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help please - need a male perspective - what is going on with my DH

(58 Posts)
thatlldonicely Sat 28-Dec-13 12:35:25

hi - i have been posting in relationships but thought a male perspective may help - i'll try & keep this brief - 2 days before xmas dh told me he wasnt sure what he felt for me anymore and had been feeling this way for at least a year - completely shattered my world - came about after a week without kids and me feeling as though i was being ignored again - he admitted he had been avoiding the issue and deliberately trying to keep the peace to avoid any conflict in the past as didnt want to tell me what he was feeling -and said he was hoping it would go away. His mum died in July after being ill for 2 months - he was very close to her but did say that he had been doubting his feelings before this. He has said he is not depressed although runs his own business which is stressful. Our sex life is non existent mainly due to me being on ADs but i thought we were both ok with this - we also went through extensive fertility treatment resulting in twins - one of whom will not sleep on his own - which means we are now in seperate rooms. He has said he will go for counselling after xmas. After spending 2 days doing a lot of talking we now seem to be communicating but not actually talking about "us". I am trying to give him space but it is doing my head in - i originally wanted him to leave but managed to get through xmas day for the kids and his dad who was with us but now that the initial drama is over i am concerned what will happen next. normally this time of year we would be planning what we would be doing next year but obviously arent. He appears to be functioning fairly normally whereas I cannot get out of my head what is going on. is he having a mid life crisis or am i just trying to cling on to something that is over - any advice greatly appreciated

KlausDupont Sat 08-Feb-14 20:40:35

Unless he happens to have zero sex drive too, if you are not having sex with your man he will feel angry, upset, unloved, unwanted, like a piece of rubbish. He may not show it, but that's how he'll feel. He won't be 'okay with it'. Not one bit.

When my wife stopped having sex with me this was how I felt. I'd made a vow to forsake all others so where was I going to find intimacy and affection? Unless you have mutually agreed celibacy, providing no sex and no chance of getting it put back on the menu, putting it frankly, means you've checked out of the marriage in my opinion.

I never wanted little more than a grumpy housemate from marriage that felt comfortable making all sorts of demands without giving an inch in return. But this is all I had.

Seems your husband is doing the honourable thing by floating the idea of a separation. It's either that or find intimacy by being a 'cheater'.

MannishBoy Wed 05-Feb-14 14:30:40

Caruthers, clearly you have a better grasp of the issue than anyone else so far. Well done.

Pan Mon 27-Jan-14 20:15:13

Did I just hear your knuckles dragging along the floor there caruthers?

thatlldonicely Mon 27-Jan-14 18:54:35

it takes 2 to make a relationship work

caruthers Mon 27-Jan-14 00:22:10

So you didn't have sex with him and now he's lost his home.

He's just got the full house on relationships game of bingo.

thatlldonicely Fri 24-Jan-14 22:08:08

i made him go - tonight - funnily enough ive lost over a stone since xmas - hes been lying to me - making out he didnt know what he wanted but all the time talking to other people - he knew what he wanted just didnt have the guts to do anything about it

mat690 Wed 22-Jan-14 14:59:13

No idea if this thread is still active but I am going through something almost identical and I will tell you the male perspective with out any sugar coating.

Firstly you don't have sex with him and you don't even sleep together and I would suggest to you that it is incredibly selfish for you expect your husband to be celibate.

So he's probably thinking what does he actually get out of the marriage for all the work he puts in and now that he is more established as a man he probably thinks he can do a lot better now than what he settled for with you all those years ago.

That is a very selfish way of thinking, probably triggered by the lack of sex, if you are over weight that probably doesn't help either, so he is feeling incredibly guilty about it, Even if he doesn't love you he will still have feelings for you and really doesn't want to hurt you or the children. He is also probably afraid of losing his kids as well.

So he is not a child that cannot make up its mind, he is being torn apart by these competing desires, but i understand this leaves you in an awkward position.

Depending on what you want to happen there are a number of things you can do.

1)Guilt, shame and threaten him into staying with you, he will never be happy but you will get what you want.

2)Fight for him and your marriage, go down the gym, be sexy, make him feel wanted and desired.

3)Let him have a fling, as long as he is discreet you can turn a blind eye to it and he will get what he needs from it. In all likelihood he is just looking for an ego boost.

4)Leave him.

The1stTimeEverISawYourPan Thu 09-Jan-14 23:48:19

is this 5th person connected in anyway to your dh? You didn't specify so I didn't ask.

The1stTimeEverISawYourPan Thu 09-Jan-14 19:00:22

Yes, it will hopefully be a step toward 'sorting things out', and the end of things as they are. Which is surely what you want? It's cruel to yourself to go on as you (collectively) have with a plain lack of honesty and a deception over recent times. THAT is not a healthy relationship to be having. Would you actively choose to live like that?

'Finishing things' is not the end of the world by any means. You can be fearful of it, yes, as it is a potentially scary prospect and it means unbidden changes, BUT it brings opportunities too, and people often forget that in their sorrows. Ideally he should be out of the house prior to counselling - is there any movement there? I ask as your concerns about him just dragging stuff out with absolutely no cost to himself whatsoever remain, and become more evident. From what you say so far, his life hasn't altered one iota whilst yours is being compromised. The cruel selfishness continues.
DF - did he call? You have no way of knowing what he may say. Perhaps he has spoken to his partner and she has replied "You said WHAT?? You eejit."

Those books? Why are you reading them, and putting further pressure on yourself? (obv with no idea what they are.) You demonstrate a firm grasp of what is happening and how you feel about things and what your decisions should be, and for me I'd be dubious about the value-added of stacking up on books. You have all the necessary tools at your disposal already. Using them is where there is a hold up, I'd suggest. Again, rely on your own resources and resilience. Make your decisions and stick to them.

I'm not sure about the 4/5 people. As anyone would say, focus on the benefit of the other 4. Place the 5th one in a mental drawer labelled " Unexplained phenomenon which may become clearer over time." That would otherwise pointlessly drain you.

thatlldonicely Thu 09-Jan-14 17:40:05

not had a good day today - felt particularly down - DH has organised to see a counsellor next week and whilst yesterday i felt that this may be a step to sorting things out today it dawned on me that this could be a step closer to finnishing things. also thought my DF may have phoned but i guess if you think you are right theres no reason why you would want to say sorry - so now i am also questioning the relationship i thought i had with him to what exactly i do have. yes that book is fiction but does cover some of the different personality types and how some people give you energy & others drain you and also how you think you are going down one path & it turns out to be completely different. i now have a pile of books to read but have not felt up to what they may reveal. I have another question for you - if you meet a group of people for the first time and 4 out of 5 seem pleased to meet you and want to talk to you but one doesnt and you get the feeling for some reason that they may not like you - what is this and is it in anyway reliable?

Pan Wed 08-Jan-14 18:37:54

Celestine Prophecy? No, I recall it as a bit of fiction and a bit woo'ish, for my tastes anyway, for the 1990's ( I think?). Don't really know anything about it. But that won't stop me having an opinion on it.grin

Pan Wed 08-Jan-14 12:10:06

It's nice to read a comment of appreciation, so thank you v muchly! I'm just content that you can make use of anything we 'talk' about.

There's something in the 'advice world' that folks sometimes miss, and that is you are giving advice. You're giving it away (rather like a present?) so you musn't get at all huffy if the intended recipient doesn't use it in the manner you think is best. You have no 'control' over it any more. iyswim.

Motivation? Exactly, it's good to assist someone IF you have something to offer isn't it? When I was a 'client-facing' professional I was v much an interventionist by nature - now as a team leader and trainer of others that's still a theme, and talking with you is a challenge to 'do some good' and (selfish for me)refresh values and skills.

Pan Wed 08-Jan-14 10:52:09

yes, it's a tremendously effective controlling device and used to manipulate someone into pity and so change their own way. (abusers use it a lot.)He may be feeling genuine regret and sorry right now but he can process those feelings in his own time and not weighing you down and sucking your energy.
< the laptop thing just reads strange re 'asking' for some thing>

thatlldonicely Wed 08-Jan-14 09:59:17

ok i get it - so that i start to feel sorry for him- so if people behave in a certain way - not necessarily deliberately but perhaps in way they have always behaved say from childhood how do you get them to see things differently

funny - i just googled "poor me behaviour" and it mentioned the celestine prophecy which is something i read when i was going through my previous problems - do you know it - think ill dig the book out

thatlldonicely Wed 08-Jan-14 09:37:38

and yes i could order my own - its just easier to get him to do it as he does this day to day

thatlldonicely Wed 08-Jan-14 09:35:35

hadnt seen your reply - lol ok which remark do you mean - is it poor me from me or from him

thatlldonicely Wed 08-Jan-14 09:33:00

pan i just wanted to say thanks for sticking around - your support is greatly appreciated - i dont know what your motivation is for doing this but it obviously comes from a good place. There are a lot of posts on some of these threads were people are supposedly giving advice and support but it seems to come from a very bitter and unhappy place not that they can see this or would perhaps admit to it - so thank you

Pan Wed 08-Jan-14 09:12:44

Morning you.

Please be v careful about that last remark. It's heavily laden with "poor me" and is very, very common.

<the obvious observation is that you should be able to order your own lap top without 'nagging' anyone. You're not a child.>

thatlldonicely Wed 08-Jan-14 08:58:33

yes i can always remember my dad saying he couldnt wait for us to get older so he could really embarrass us - sadly he is behaving like an old fool!
i think there have been some v subtle changes in DHs attitude - i know the perspective on the other threads would be i am fooling myself but the info on the accounts has appeared he has ordered me a new laptop (something i have been asking for ages as this one is dying & dd was constantly nagging him to get me one for xmas - off her own back no prompting from me) and he said yesterday he will sort out a counsellor today. I did ask him if he was doing all these things so he could leave with a clean slate - he said he didnt think he was doing anything different but i think he knows he is. i mentioned somewhere else when someone mentioned that he was tarting himself up that he has lost over a stone and ahalf in weight in about amonth - and this morning he was complaining that his trousers were falling down - i asked him if he has lost more weight & he said yes - he said he could write a book and make a million and i asked him what the answer would be & his reposnse was "f**k everything up" - i see this as something is finally getting through his very very thick skull - i do hope i am not wrong.

Pan Tue 07-Jan-14 23:59:02

I'd suspect strongly the esteem thing will come along as you make decisions and remain by them. You will not be someone to be trifled with.

and no, ime at least the children see us atm as a means of food, acquiring things, boundary-testing for the future and as a source of embarassment. And it's our job to ensure that last one!

thatlldonicely Tue 07-Jan-14 17:49:46

do you know what - thats not a nice question to think about because i dont know - the only person who recently shows any appreciation is his dad - his mum did too and the dog - kids never do do they?

Pan Tue 07-Jan-14 13:36:30

Ah, wasn't aware he was so absent. Sorry. Scrub that.confused

Still admiring your reslience You appear to be much clearer in thought than you seem to be giving yourself credit for.

Just thinking on that, when was the last time someone gave you a positive stroke, said how well you do stuff, how well you look, pointed up your positives and generally appreciated you fully. ( kids, if relevant, don't count grin)


thatlldonicely Tue 07-Jan-14 09:00:44

im thinking on this but im not sure - my DM died 5 yrs ago & my dad actively looked to meet someone else- dont have a problem with this per ce but we had a falling out as he didnt tell me and actually hid all the evidence before being taken into hospital by ambulance with heart problems. it all got v hurtful and i had to get DH to intervene as i thought some of the things he was saying was unreasonable but was doubting my own mind. that relationship didnt last but he has met someone else he is happy with - and i am happy for him - but he has gone from seeing lots of the kids and saying he will always be there for them to spending months abroad with this person with no contact. My Db has also had a stressful time and he played the same card with him and that relationship has also been damaged. i thought he may have phoned but i think he is probably thinking my reaction justified what he already thought and this has given him enough substance to have even less contact with me/us

Pan Mon 06-Jan-14 19:01:47

IF at all possible, have a further word with your dad. You don't have to argue or justify anything to him - just try to recruit his support again. As I'd said he can be a valuable source of support, if you feel you can offer him a second invitation to be.

Pan Mon 06-Jan-14 18:55:35

Yes, any professional counsellor or therapist would rather cleverly tease out his motivations, perspectives and force him to see the consequences of the resultant behaviours, which as I'd said upthread appears as "lazy cruelty". People change how they feel about things all the time, but sometimes need the cognitive behavioural intervention i.e. the thoughts-feeling-behaviour process. That would assist him in 'growing up'. BUT all of that really should be done off his own bat, and certainly not on your time and at your expense.

In between time though I'd repeat from what you have said he needs to move out, ideally. You can't ignore what he has said, and living with that will drain you and leave you least able to pay attention to your needs and those of the rest of the family.
fwiw as I see it you're contextualising what's been posted to you really, really well - others with less resilience could have their heads lowered and take on the 'add water and stir' solutions. So do please continue to have faith in your own standards, motivations for behaving the way you are, and resources.

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