Blokes - I need your viewpoint on sex, affection and overall male mindset.(17 Posts)
Situation is DP never seems to want sex. Not only that but he's never affectionate with me either. He's great in other ways, we go out, we do stuff together, we work at things like the house etc together but when it comes to intimacy and affection I feel there is none. We'll sit together on the sofa watching a movie and I'll massage him, stroke him etc etc - all the stuff he seems to like and I get nothing back at all. Maybe a half hearted leg stroke or a quick kiss but only because he feels he has to.
Sex between us is rubbish. He never seems to want it and I have to instigate it all the time or it doesn't happen. I'd say we currently have sex around once a week if I instigate it. There is no affectionate foreplay from him, no stroking or caressing, no kissing (well, apart from a platonic robotic type kiss on the lips) but no affectionate kissing or kissing me anywhere other than my lips. Doesn't even kiss my neck. Oral sex is non-existant. He did it to me once or twice in the very early days but since then it's been all one sided and half the time if I do it to him, he barely responds.
He won't touch me. I try and move his hands onto my breasts in bed (not for sex, just because it feels nice) and he moves them away. When I asked him why he won't do it, he says he's shy and is worried I'll get mad at him. Obvious bullshit when a) it's ME moving his hands there and B) you don't tend to get shy touching someone you've been in a long term relationship with!!
Finally, he always says he's too tired for sex. Yet he purposely comes to bed late (choosing instead to play on battlefield downstairs
or watch porn and delete the history ) or if he does come to bed whilst I'm still awake he brings the Ipad up and plays on CandyCrush or messes on the internet. Last night he was doing that for 20 minutes or so after coming to bed. Meanwhile I'm cuddled up to him and giving him the odd kiss etc and finally he turns it off, turns to me, kisses me and says he's now going to sleep as he's very tired - so why sit there playing on the ipad then??? most bizarre thing about it is that he had an erection so what IS going on ???
Be brutally honest, I'm difficult to offend and I need the truth. I've tried asking him, he says there is no problem, he's just tired.
It's quite late but I didnt want to leave this an entire day without a response. DN is NOT busy!
What do you know about his parents relationship? And his rel with his mother. Try as we might, parent's are v strong role modellers for all sorts of things and v subliminally.
Before lights out, if you are tempted to look to yourself for an explanation, then it's probably not productive. I'd think that even if he was living with what he considers a sex kitten after a few weeks he'd be back to war games at 2 in the morning rather than her. fwiw.
Hmmm. Yeah, I'm not sure there's a whole lot you can do about this other than give him an ultimatum about your relationship.
I'm assuming this has been going on for a while. How long has it been like this, and how long have you been together?
Hmm, weird. Has it been like this from the start (say after the initial happy times)? Or is it something from the last time? As this is a network for parents: do you have children or maybe are you pregnant? This might be playing a role.
Don't discount the shy factor too easily. There might be an issues in contact. Try to discuss it on a moment when things are going well. Like when you're watching tv together and a show has just finished. Try to avoid blame, just ask what's the matter. Ultimatums tend to work quite badly on us guys, so I would not use that tactic.
And for the brutally honest part: has something changed in your phsyique since the last time you really had a great time together? Maybe there's something that puts him off. Or maybe there's something he'd like to do but is afraid to ask...
ah I'd just noticed you've posted over in Rels. topic as well, and the almost unanimous view is 'LTB'.
Well, tbh you'll find a lot of that 'advice' dished up there comes from a 'damaged so I'll share my damage with you' perspective. Plus quite a lot of 'add water and stir' prescription to solve deep-rooted and longer term problems. Obv people make individual choices but the one-size-fits-all approach is usually one that relies on the lowest common denominator.
If your investment in this rel is worthwhile then it takes time to work on it, and a fair bit of self-analysis from dp AND you. (eg why did you choose to hitch your wagon here? Which is quite a different question to why is he avoiding intimacy?)
Hmm, I would suggest this needs looking into/discussing further. Are there any other issues - i.e. is he worried about stuff, depressed, stressed, even worried about his performance.
Has he always been like this ?
My initial thoughts would be that he may be worried about his performance - especially if he's been watching "how it should be done" on the web...
The only way you'll ever find out though is to try & talk about it (slowly though).
Ignore the Bitter & Twisted LTB lot on the other threads, I wouldn't trust them with anything remotely important!
I would leave aside the late nights and consider whether there is a reason why he's tired. Is he employed? Does he find is work demanding? The late nights (and the porn use) may, paradoxically, be a symptom of him being ground down by work and needing to relax rather than sleep.
As a man my guess (and that is all it is) would be the following;
He is withholding affection because letting you in completely is very frightening. He is happy to live with you but must keep you at arms length - the lack of passion (really loving) in your sex life (and otherwise) is a manifestation of this. Showing you the affection that you need would make him feel vulnerable so he feigns being non commited when in all probability he really loves you. If you suspect that this is true then perhaps joint counselling would help to explore why he could feel like this. It is quite possible that it is not related to yourself but to other events in his life.
Disclaimer: I'm not a guy.
I would try to get him to agree to two weeks without any computer games or i-pad or screen time at all. Just two weeks. And see if it makes a difference to your sex life. I bet it does.
Beware of assuming that porn use is the cause and not merely the symptom
I'm not a guy, but I was married to a guy exactly like you were describing. He was a porn addict.. and real life sex held no interest for him.. I couldn't even get him to have sex three times per year and I can assure you I am very easy on the eyes... IMO, your husband is probably addicted to porn also. This is going to be a very difficult issue to address, I tried for 10 years to "fix" this problem (among a raft of others).. it didn't work. Very, very happily divorced now!
I'm a guy and I went through something similar and used "feeling tired" to hide the true reason. In my case it was some self worth/stress issues that I was going through at the time... I didn't/couldn't tell the wife the real reasons because of my particular circumstances and it manifested itself in a lack of sexual interest. Eventually, it passed when the things that were bothering me passed.
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