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ex moving boyfriend into marital home

(81 Posts)
dogtired190 Fri 30-Aug-13 22:17:21

wife moved in new boyfriend without telling me.
i left her a year ago for another.have continued to pay house bills and mortgage (£800 a month)still go to house regularly as garage is also my workshop. have two children 18 and 16. wife on low income + benefits only, recently started working part time after 20 years
should i continue to pay ? can i tell him to pay rent? can i ask him to go?
what should i do???

Cheeseandwin5 Mon 25-Sep-17 14:58:39

From my view , unless your costs have gone up because of him being there you should just lump it, otherwise you will just look like a control freak. Hopefully he makes your wife and kids happy and secured. The most you can do is try and bring forward the date the house will be sold.

TomVeiga Tue 16-Aug-16 18:20:16

I didn't realise it was old

ayeokthen Tue 16-Aug-16 17:29:51

If this was a woman this thread would be completely different! Why should OP provide a home for his ex and her new man? Maintenance for the kids yes, but I'd be buggered if I'd pay for my ex and his new partner to live the life of Riley on my dime!

PurpleDaisies Tue 16-Aug-16 17:27:40

Why would you reanimate this tom? biscuit


TomVeiga Tue 16-Aug-16 17:26:33

Tell him he can't live in your house with contributing.

It's not very difficult.

YouCantBeSadHoldingACupcake Thu 26-May-16 06:50:12


Just5minswithDacre Thu 26-May-16 06:37:17

God no joelle. Don't RTFT if it's a long one. Just check the date smile

joellevandyne Thu 26-May-16 06:35:54

Whoops, must adjust posts-per-page settings so I actually get all the way through the thread before clambering up on my high horse.

must do better, will do better

Just5minswithDacre Thu 26-May-16 06:28:28

Oops. Should have refreshed after WASTING 15 MINUTES READING A THREE YEAR OLD THREAD grin

Just5minswithDacre Thu 26-May-16 06:27:36

This was THREE YEARS ago. I expect the house has been sold.

PurpleDaisies Thu 26-May-16 06:17:59

Given that this thread is THREE YEARS OLD-ZOMBIE ALERT I'm not sure the op will really care.

joellevandyne Thu 26-May-16 06:09:52

Good lord.

You want a pat on the back because after cheating on your wife and leaving her for another woman (I imagine this came as even more of a shock to her than the news of her boyfriend moving in came to you), you have continued to keep a roof over your children's heads while your ex-wife attempts to start from zero after being a SAHM for two decades.

But some men don't even do that, they just walk away!

Oh, well done. You are only a moderate jerk. biscuit

Whether the boyfriend lives in the house or not is absolutely immaterial to you. Attempt to salvage a little dignity and accept that your ex is choosing to move on with her life.

NRDAD Fri 13-May-16 00:22:08

I know this is an old thread that popped up for sum reason but it is stupid to expect the man to pay for her bf to live in the house for nothing if he wants to live there he should pay rent. Why should the op pay to take care of her new bf ? and will op not have his own rent and bills to pay and a roof to provide when kids are with him ? Without any support from any where else ? People always seem to forget the no res still has to provide a stable home for himself and kids its a joke. My ex gets twice as much a month as i do i pay child support she has her own wages ( only slightly less then me) and all the benifit still lives in the house we own so i actually pay more in rent then the mortgage. Works out once see pays all her main bill still has more money then me before i ve paid any of mine but wants more money i say gtf

roarfeckingroar Thu 21-Apr-16 16:25:11

You left her for another woman, she's on a very low income and now you want to stop paying for your children's home.

That right there is why so many men have a bad name.

jessica361 Mon 14-Dec-15 04:01:11

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

43percentburnt Wed 02-Apr-14 23:06:06

You say you earn 12k is that paye 12k or a self employed with an excellent accountant 12k? Does your accountant offset for using your garage as a workshop, using electricity, gas, water, phone, car insurance etc at the old property? Are you avoiding selling due to the garage?

If you are unhappy with the financial agreement speak to your ex and suggest selling the house. Yes she may have to downsize but why drag this out? Mediation, assuming no abuse at any point in your relationship.

Once you are financially separated and maintenance is set you can live with your new girlfriend and your ex with her new boyfriend. You no longer have to worry about what she is or isn't doing. You pay your girlfriend your half of the bills and house costs and move on with life.

caruthers Thu 20-Mar-14 00:11:09

You have my sympathy OP.

But keep paying (And not over the odds) and when the time comes sell up and just move on.

Your ex and her new beau could have saved up enough for a deposit on their own little dream house by then.

EurotrashGirl Sat 15-Mar-14 20:45:31

OP, don't view the mortgage costs as paying you ex's and her boyfriend bills. View it as building equity in an asset.

Toadinthehole Sat 08-Mar-14 02:29:22

that aside..

OP, I can imagine why you would want to minimise disruption to your children at least until they both reach the age of majority, and I can understand why you would want to do this by continuing to pay for the family home.

From what you describe, however, it sounds as if your relationship with your wife is over. You are entitled to get on with your own life, and she with hers. Doing that requires disentangling your financial affairs, ie, splitting the assets and liabilities, putting the house on the open market or buying her out of her share and her moving out.

In the meantime, you are trying to have it both ways and have got yourself into a somewhat contorted position. ,However good your intentions are. It is her house too - she is entitled to take in a cocklodger if she chooses. And in financially underwriting said (possible) cocklodger, your aren't able to fulfil the responsiblities you have assumed to your new partner. You made a choice, and now you've got to follow it through.

Toadinthehole Sat 08-Mar-14 02:15:41

She offered to let you off maintenance if you signed over your rights in a house with 270K equity?

And your children are 18 and 16?

Is your ex-W incapacitated or given to taking the piss?

Tishtash12 Fri 07-Mar-14 08:52:47

Hi only joined to reply to this message, you may have left your wife for another and I do not agree this is the way as my mum went through this 3years ago, your ex is obviously hurt by they way you did things and making you pay, but this isn't right either I do not understand why you are paying mortgage, insurance etc at the end of the day you need to divorce and get it over and done with as it isn't going to make it easier for the kids even if there over 18) I was 20 and I felt like my family was falling apart but life goes on and you are supporting your kids above and beyond. I understand paying for your children but that doesn't equate to the amount you are paying, I go by equality and we'll me and my partner pay our ways together, I would never under any circumstances make my partner (together or separated) pay through the nose to get my own back as kids are involved and at end of day they will and are old enough to decide if they want to forgive you for what you did and your the one who will have to live with the decision you made. if she can't afford it she needs to get off her arse and work more to afford it, i assume if anything were to happen to house you would take your kids in, her partner is her choice at end of day but under no circumstances should he be living rent free, if anything he should want to pay for HIS living if he has any respect for her and himself (not for your sake it being the family home). I do hope it's all sorted now. Tash

mat690 Wed 22-Jan-14 15:08:16

For the love of god man, stop paying, contribute as little as legally possible and make her fight for every last penny she wants from you.

Loveineveryspoonful Thu 24-Oct-13 09:48:00

Dogtired, perhaps you'd be interested in the thoughts of someone in your present dp's situation...?

I am actually relived that there are men out there who can see a problem with exw and mean to address it.

I met and married a man in similar circumstances, and can only encourage you to follow the lengthy and detailed advice given by previous poster, gigglestar.

I wasn't ow, btw, but was still dragged into the post divorce battle by exw ("don't spend money on that woman and her son that you could be spending on your children" OR "you are spending more time with that woman's son then with your own").

Dh had practically no spending money at all although he earned pretty good wages as he was paying maintenance (already classed "luxury level" in this country ,I.e. Europe but not UK) + school fees for private school for both dc + any extra exw could think to throw in (resorting also to extorting money from inlaws for any number of after school activities she could think of).
Btw, exw earns above average income, like dh.

Then there was the blackmailing I.e. Despite money rolling in, dh was kept on tenterhooks about visitation rights (although blooming obvious to all and sundry that he was just about still primary caregiver, having them 50:50 to look after, the rest was mostly her parents and aunt).
Needless to say, I was aghast at the spineless attitude to exw being displayed, I was giving lodging and contributing to food, bills etc 50%, eventhough there was only my ds and me and three of them (eow and twice a week for full dinners I was cooking).

Was I resentful? Hell yes!!!

Some of the above conditions have changed, only because dh finally listened to me, his parents, his friends, his former inlaws (!) and now also the couple counseler we've been seeing for nearly a year (and after 4 years of this nonsense I'm still not sure if the changes are enough to keep me in this relationship).
Please don't think its just the money, I have a good wage, managed fine on my own as lone parent for 8 years and exw has an excellent salary herself, so no, his children's lifestyle hasn't changed one iota.
It's the unnecessary pandering to someone's whims that get me.

Interestingly, while she is still trying to squeeze money out of dh, she has a cocklodger of her own, literally a toyboy (about 8 years younger) with no discernible income. Is dh also funding him? Probably, yes.

gigglestar Sun 20-Oct-13 20:13:18

You have my sympathies OP. A friend of mine was in a similar position but "sucked it up" for years, the end result was not a happy or healthy one for him or his children.
In my opinion it doesn't matter who initiated the split-when you've fallen out of love with your partner and cannot live together then it is best for both individuals AND the children that you separate. Happy parents are better than angry,argumentative parents. Personally, i think she's taking you for a mug and using the children as emotional blackmail. It is your choice how much you choose to pay over the amount required by CSA - however, you are not doing yourself or your children any favours by not looking after yourself.
You need to sort out your finances ASAP - be that via mediation or the legal route.
You need to a home that gives you security (not one where you get thrown out after an argument) and somewhere where your children can visit/stay/feel comfortable.
You need to ensure your finances not only allow you to pay CSA but also allow you to be able to afford to take your children out and about etc

Your ex chose to sacrifice her career to be a STAHM so don't allow anyone to make you feel guilty for her life choices. She is more than capable of earning her own money and funding her own lifestyle.

You are completely right in expecting her new live-in partner to pay up-how dare anyone expect you to pay for him!! The fair thing would be for the three of you to pay a third each towards the monthly mortgage and council tax. He should also be paying towards the utilities and groceries and the car if he is using it. Stop paying for the car if you are not using it and find an alternative place to store the contents of your workshop - you don't live there anymore and so should not be there so regularly.

When you do decide to finalise the divorce and sell the house -*split it 50/50*, she is not "owed" more than that.

Had my friend not "sucked it up" all those years ago, he would not have ended up living in a bedsit unable to have his children come and stay and enjoy their family time together, his ex would not have been able to accuse him of "being a crap dad" because he could not afford to take the children out,take them on holidays, buy them clothes etc, help towards college and uni costs. She would not have been able to accuse him of being a "bad example" because he wore charity shop clothes (all he could afford) and only ever went to the pub when he socialised (he was left with a tenner a week to spend on 'socialising'). She would not have been able to twist the situation and the facts and poison the children into believing he didn't give two hoots about them. Now that the children are adults and can see for themselves exactly what he sacrificed to ensure they were provided/cared for they are re-building their relationship.

Don't let that happen to you. There are two wage earning adults living in that house and your children will not go without food etc if you reduce the amount you pay per month in order to rebuild your life. Especially as she will be receiving additional benefits as a low wage earner.

Plus, having your own secure place means your children have the option of going to live with you if they don't get on with her boyfriend smile

have a look at this to get you started:

fifi669 Mon 09-Sep-13 16:41:47

You're on £12,000 a year OP so the CSA would determine you pay £150pm for your youngest DC. Your eldest could be out of CSA, if not it would only make your payment towards them £200pm. Yet you're paying £800? In all honesty I think you're being mugged off!

Yes you left for another woman. That doesn't mean you should bankroll your ex for eternity. A few months to sort herself out after would be a polite thing to do after years of her not working. You say she is working now so she'll have her wages and child/working tax credits and prob a contribution towards council tax. She may not be living the life of Riley without your money but she'll manage.

In all honesty I'd sell up and separate yourselves financially aside from any payments you need to make for your children. With the equity in your house her half could buy somewhere smaller that she can afford to run independently.

Yes pay for your children. Don't pay for your ex. It's not your responsibility anymore.

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