedup of waiting for you to take the plung. On a more practical note, if she reciprocates you, would you consider moving there to be with her? Long distance doesn't work.

Timetoask Sun 16-Nov-14 08:27:41

Sorry! It is NOT easy

Timetoask Sun 16-Nov-14 08:28:39

Plunge!!!

Newbednocurtains Sun 16-Nov-14 08:42:09

Im with manaboutthemaison. You should definitely tell her.

Huitzilopochtli3 Fri 21-Nov-14 21:24:14

Many thanks for your advice, guys!
It's one of those difficult decisions where you just have to go with your gut instinct, even if you risk ruining a long-lasting friendship. I think perhaps the best thing to do is avoid going to hers on NYE, but still have the decency to tell her how much I feel for her.

PanISAButterfly Sun 23-Nov-14 10:04:46

Bit late to this, but isn't this one of those circs. where you already know the answer? Which you've arrived at!!

I'd agree that going over in the current state is a big no no. <worse case could be that you actually like, whilst also hating, new boyfriend>

And yes there's a fare old chance that she got fed up waiting for you. So, yes, telling her is the only option available, and see where the hearts fall. Otherwise your unexpressed feelings could blight any other potential romance you wish.

MadeMan Wed 26-Nov-14 09:31:04

I don't think you've missed the boat, but probably friendship is all it was meant to be.

Going to hers on New Year would likely be a bad idea and leave you hurt; it reminds me of the film 500 Days of Summer.

NewEraNewMindset Wed 26-Nov-14 09:42:27

If she does feel the same what are the chances of you both being able to be together if you are living in different countries? I don't think long distance relationships work generally, particularly not in the early stages where you want to be together every minute of the day.

If logistically the relationship has a chance, ie. you could work over there pretty easily, then yes I would tell her - who knows how serious this boyfriend is. But if the practicalities are so that you really wouldn't get to see each other very often then I would leave it, don't mess with her head. She sounds really happy now and if it's meant to be then down the line some planetary alignment will see you both in the same country working, and you will coincidentally be in the same coffee shop ordering a latte and get presto, before the year is up you'll be engaged and buying a house together grin

MrsEames Wed 26-Nov-14 09:45:00

I would tell her what you have told us and await her response!

PorridgeIsYummy Sun 30-Nov-14 21:29:13

I would tell her your feelings for her very clearly - that way you will know for sure where you stand. If she does not reciprocate, at least you will have killed the hope and will be able to move on. She also lives abroad and you won't have to face the potential embarrassment and heartbreak of seeing her around. If, on the contrary, she feels the same, then how wonderful would that be.

Be brave.

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