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How to approach my other half

(31 Posts)
MrMr123 Mon 27-Oct-14 14:22:19

I recently had a few suspicions that my DP was sending messages to some other fella. I thought this because every time I walked into a room & if she was on the phone, she could not get off quick enough.

It happened again yesterday, so I looked In her inbox (something I have never done before) to my surprise, there was 3 messages from her to a girl, but at the end of one of them it was a fella's name. Each message ended with xxx, there is nothing on there suggesting they meet, however one says, she will be here for you xxx...

I saved the number & rang it this morning & indeed it was a fella.....

Please help & advise the best way to approach this...

Jessbags001 Mon 27-Oct-14 16:35:49

This is tough, and yes it sounds pretty suspicious on the face of it.

My feeling (having been through something similarish with an ex a long time ago) is that at this point your priority needs to be getting your partner to be totally honest with you about what is going on. You need that in order to objectively decide where YOU stand in the whole thing. In order to get her to be honest (in my opinion), you need to make sure that her defences don't go straight up when you first bring it up, however hurt and angry you are (expressing that to her can come later).

Personally, I would calmly explain that you had been feeling anxious that she'd been communicating with other men and did in fact look in her in-box (yes it was the wrong thing to do) but you saw x,y,z. Is she unhappy? Is there something she needs to tell you? Something you've been missing? And tell her that you are feeling upset about it, but that primarily you want to listen to her. Then see what she says...

I really hope for you that this is one of those things that isn't as bad as it first seems.

Oakandtheash Mon 27-Oct-14 17:28:02

The problem is that when a partner is having an affair they tend not to be honest about it when confronted.

There are often tell tale signs though. Furtive telephone convos that end suddenly when you enter the room. A sudden improvement in their grooming. New under wear that you never actually see them wearing. Their inexplicable increase in annoyance at you and things you do.

General things that don't add up but you yourself make excuses for etc etc.

But you seem to have come across some dubious stuff.

The choice is I guess either confronting them which you'd hope garners an honest reply, or playing dumb whilst monitoring the situation.

I have a friend who's wife set up ( or her lover did ) all sorts of secret email accounts, secret meetings in work hours, lots of new lingerie that she never wore for him, the furtive telephone calls etc,

Whenever he confronted her she'd scream at him that he was mad until he did really start to doubt himself.

Personally. If it was me, I'd just act normal and keep a very close eye on things. People having affairs tend to get careless. Less so if they know their partner is becoming suspicious.

Oakandtheash Mon 27-Oct-14 17:28:53

Are you married ? Kids ?

Jessbags001 Mon 27-Oct-14 18:01:12

Oakandtheash I do think you're right, and I've been there with a spouse setting up the secret email accounts etc. The temptation is certainly to monitor the situation for a long time and gather a portfolio of evidence.

I guess my reservation with what you say is that if the relationship stands a chance it needs honesty from both sides. Yes, she may lie and cover her tracks, but it'll probably be obvious that she's not being open. If you snoop in order to work out the truth, the relationship is up to it's eyeballs in deceit and is probably doomed to fail. There doesn't seem to be much to be gained from that scenario (as you already have enough 'evidence') and it won't make you happy.

Giving her that chance to be honest, in my opinion, is the only oppurtunity to get everything into the light and start afresh. Of course it's up to her whether to take that chance, but she can't if it's not offered.

(By the way, I'm not saying that I think any any of this is THE answer, just what I would do myself.)

Oakandtheash Mon 27-Oct-14 22:28:05

No I agree. It's difficult to know the right way forwards, but as a kind of 'life rule' I'd certainly agree that honesty and communication are hugely important.

My opinion though is tainted by watching a couple of married friends go through an awful situation.

OP if you're still around, what are your thoughts ? Are there any other things that are ringing alarm bells ?

BoneyBackJefferson Tue 28-Oct-14 19:22:09

Interesting that on dadsnet going on someone's emails or phone is frowned upon where on the main site following your gut and doing this is actively encouraged by some posters.

Jessbags001 Wed 29-Oct-14 18:11:23

Oh gosh BoneyBack, I can assure you it wasn't intended in a 'different standards for men versus women' kind of a way. I'd say the same to anyone who's partner was doing something questionable.

OP - I hope you didn't have the same thought and that's the reason for your silence. Hope you're ok out there, whatever is going on don't lose heart. This is something you can survive and bounce back from, however rubbish it feels now.

Happy36 Wed 29-Oct-14 18:19:41

Sorry to hear this. I hope whatever happens ends up with both of you being happy, whether together or not. Good luck with whatever you resolve to do.

OakAndTheAsh Wed 29-Oct-14 18:47:59

I've got to admit I checked my XPs phone before we split. But I did it because of a number of massive alarm bells. One of which was a friend of XP saying 'oh so how is XP, haven't seen her for a while' , the day after XP supposedly went out with her.

Looking at her phone messages revealed the ugly truth then and a month later after assurances it had all stopped.

Childrenofthestones Thu 30-Oct-14 14:05:35

Monitor is the way to go OP, but be careful not to let it get you twisted and kill any affection you holdfor her as the evidence mounts.
Remember also, other things can be going on if your suspisions are right.
A friend of mine had sus. pisions which he voiced. She flatly denighed it and hit back with an accusation of him not showing commitment.
On the back of this his gf talked him into joint accounts and to take over a large loan she had on her car . Only later did he realise that all the time, she was planning to leave him.
She emptied his bank acc the day after he was paid and over drew him to the maximum on top. He came home to find that she and the other guy had taken practically everything not screwed down in his house and done a bunk. It turned out that he was the second sap that she had done this to.
Im not saying this is happening to you, just be aware that more can be going on than you see.
Good luck.

Childrenofthestones Fri 31-Oct-14 22:04:30

Monitor is the way to go OP, but be careful not to let it get you twisted and kill any affection you holdfor her as the evidence mounts.
Remember also, other things can be going on if your suspisions are right.
A friend of mine had sus. pisions which he voiced. She flatly denighed it and hit back with an accusation of him not showing commitment.
On the back of this his gf talked him into joint accounts and to take over a large loan she had on her car . Only later did he realise that all the time, she was planning to leave him.
She emptied his bank acc the day after he was paid and over drew him to the maximum on top. He came home to find that she and the other guy had taken practically everything not screwed down in his house and done a bunk. It turned out that he was the second sap that she had done this to.
Im not saying this is happening to you, just be aware that more can be going on than you see.
Good luck.

OliviaBlue Tue 04-Nov-14 01:00:04

If my husband did this, I'd beat his ass. Maybe she's just emotionally helping some guy, but isn't that a form of betrayal as well? Especially if it's just some guy from the internet. I'd call her on it and give her an ultimatum.

MrMr123 Wed 12-Nov-14 22:47:58

Thank you all for your advise....

To answer your wnt oak, we are not married, however we have been together for 11 years & my DP children live with us.

To give you an up date, I asked DP why she had a fellas number hidden under a girls name, she said it's because I would giver her a hard time if I new she was messaging a brother of an ex boyfriend... Am I being paranoid by feeling there is something going on or should I just trust that she's saying there only friends.

She said she will stop if I wanted her to, but if she knows how it makes me feel, wouldn't she want to stop. Or should I just get over myself...

Jessbags001 Thu 13-Nov-14 11:26:01

MrMr123 you're not paranoid to worry about something going on as it does sound suspicious. That's not to say there IS something going on, but it is in the very least pretty inconsiderate to your feelings and deserves more of an explanation. Surely if it needed covering up from you it was never a good thing to do for your relationship in the first place...

What does she say she's messaging him FOR? Have they always been in touch like this? If it's a recent thing then it begs the question, why? Maybe they are just friends but I'd say you need more information before you can feel comfortable with that. If something feels iffy don't just put it to the back of your mind. Your concerns can be valid and need addressing without it having to be about you not trusting her.

MuddyBootsAndPinkCoats Thu 13-Nov-14 15:18:41

Brother of an ex boyfriend!? From 11+ years ago who she's not mentioned but is 'there for him' .... Signed off with 'xxx'.

I think there are some red flags popping up here.

Honesty is a tricky one because no body who's playing away from home is ever ( or rarely ) going to come clean when confronted. Especially if there's a lot to loose.

And one the most distressing things in these situations is when you just know something's wrong, but your partner is telling you different.

I'd be watching for other signs. A new interest in appearance, phone calls that end abruptly when you enter the room, new underwear , small things that don't quite add up, becoming more critical of you and things you do.

The other thing I guess is the state of your relationship. If it's all fine it lessens the chance something's going on a vis-a-versa.

At this point, given you've asked about the number you have to ask yourself if you're satisfied with the answer.

If you're not, and other stuff is troubling you then I think you just play dumb, watch like a hawk and wait for the inevitable mistakes.

Which is horrible I know.

MrMr123 Fri 14-Nov-14 15:12:43

I spoke to my DP again about it & told Her it makes me feel uncomfortable, not that she is speaking to him, but the fact it's done in secret.

I since found out that this fella lives nearly 200 miles away. So it would be difficult to pop out & meet for a coffee.... However, to keep it all a secret when she talks to him, well that's what kills me. In fact, we were sat next to each other & she switched her phone on & there was ani unread message from him, my DP did not think Id seen it, but I had. I never said anything as I believe I have to trust what she's saying. The next day, I asked if she had been speaking to the fella, she looked at me & said.. NO, I haven't spoken to him in ages.. She basically lied straight to me...

Some more help on this would really be appreciated, as I really believe what she's saying, but why would she keep hiding it. Ok, I'm not happy about her talking to him, but I have to get on with it, I would prefer she messaged him in front of me & not in secret.

BobbyDarin Fri 14-Nov-14 17:11:50

She's lied to you twice. At least twice. You can't trust a word she says. There's not much more to it than that. It's not as though this is just going to go away and you'll be able to forget all about it. This will gnaw away at you and you'll start treating her differently and that will contribute to the relationship breaking down.

You have a choice to continue as things are and risk that it will end up with her telling you that it's over when it suits her, or for you to make that decision yourself.

The rest of it is figuring out what you want to happen afterwards. I can't tell if the kids are yours or not and whether or not you'd want custody or access, who earns most in the relationship and what shared assets you might have. But you've tried to do something already to fix the situation and she's not playing. Certainly you need to think about how life afterwards might work. Talk to a good friend about it, or a relative.

MrMr123 Fri 14-Nov-14 18:08:00

Thanks for that BobbyDarin..

You are right, it's eating away at me... I've decided to confront her again & ask why she is so secretive about it.

I'll let you all know the out come..

Jessbags001 Fri 14-Nov-14 19:06:54

The continued lying after being confronted really doesn't look good. You've given her an opportunity to come clean and be totally open. To start afresh. She hasn't taken it. It makes it hard to believe the 'just friendly texts which she covered up in case you got the wrong end of the stick' story.

The being lied to is the worst and it screws with your head. Of course you want to trust her, she's your partner. I'm not sure that you can now...
You said the fella lives 200miles away. Can I ask how you know this?

Ultimately this is a difficult one. It's not like you KNOW she's cheated, but as bobby said, this kind of thing will gnaw away at the relationship even if she hasn't. It needs resolving one way or another. Accepting what she's said so far hasn't satisfied you and therefore won't ever make you properly happy.

There are basically 4 scenarios here (that I can think of, please add more if you can think of them):

1. She was doing something relatively harmless (i.e. not cheating/flirting). She stupidly hid it from you but now it's all in the open and everything is ok. (This option is now eliminated I think)

2. She was doing something relatively harmless (i.e. not cheating/flirting) and is continuing to lie about it because she thinks you'll make her give it up and she doesn't (despite saying she would) want to do that for whatever reason.

3. She is cheating/flirting with this guy by text only, and hiding it from you.

4. She is cheating/flirting with this guy whilst meeting up, and hiding it from you.

The 3rd and 4th options can come in varying degrees of severity, but are all a major betrayal (IMO).I'd consider if you can live comfortably with any of them. If the answer is yes, then think about what steps you and your partner could take to rectify the relationship and trust (bearing in mind she may not want to). If the answer is no, or she is not prepared to do anything to fix things, then I would seriously think about going it alone.

Be careful taking advice here though; none of us are living your situation and only have the words on the screen to go on. As someone once said to me, listen with open ears to all advice, choose very carefully which to act on. I feel for you though, it's a really tough situation with the kids involved. Why do people need to sneak around and lie, it's just not fair eh :-(

MuddyBootsAndPinkCoats Fri 14-Nov-14 21:52:42

What bobby said. Yep.

Mate, all the signs are there. She can't get off the phone quick enough when you enter the room, secret emails that are addressed to a woman but really to a man, signed of with kisses, denial, text messages....

Do you really know he lives 200 miles away ? Does your DP talk about him at all ?

Sorry.

Nothing is ever certain ( which is often the problem in these situations ) but if a friend of mine described what you have I'd tell them the same. It doesn't look great.

Close friend of mine had all the same situations and more. Almost drove him nuts because he hung in there, he wanted to believe her, and of course his DW denied everything. But it was all still going on. And the problem being he needed, for his own sanity some sort of concrete evidence. Which is hard to come by.

He was a SAHD and it was a classic reversal of all the stereotypes. She was a dynamic business woman off on business trips, and he sort of turned into a knackered frumpy dad. Nicest most honourable bloke I know.

I'm rambling.... The point is you seem to be looking for an answer. A resolution. I hope you've had a positive talk with her I really do... But if it wasn't and there was just outright denial that anything is amiss ... Well that's clearly not the case based on your posts. Something is going on.

My friend I mentioned, cracked all his wife's passwords for her numerous secret email accounts. I confirmed infidelity by seeing emails and texts I wasn't supposed to.

MrMr123 Fri 14-Nov-14 21:55:45

Thanks jessbags001..

Well, I've just spoken to my DP & wow can't belive what happened. Tried to explain how it makes me feel when I leave the room or house & she's straight on whatsapp.. I told her I really trust you & you should feel that you can message who ever you want & if it's a fella, not wait until I'm out the room.

She admits that hiding a guys number under a girls name was out of order, she did it because she thought I would kick off if I saw she was speaking to a fella.

The way it is now is, she has gone to bed saying that I have spoilt our relationship, she's chucked phone at me & said she will get her own. She has made me feel that I cannot approach her now & speak about anything... She really doesn't understand that this was really hurting me & that I would prefer her to message anyone in front of me , just don't be secretive.

What now.. Who knows....

MrMr123 Fri 14-Nov-14 22:57:32

OMG its now even worse... My DP thinks we need a break, I'm a firm believer that if you have a break, then nothing is the same afterwards..

I'm starting to wish I never said anything.

Jessbags001 Fri 14-Nov-14 23:05:39

Oh no, so sorry to hear that. If she can decide you need a break over you calling her about secretively texting another guy, I'm not sure that you not saying anything would have changed much...

suspiciousandsad Fri 14-Nov-14 23:22:57

So it's YOUR fault she has to hide a man's number and texts him in secret? Because YOU will kick off. And it is YOUR fault that she needs you to have a break.

She sounds quite manipulative.

I could have written your OP (and subsequent ones). DH has been texting a woman he had saved under a mans name(she also has a partner). They text first thing in the morning and last thing at night. I texted her and asked her what was going on.

My DH has been doing this for years. He is a narcissist, needs the thrill of the chase and can't do a mature relationship. He also turns it round, makes it my fault and messes with my head. Sounds like her behaviour is similar.

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