some advice desperately needed..what a mess...

[zqo93w]

Ill start from the beginning..i have a child from a previous marriage aged 4 who I have a great relationship with. I pay 300 a month as part of the divorce settlement.

Last September I met a new lady 6 years younger than me. The relationship was great and I thought I had met " the one". After a while she told me that due to a medical condition she would not be able to concieve naturally and there was no need for contraception ( see where this is going?)...

In feburary she discovered she was pregnant. Not an ideal situation considering im not long divorced, but I tried to make the best of the situation and be the best dad / partner I could be.

However she started becoming difficult. She smoked right up until 30 weeks despite my pleas, and wouldnt take any advice on her diet ( red bull every day, little fruit or veg, lots of processed food etc).

Last night I voiced concerns about her mothers home- her mother wants to provide childcare for us once the baby arrives. Now, her mother smokes 40 a day and smokes in the house, has done for 30 years. Im aware that secondhand smoke, even if not smoking around the baby, can increase the risk of cot death hugely. I expressed my concern, and now its all kicked off. In short, my partner is ending our relationship.

I feel like im at breaking point. Im going to be an estranged dad to 2 kids, end up paying over 500 a month in maintainance, and feel like ive messed up my whole life. I feel like emptying out what little I have in my bank account and just running away. I dont know what else to do.

any advice much appreciated.

[CoffeeandScones]

Sorry for your situation OP, it sounds pretty manipulative from the mother of your second child.

Just to understand, was it five or seventeen months from meeting her to her 'discovering' her pregnancy?

[zqo93w]

5 months. I just don't know what to do. How can ,y daughter had any sort of relationship with her new " half brother" when things are like this?

[CoffeeandScones]

It might be best to ask for this to be moved to the 'Relationships' page, only there's a lot more traffic there for advice.

Don't worry about the Mumsnet/Dadsnet thing, anyone can post wherever

Your first post talked of running away through desperation, but your second implied you actually want to stay to provide a relationship between you and your two children. Is that what you want mostly but you're at a loss to see how it can be done?

[ethelb]

Can you go for custody? That way you dont pay maintence.

[Tuon]

"Can you go for custody? That way you dont pay maintence."

I think if zqo93w decides it would be in his family's interests for him to go for custody the decision will be based on more than how much money he will save.

The situation is how it is, running away won't solve anything and it would be awful for you to miss out on your children's lives.

All you can do is be there for your children as much as you can, encourage them to know each other and be the best parent you can to them both.

[mrscynical]

Yeah because having custody means you don't have to spend a penny on your child.

Very funny ethelb

[EasyMark]

If the second women does not have anyother kids she might change her mind once the child is born and the mummy instinct kicks in.

Its hard to stop smoking, does her midwife know?

Have you helped plan for the baby?

Its so hard once you know what children are like to how you imagen it to be. If the relationship is over can you apply for dna and PR for the child and get court ordered access?

If you have both children on the same weekend/days and be consistant about it you will form a good relationship as a family.

Dont forget that children grow up and can chose who they live with and who the see. Its a long game my friend.

[MrsMinkBernardLundy]

Smoking not only increases the risk of cot death but also of ear nose and throat problems (to extent of depending up needing grommits for deafness caused by glue ear) and that is just being in same house as someone who smokes outside not inside.

So it is far from ideal.

Was your xp happy to be pregnant? Do you think she spun you a line or do you think she really believed she could not conceive? (although contraception and sti prevention is still a joint responsibility)

and if she were willing to continue the relationship do you still want to?

[evelynj]

Ditto easymark. Try to go easy on 2nd partner but see if you cab agree some boundaries & just take it day by day and week by week getting through with new baby.

The siblings wil sort themselves out in time if you do your best to maintain good relationships with their mothers as this wil ensure the best for your children.

You'll have 2 kids by 2 mothers. Dont stress bit give yourself a week pr two to properly grieve that it's maybe not your ideal situation but you need to adapt to iy - not unusual nowadays

Good luck

[MrsMinkBernardLundy]

OP I am hoping you guys were just having a wobble and can sort things out. emotions often run high in ppregnancy. if this is first child and it was not planned (by either of you) then she is probably just overwhelmed but will be glad of your help and support when the r baby arrives.

You are right re. Her mother but may have to take a softly softly approach. better to be working on that problem fromwithin than without the relationship.

will mother be doing childcare in your/baby's home or her own?
And can you rearrange your work so you can do some so she does not need to do so much?

Good luck OP. even if the rs has gone as other posters say it is not what you want but you will manage and i am sure the mother of your baby would be glad of your involvement (if she has any sense) bringing up a baby is easier with more people