Relationship problems . Advice would be lovely :)(13 Posts)
My wife and I have been married for about 11 months and are now expecting our first baby late this year. Things have at times been difficult and I'm not sure if its me being unreasonable or the Mrs We've had an on-going disagreement over our Wedding day and the preparations. I've a brother who's a very experienced Wedding photographer and knowing he's had a very difficult time of it lately decided that he could have duel roles as photographer and Best Man (we're close and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way). Needless to say the Wedding photos weren't that great because he worked himself ragged. DW however has never forgiven me (despite my apologies and my honest admission that it was a bit much for him). We've had many arguments along the lines of me thinking of my brother needs instead of hers and how I can't be trusted with "other things" as I made such a mess up. I've kept the basics to a minimum but will explain should anyone ask
Hmmmm I can completly understand her being upset about the photos. Are there any good ones or are they all a write off? But you had the best intentions and apologised sooooo....
if I've understood correctly, she's still angry with you 11 months later? This Is a bit extreme, what are the 'other things' she can't trust you with?
TBH, you need to relax and think how she's feeling at the moment - she's going to take quite a while to get over the photos thing and now she is dealing with all the hormone issues/stress of being pregnant. she is going to have moments of irrationality whilst she copes with getting on with being pregnant. Even my DW who is a saint putting up with me had her moments during pregnancies.
Take it all on the chin and give her all the support you can. That's your role as a husband when babies are coming
and I've certainly known women to stay angry over wedding day issues for years and that's when they went as guests......
The fact that the argument is still simmering away makes it sounds like its not been dealt with... she needs to feel like you've heard her and you've listened. I'd sit her down and calmly tell her that you know she's upset about the photos and you're really sorry, then ask her what she needs to be able to move on from it. I do actually know a bride who hated her wedding photos so much, her DH ended up paying for a photoshoot for her in her dress... frankly I think that's a bit extreme (and might just upset your wife even more if she can't fit in her dress )
If its turning into an argument when she brings it up, it might be cause she thinks you are making excuses or trying to defend him... and that's just making her more upset... you might think she's being entirely unreasonable (and she might well be so) but find out what she thinks will help her get over it...
I've been married 3 years, and a similar situation happened to me. I'm close with my brother, he was down on his luck last summer, convinced her against her preference it would be to our benefit that he lived with us to support her and be insured on our new car to help ferry her and ds round after my paternity leave finished. Of course he then went and bumped it, and spent most of his day on Xbox, god love him.
It doesn't come easy to some of us, but sometimes you have to hold your hand up and say it was a mistake. Also, i found conceding to lots of arguments during pregnancy made life easier, you can't appreciate how physically exhausting that period is for her.
There are lots of deals for abstract professional photo shoots at good prices on websites like Groupon. Why not have some arty baby bump pre natal couple shots taken to make amends.
When a friend's wedding photos turned out to be a bit rubbish she asked other guests to send them any good ones of theirs from the day to boost their collection of decent ones. maybe if you do this and find some nice ones and get one or two framed?
No one's wedding goes perfectly (probably) so I do kind of think she should get over it but me thinking that doesn't really help you much.
I'm afraid that it does sound like you and your brother made a balls-up.
Think of it from your wife's perspective. Presumably you discussed the idea with her before the wedding. She would have been quite reasonable to assume that your brother knew what he was taking on, if he said he was experienced.
The truth is that your brother ought to have known better, and that is not your wife's fault, and I think you have to take some share of the blame in putting the idea forward.
I will assume that the resulting photographs really weren't good enough, and that your wife is not a Bridezilla.
The best thing is to take it on the chin and a) make it up to her with a suitable romantic gesture, preferably a big one and b) try not to stuff anything else up!
Female here, hope thats ok. Can't you get a decent photo from anyone and have it framed for her? Think she needs to let it go now but its probably pregnancy hormones not helping. Once the baby is born she won't have time to think about wedding photos not being up to standard - just make sure to get a decent photographer to do newborn pictures this time!
By the way get why you were trying to support brother and that was kind - she will appreciate your kindness in years to come so don't lose it, just send a bit more of it her way!
She will take a while to get over this, but most folk just have 2 or 3 big pics in frames of their wedding day (plus album in bookcase gathering dust).
Ask around friends and family who were there, and bet someone has a few decent pics. Get 2 or 3 enlarged to 10x8 or whatever, framed, and then present to her on birthday, anniversary, or next week if situation desperate.
Although not perfect, she will (over time) appreciate your efforts to make amends.
It's always tricky getting close family involved in the big day. My husband insisted his father married us (he is a minister of religion and married
DH's 2 sisters) I told him I would prefer someone we both chose as neither of us are particularly religious and it was my wedding day too...
He insisted 'any woman he married would be married by his father'... He had his way in the end and I am still angry his father used MY BIG DAY to preach about how relationships without God as the centre WOULD FAIL in front of my many atheist (but truly in love) married friends... Also he TOLD ME OFF mid ceremony- like a dressing down. I will NEVER get over that. He ruined something that is a one off occasion all due to his pig headed arrogance of what should have been mutually agreed.
Anyway I can understand why your wife must feel hurt and sad... Disappointed, but you have at least acknowledged it was a mistake and I think it's unfair of her to assume this will affect anything else.
I agree entirely with Carolra. No excuses, don't try to defend him, say you agree they're crap photos, that you're really disappointed too, etc, etc then tell her that you're looking forward to getting some lovely, expensive PROFESSIONAL portraits done of your family when the baby's born.
Then, if she's STILL going on about it the problem is clearly hers. Someone who holds on to stupid grievances can be very hard to live with, so I hope she gets over this one.
Did you railroad her into having your brother as photographer?
Have you downplayed his fuck-up since?
If not then I can't imagine she is anything but unreasonable. It was 11 months ago, you can't have predicted it and there was no malice.
Oh and bollocks to sucking it up cos of her hormones.
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