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Male perspective please - lack of sex.

(47 Posts)
HappyGoLuckyGirl Fri 17-Jan-14 15:46:42

Not going to name change as I haven't got anything to be ashamed about.

To put it bluntly, I feel that me and my partner don't have sex enough.

I wouldn't say I'm a sex maniac or anything but I could very easily have sex every one or two days, whereas my partner would be satisfied with once a month!

We've had many an argument over this. I try to talk rationally about it but then it just decends into shouting for us both.

He says he just doesn't want sex that often. But here's the crux...

He's been on dating sites and messaging women on Facebook, in the past, roughly 6 months ago (our DS had just been born angry ).

I read the messages he was sending women and they were all extremely sexual in nature, very explicit and graphic. He also had a lot of porn on his phone and had no problem sorting himself out.

We've worked and are still working through it. It's got a lot better and I believe him when he says he hasn't done it again. He hands his phone over if I ever ask for it and doesn't take it to the bathroom, etc. Things are a lot better.

Yet we still have this problem. It's always me instigating, most of the time he refuses and when we do have sex I wonder if it's only to keep me happy or shut me up.

I'm hoping that you can give me some advice as to how I can handle this and try and get to the middle somewhere.

Have any of you ever been in this situation before? Was there a reason you felt this way? Is there something I can do to help get his sex drive up?

Just for info - we've just had our first born who is a dream of a baby. He's 6mo and goes 12 hours at night. I'm about a stone heavier than I was when we met but still largely the same shape. He gives me compliments all the time and is affectionate.

Sorry if that was garbled. If you need any clarification, just ask. smile

Coolforcatz Wed 22-Jan-14 17:01:04

You come across as being quite young OP, how old are you and your partner?

If his libido was low before I don't see it changing, would he consider having his testosterone levels checked? Otherwise, as you probably know, exercise, diet, smoking and alcohol can all affect libido.

LauraBridges Wed 22-Jan-14 18:13:32

It may be that he just doesn't have a very high sex drive. Try lokoing at porn together or buying more sex toys and sexy underwear and that kind of thing. My idea of not having sex but being intimate every night is what sex therapists use. You can do everything you like but penetration and orgasm which takes the pressure off but the denial of the orgasm whilst being very aroused tends to make most people feel very sexy and can help.

If he had got obese which is why I asked sex drive lowers. If you put on a stone which is hardly anything in the context of being in the phase of having babies I doubt that's a problem although no harm in losing it.

You could also do more masturbation yourself which can be quite fun and doesn't have to involve him.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 22-Jan-14 18:42:52

Cool - I'm 22 and my partner is 25. I have a relatively good diet, I'm on slimming world so eat lots of fruit and veg whilst limiting 'bad' foods. My DP used to smoke, he's been on a vapour cig for about a year now with the occasional cigarette. His diet is shocking! He's an extremely fussy eater, will not tolerate any fruit or veg. Would live off sweet tea and cereal if he could. hmm We both drink on occasion and don't binge.

Laura - I didn't think of the weight like that, apologies for snapping at you. I am in the process of gettig back into shape, with slimming world. More for myself though, as I want to fit in all my old, nice, clothes!

I do masturbate on occasion. More to try and curb my frustration than anything. I've always preferred penetrative sex for some reason, even before I got with DP.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 22-Jan-14 18:43:47

I'm definitely going to ask if he will be open to getting his testosterone checked. How to bring that gem up... confused

Coolforcatz Wed 22-Jan-14 19:28:50

At 25 he should be willing and able to get it up a lot more, I know that's stereotyping but it's true. There must be some physical or psychological issue.

As harsh as it sounds if he isn't willing or able to communicate with you on an intimate level then that alone would be the deal breaker for me, regardless of the fact he couldn't get it up. There's ways and means around it if he was willing.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Wed 22-Jan-14 19:55:10

It's not a physical issue as when we do have sex, it's great.

I think it's psychological. He was severely bullied as a child and young adult, physically and emotionally. I know it has done some serious damage to his confidence and the way he views himself, both physically and as a person.

I'm going to suggest a calm and civil talk, away from the bedroom and not when sex is on my brain! I think getting his testosterone checked and some counselling for him is probably the way forward. If it's not one, it's the other.

And if it's neither then I'm fucked. grin

LauraBridges Fri 24-Jan-14 13:16:48

.. or not fucked....

HappyGoLuckyGirl Fri 24-Jan-14 18:12:24

grin well, yes.

Blondie1969 Tue 28-Jan-14 21:52:05

what about things other than sex?

Do you hold hands, kiss, cuddle when sitting next to each on the sofa, stroke his hair, him stroke yours.

have you had more partners than him (that he knows of) and perhaps he feels intimidated?

Do you know what he wants from sex and does he know what you want? ie do you want lots of foreplay and you don;t get that. Does he want you tell him how much you've been looking forward to him taking you. My marriage of 15 years ended 18 months ago and for the last couple of years the sex was non existent. Now for me i was embarrassed to bring up why my ex did not want to sleep with me (perhaps i was scared that she was going to say she had fallen out of love - which it turns out she had :-) ). Now i'm not saying he's fallen out of love but perhaps he does not feel confident. You watch the pron films and the women are moaning and seem to have orgasm after orgasm and seem to know exactly when to change position. It can be intimidating. me and ex could not communicate in the way i believe i can now.

With regards to being a stone over weight. If hes that shallow then youve got a problem. Thats not to say in recognise what you mean about you wanting to slim down to get back into your old clothes. But if you don't I can't see that being a deal breaker.

If hes not willing to talk then you can't make him but there are subtle ways to perhaps help him change his mind that sex more often may be good.

ie let him massage you and tell him how destressed and wonderful you feel (that could be simple head or foot massage) BUT NO SEX.

recapture the feeling of each others body by touch and the tingly sensations it brings.

It could me medical or pysicological with regards to him having a lower sex drive.

Good luck

Troglodad Thu 27-Feb-14 11:36:44

Wow, mat069 that's pretty brutally honest mate.

I've got to say, mat here is being the guy who actually tells you the dress you're trying on looks crap so you can choose another one, as opposed to the one who says everything looks fabulous and lets you walk down the street looking like a circus tent.

Also, I think the counselling/testosterone test thing is bad for several reasons.

Firstly its powerful deterrent effect in terms of getting your husband hot for you - especially since one of the things that can put a man off his woman in the long term is being put down, disrespected and generally being knocked by her either explicitly or implicitly. This is massively off-putting, especially if you feel like it's someone who has no right to be looking down on you. If this were the problem, "Are you bollockless or mental" might be the wrong diplomatic angle to come at it from.

Secondly, he is plainly not lacking desire for women, just you, and he plainly fancied you before, so you know... you might be over-thinking things.

Thirdly, it mirrors the comedy medallion man who assumes a woman must be a lesbian or mad if she does not desire him. :P

Troglodad Thu 27-Feb-14 11:39:40

Another thing - child birth can be quite shocking, he may be worried about hurting you either in the short term, or psychologically put off putting you through that again.

JsyDad Sun 27-Apr-14 10:25:53

I'm new on here as I was looking for a forum for Dads to ask stuff and there seems to be a lack of Dad forums!

Anyhow I'm in the same place but with my missus and its been over a year and a half with no sign of changing.

It started of as my fault as I didn't show her enough affection, I may do my own post as I dont wanna hijack yours!

However I feel I have done everything I can to be a better partner and Dad to our 2 daughters, I'm on Prozac and saw a therapist for most of last year, but nothing has changed and as I said it doesn't look like it will any time soon.

I'm giving it till September, will have been 2 years then, and will have to make a serious choice if things haven't changed.

You may have to do the same.

Do you try and openly suggest to him sex, remember us men can be pretty crap at picking up subtle hints, or flirt with him in such a way that its pretty damn obvious what you want?

I don't remember my partner ever trying to intiate (sp?) intimate time together aside from when we were trying for our children, and even then it was more a "get on with it"!

Also not that I want to worry you but I went off sex with my previous GF as a way of distancing myself from her and to try and get her to dump me rather then the other way round. As you can imagine that thought has plagued me in my current relationship!

TheDoctrineOfSnatch Sun 27-Apr-14 21:24:13

Jsy, you may want to post in Relationships,

MojoRising Mon 28-Apr-14 13:58:37

You have your head firmly attached (thought i'd give "screwed on" a miss for obvious reasons) for 22!

One thing i have found is relationships go through episodes, if all over aspects work then often better can be the enemy of good, and the rewards of hanging in till it gets better are even greater.

This episode featuring your flagging sex life is as much a learning curve as your pending potty training. it's an unknown ground you need to get through. there are some great suggestions in this thread and trying them will round you as a person. if it turns out he isn't the one to keep then you walk away in a place better to fix a similar problem next time, yes there will be one. if the outcome is better then you have a stronger more open relationship in which your child will benefit (skills they will also need in life)

I only posted because i feel for you, usually i browse info on shit where google fails me.
You are clearly feeling very rejected and the resulting anger could very well change your life significantly.
I don't know enough about your set up but before you end it i'd advise explaining exactly how you feel, how it makes your feel and ask your partner what she wants out of it.

I explained to mine the "always tired" and "not in the mood" felt like rejection, i asked for advice and guidance, i created space and time. nothing changed! but i am happy now i have made every effort and I understand why i feel like i do. makes the subject of sex less loaded wich is key as it's supposed to be a relaxed affair - a de-stresser even

Dowser Tue 23-Sep-14 12:09:23

Have you thought about going to relate. After some general counselling to see if you do really both want to stay in this relationship you could be offered/ ask for sex therapy.

I worked as a relate counsellor in the 90s and if it's causing a problem now it's going to be a bigger one down the line.

Same with mr pinball. When one is doing all the compromising then the relationship is out of balance.

Sex is a big part of a relationship. Most people go into a relationship expecting to have sex with the other partner. If that's not on the cards it should be said upfront at the beginning so the other one can make a choice.

Size doesnt come into it. If you truly love someone when you are between the sheets a bit of extra timber here and there should make any difference.

Extra Weight leading to health issues is a different ball game altogether .

Op and mr pinball I feel for you. We all need our positive strokes. Somehow I don't see your relationships making it to the finishing post and that's sad for everyone concerned.

Sex or love making to give it it's now old fashioned name is the only activity where you give one other person permission to enter your special and private space. Why would anyone want to deny themselves that special treat. Especially if you profess to love your partner. That's the question I would be asking.

We all deserve to love and be loved.

timelord1912 Fri 06-Feb-15 12:19:34

my partner and I used to have alot of sex but ever since finding out that i cant have kids due to infertility she doesn't want it anymore, i try and be as romantic as i can but she always uses excuses for not wanting it

JimmyChoosChimichanga Sat 07-Feb-15 18:57:21

The getting a hormone level test is pointless if he is masturbating surely? He is knocking as many out as any other bloke, just not with his DP.
What you do about it depends on the rest I suppose. If he is a stellar bloke in other respects etc. He sounds dismissive of your needs though and that isn't great. I would feel as rejected as hell in your shoes and he knows this but declines to address it so maybe you have to accept that your fundamental needs are incompatible and leave. I was you in a previous relationship and it was corrosive as hell as I felt worthless. We separated as I had a good look at my life one day and didn't like what I saw. My now DH and I are much more in synch. I wish I had left my years before I did.

NormalGuy Wed 11-Mar-15 15:33:46

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NormalGuy Wed 11-Mar-15 15:37:06

Please ignore my post above, I meant to start a thread on it's own.

Skywalker7 Sun 29-Mar-15 20:25:07

Your relationship will change when you have children as your both stressed and probably a bit less patient and a lot of the fun does go as you both want to get jobs done.

It's a bit of a stereotype that all men think about sex all the time. Some do, some don't. It would be like saying women love cats or shopping for handbags!

However I can't explain why your DH would be sending saucy messages to other women. It might be escapism if he is stressed at home and can't cope with the change in how your communicating, but I can understand how that is hurtful for you. Try and talk to him to find out if he is unhappy with you, and what is going wrong with your relationship.

sticklebrickstickle Sun 29-Mar-15 20:39:12

How often is he masturbating? That could be part of the problem, if he is taking the quick and easy route of masturbation whenever he feels supposed then he is going to be less likely to want sex when you initiate it or to initiate it himself.

Many men (and women) masturbate frequently even when in a relationship because it is easy and offers instant gratification. Having sex, whilst more pleasurable, is also more effort. It's a bit like if every time you were hungry you just reached for the nearest, easiest to eat food even though you knew it wouldn't be as tasty as home cooking something. You think 'I'll eat this now then make myself something tasty later' but then you're not hungry later so don't bother.

If your partner is masturbating frequently then this could be why his sex drive is low. I'd have a discussion with him and see if he can try and hold of masturbation whenever he gets aroused and instead wait uNeil you can share sex together.

HappyGoLuckyGirl Sun 29-Mar-15 22:24:52

Sorry guys - this is really old thread!

Me and exP have been split for over a year now. We just never worked it out and his use of dating sites/sexting other women/lack of sex was just too much for me to push on with.

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