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Son keeps assaulting daughter

(15 Posts)
siccy17 Sat 11-Jan-14 20:06:05

I am aware that it is perfectly normal for siblings to fight, and for the first born to be jealous of the second born and so on. But I am at my wits end trying to stop my nearly 4 year old son from constantly battering my 18 month old daughter. He doesn't seem to be able to stop himself. Tonight he pushed her off the side of an armchair. It could have been extremely dangerous. I'm genuinely worried that he will do something like pushing her down the stairs. I don't want to hit him (I have never hit either of my children as I was constantly hit as a child and all it did was make me resent my parents) but I don't know what else to do. We've tried everything, from the naughty step, putting him in his room, banning him from watching TV/using the computer, and so on, but nothing stops him. Please, if anyone has had a similar situation and tried something that worked can you let me know. Otherwise I'm afraid that the next time he does it I'm just going to belt him!

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sat 11-Jan-14 20:11:29

I'm not a dad so I hope you don't mind me replying. smile

I think your first instinct not to hit your son is absolutely the right one. I also think you are probably right that he is jealous of your DD.

I wonder if he would benefit from some one on one time with you or your DP. Have you read about love bombing?

DesperatelySeekingSanity Sat 11-Jan-14 20:14:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CookieLady Sat 11-Jan-14 20:19:39

At the moment he's being told off, etc., and probably associates it not with his actions but instead his sister. So the resentment increases as does him 'punishing' her. I know it's difficult focus on the positive things he does with her and go town with praising him for those moments. It'll help shift the focus away from negative behaviour to reinforcing positive behaviour.

I second the advice of being given one to one time.

ForTheLoveOfSocks Sat 11-Jan-14 20:27:47

Whatever you do, don't ever normalise his behaviour or accept it.

I was in the same position as your DD. My so called brother is 6 years older and my parents thought it was just normal sibling rivalry sad

If it got serious, my dad would punish him, usually by hitting him or grounding him. But it never stopped it, so I think you are right in not smacking him.

Personally if I were you I would look at seeking professional advice.

ForTheLoveOfSocks Sat 11-Jan-14 20:30:23

Desperatly but why should she have to suffer this? I don't agree assault is an adult only concept.

However my brother did continue assaulting me into adulthood. The last time he was 22 and I was 16

CocktailQueen Sat 11-Jan-14 20:34:38

Fortheloveofsocks - I'm so sorry to hear about your experience, this I think Desperately is right here when she says he isn't assaulting her - most siblings are violent towards each other as children, at least occasionally and usually - in my experience - as play fighting, nothing more serious. The vast majority grow out of it long before adulthood, and it does not usually denote a serious personality problem!

Reincarnatedpig Sat 11-Jan-14 20:39:38

Can you and his mum set aside some one to one time for each of you and just him daily if possible ? And he decides what you do/play. Ie not you reading to him etc. "special time".

We used to do this as advised in speech therapy and it really improved my relationship with my elder child who really resented her younger sister.

ForTheLoveOfSocks Sat 11-Jan-14 20:47:35

Thanks Cocktail. Yes I do think he has a massive personality disorder and some mental health issues, but that's a whole new thread.

I don't think occasional lashing out is assault, but when it's continual it's more serious.

DesperatelySeekingSanity Sat 11-Jan-14 20:47:42

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AndIFeedEmGunpowder Sat 11-Jan-14 20:48:02

Socks I'm sorry about your experience too. sad Your brother being violent towards you definitely sounds like assault.

There is a much smaller age gap between OP's children though and would imagine a 4 year old behaving this way, while still worrying, is less serious (and hopefully easier to remedy) than a teenager or even a 7 or 8 year old behaving in this way.

anxiousnow Wed 15-Jan-14 22:18:27

Hi OP, sorry you are experiencing this at the moment. I've tried to make some suggestions, I hope they are relevant.

I wonder if your daughter's age is adding to this. She is now probably more mobile and more vocal. She can now smash down his tower or rip his prize comic. Does he have any of his own space, a special shelf, or magic treasure chest where he can keep things 'especially for big boys'?

Is there anything you can encourage your DS to teach DD? I always found that helped. Showing him that he has the power to teach and amaze his little sister.

I have DSs and my youngest is a girl and I try to encourage them to protect their little sister, but it doesn't always work and they do bash her at times, but she's a strongen wink

Good luck.

TheMaw Wed 26-Feb-14 21:55:20

Is it just his sister or does he do it to other children too?

innisglas Fri 07-Mar-14 00:33:01

I think accentuate the positive, keep her safe and also tell her off if she deliberately bothers him.

My daughter was awful to a boy of the same age who was staying with us and the more I punished her the worse she behaved, it was like she blamed him for her getting into trouble.

innisglas Fri 07-Mar-14 00:52:07

I think accentuate the positive, keep her safe and also tell her off if she deliberately bothers him.

My daughter was awful to a boy of the same age who was staying with us and the more I punished her the worse she behaved, it was like she blamed him for her getting into trouble.

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