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He dated other women in the first 6 months :( male opinions needed!! Is he a bastard or was he just making up his mind

(5 Posts)
idontunderstandmen Sun 17-Mar-13 21:15:19

Hi everyone. So I am in a happy relationship, well fairly happy, I feel very in love and I feel he loves me, things are moving along nicely and we are considering moving in together. We have been together 1.5 years and we met on internet dating. However I have always had a bit of a suspicion that my boyfriend was seeing other women early on in our relationship, I checked his facebook last summer and saw messages which suggested that was the case. I confronted him and he said they were old exes, and friends of his ex and he hadnt been cheating on me. He apologised for flirting and deleted the person in particular he had been flirting with.

Just today I was on his laptop and thought I'd have a nose at his photos. I was surpised to see photos of lots of women from the internet, and internet conversations that he had photographed, arranging to meet up for drinks. When I looked at the dates I saw they were within the first 6 months of our relationship. I confronted him about this and he said that he hadnt felt sure of our relationship until we went on holiday together (at about 6 months in) and that he had been on some dates but not slept with any women. I feel very hurt because I was faithful to him after about a month of meeting him, I did go on a few dates after meeting him but was very honest to him about this. I feel he has lied to me when I confronted him first about this (he says he didnt tell me because "thats not what you tell people you go out with"). I understand that we werent in love at that time, we hadnt met each others families, but I still feel hurt and like he was disrespectful to me. He says that he hasnt seen any other women since that first holiday when he realised that he loved me and I do believe him. Am I a fool or is this normal male behaviour?

If it makes any difference, I am 29, had recently come out of a 6 year relationship when I first met him, he is 40 and had been single-ish for a few years (ie a couple of 6-1yr relationships but probably seeing loads of people at the same time). I was probably a bit naive of the real world, particularly the internet dating world

Pan Sun 17-Mar-13 21:47:01

From what you are saying I can only suggest some bad news. In the first flush of a 'commited relationship' people don't generally continue 'playing the field', they are working too hard and focussed on the person in front of them, and hoping it develops. Not flirting with other women in keeping options open. If he was doing it then, he will v prob. have that attitude constantly. This alone probably tells you something about the 'foundations' of how he sees yourselves?

Another thing is that this is all you know of. I'm afraid there will be lots of other undiscovered stuff,and tbh the 'not sleeping with these other women' is, well, probably not true either. As "that not what you tell people who you are about to cohabitate with."
"Players" only generally admit to and give up what they've been caught on.

No you're not a fool. But you would be IF you moved in with him. But you probably know this, which is why you are posting/asking, for a sort of 'validation' of your instincts? I'd go with your instincts. You are not trusting him and you have v good reasons to think/feel that way.

Kiwiinkits Mon 22-Apr-13 02:25:30

I agree with Pan 100%.
IF (and only if) he was seeing other women for the first month then maybe the 'foundations' may be in tact. Otherwise, I would think that the fact he was keeping his options open at that time is an illustration that he didn't place a lot of value on winning you/keeping you.
I'm a big believer in letting the man 'win' you. Do you feel you held back enough of yourself in those early months that he had to discover you and fight for your affection a little?

RiaOverTheRainbow Mon 22-Apr-13 02:46:16

No one takes 6 months to decide if they want to commit to a relationship, and the sort of person who does then lies about it is not worth keeping. Sorry.

Rtruth Mon 22-Apr-13 13:32:41

I'm going to go out on a limb here.

Firstly I have no real understanding of internet dating, but from what I do know it must be very easy to get into flirty conversations and therefore when a relationship based on just internet conversation there must be a longer period of becoming a couple.

So how often did you see each other in flesh in first 6 months? or even first month? Was this casual drinks? dates? nights in? these all need to be considered as some dating websites are seen as more easy 1 night pick up places, now if this has blossomed then great.

The biggest issue is, whatever he did, or tried with you during those first dates, he's likely to have done with the others.

The question is however, if you are happy, he's now happy (lets be fair we can be a little worried about commitment) then why ruin something that happened in the past. If you'd forgive him with being annoyed carry on asking him, but it could push him away and then you've got nothing which could be because you both didn't have the same expectations of your early relationship.

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