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Big life question

(14 Posts)
Not2niteBrenda Tue 20-Nov-12 17:36:48

Got myself a new girl we are both in our 40's (just) and I have 2 kids from a previous marriage. New girl wants a baby and I just don't feel up to it.
She seems to get really down about it, which is understandable, but I just can't seem to get myself over the hurdle of saying "Yes". I sometimes feel like I want to repsond positively when she is upset over it, but is that just emotional black mail?
My main reasons for holding out seem to be
a. feel too old/been there before
b. worried about division of time and don't want to marginalise my 2 kids - (7 & 9)
c.worried about money/time/etc

I do love her and think she would be a great mum, it's me who lacks the confidence to move forward. But I am not sure that it should be me feeling responsible for the fact that she didn't have kids earlier. Not sure what else to consider as there is no going back and if I wait for time to rule it out I coudl end up making her bitter; with or without me.

Xenia Tue 20-Nov-12 17:55:50

Fertility plummetd at over 35 so she may have left it too late anyway., If she really wants half a chance of it she needs to get on with it now.

Many women work full time and support their own children alone. Why not suggest to her she can have a child with you if (a) she works full time and does not take more than a few weeks of maternity leave (b) you will not marry her (c) your first children will always come first and (d) she will ensure she always pays in thirds for all 3 children (e) you will only have one child with her.

You will flush out if she thinks you are some kind of meal ticket by making the suggestions above.

I have 5 children and support them alone and work full time and that works out fine (and I'm older than you are!).

Not2niteBrenda Wed 21-Nov-12 10:04:43

Xenia - don't believe she thinks I am a meal ticket. My ex certainly did so I have 1st hand experience there! She naffed off with someone older and wealthier and has the kids 2/3's of the time. New girl is very independant and has her own money.

I sometimes feel that I would like to share the "parent experience" with her - you know when other people go on about their kids and being a parent and how wonderful/fulfilling it all is, but we have arrived at this time from different routes.
I stayed local got married bought house, had kids, did the job thing, then got divorced. She went travelling/fullfilled adventure needs etc, still got married but got divorced pretty quickly.

Having been through a nasty split and the hardest (?) part of child rearing I want to wander a bit and feel like I would be tied down by having another baby.
Having a hard time deciding whether I am being realistic or selfish. Would one more make such a difference?

Boggler Wed 21-Nov-12 10:18:24

Oh not2nite your story brings back many memories for me. I too met and fell in love with what I considered to be my soul mate, everything about our relationship was perfect except for one major thing, he wouldn't consider having any more children. He had 2 from his failed marriage whilst I had none. To begin with t wasn't such a big deal but as time went on and we set up home together it became more and more of an issue. Eventually we split because he wouldn't change his mind and after 2 years I met and married my husband. I couldn't reconcile being with a man who said he loved me yet who denied me thing I wanted to complete us. I've never regretted my decision to leave and I now have to beautiful dc's and a happy family life. Be prepared for your gf to leave if you don't consider her views in this.

Not2niteBrenda Wed 21-Nov-12 11:06:13

Boggler- yes I realise this might not go away, thing is she acknowledges that if we don't have kids then she is not likely to get another chance - given her age. I feel this time pressure quite significantly we have been together abut 2½yrs and whilst it has not been all smooth sailing we do love each other. She also has a hard time with the idea that I might be denying her this chance and I worry that it might make her bitter/sad. I am also not sure about being a 60yr old dad to a teenager.

Xenia Wed 21-Nov-12 11:50:37

She is almost too old to have them easily anyway. She could always get her fertility checked - if the doctor says it is too lat she may just accept it. Silly to leave you if in fact she coudl never now at 40 have children anyway.

Older men often accept to make the one they love happy they have to tolerate a late life child - Rod Stewart and many others. I had 2 children 10 years after my first 3 and it was wonderful, so much more experience and they are so much fun. However not everyone feels the same and I do work full time so I have the best of all worlds - full time work, money and children for a few hours a day.

She should have checked this out first though. If you are 27 and want babies you do not go an inch near a man who doesn't want them. You know time is running out and you pick men wanting a family.

Cezzy Wed 21-Nov-12 11:54:35

You just have to stay honest about what you feel, if you give in but it's not what you want this will always be an issue. But be aware of the consequences, she may feel she can't stay if having a child is such a big thing for her. Hope you can sort things out.

brainonastick Wed 21-Nov-12 12:04:07

I know it is not as simple as this... but if you really love her, then could you live with yourself whilst the bitterness and emptiness from not at least trying to have children ate her up?

Essentially, I think you need to decide between another child and your relationship.

She also needs to appreciate what a big step it is for you to start all over again.

Has this issue really not come up before in 2.5 years?

If you decide that you want to stay with her, then both of you should make a list of all your worries and potential problems, and work out what can be overcome (e.g. time and childcare - if she has financial resources, then childcare is possible) and what can't (e.g. if she tries and falls pregnanct with twins, or a Downs child (both higher possibilitie with age), then would that be liveable with, can you agree on those scenarios now?). Then you can both make a decision - together - about whether to try or not.

Xenia Wed 21-Nov-12 12:11:16

I have a friend who remarried after children and he had to agree to her having one child. He would not agree to more. She has accepted that. He sounded pretty exhausted when we last spoke as he'd already done it 3 time before with the other children but that was the deal. Late 30s women want babies and he loves her.

GetAllTheThings Wed 21-Nov-12 13:21:35


I wouldn't get too caught up with your age. My dd turned up when I was 40 and my then DP was 41. There are pros and cons about entering parenthood at any age, but assuming you are both active, fit and healthy I personally would see any major barriers that are down to being 40.

And your current children I'd guess would be overjoyed with a new sibling.

She also has a hard time with the idea that I might be denying her this chance

Hmm. That doesn't sound right to me. You're not denying her anything you just have a view on how you want to live your life. It's not like she's entitled to your dna. I really don't think you should act on this by peer pressure.

Not2niteBrenda Wed 21-Nov-12 13:46:22

thanks for the input guys.

We have had some discussions about in the past and I remain firmly "undecided" I can see the benefits as I always wanted kids and a family home. The dream was shattered and I got round to rebuilding my life was also forced to quit my job in this period. I met new girl and we share a lot of common interests and passions but not history, our family backgrounds and upbringing were very different and she finds my family quite intimidating - understandably tbhwink.
I don't expect anyone to answer my problems here but when I talk to her I just want to fix things and feel that her getting pregnant, however likely that may be is the answer, then later I change my mind. To be fair to her she does see my POV and acknowledges that my previous experience cannot be ignored/denied. She is not irrational or owt but the main thrust of her view is "one more won't make much difference".

Xenia Wed 21-Nov-12 13:48:36

She is going to have to tolerate years of your children when she may prefer 100% of her time without them around so it only seems fair you tolerate another child who at least will be half your DNA. If your backgrounds are different that may make things hard.

If you were forced to give up work that must make it very difficult to keep the first family never mind a second family.

Anyway good luck with it all.

brainonastick Wed 21-Nov-12 13:56:33

Ha ha "one more won't make any difference" grin. Definitely the viewpoint of someone who hasn't been through the baby years!

mumnosbest Wed 21-Nov-12 13:58:17

DH is 39 and we've just had d 3 so cross (A) out. B) if you still treat your exhisti.g dcs the same easier said than done with a new baby they'll love a new sibling and it mighr even help your new gf and them feel closer. As for (C) only you know how big a stretch a 3rd dc would be on your budget and you're right to think about it.
From my experience it could be a dwal breaker. Much as I love dh, i couldn't have given up being a mother for him. The maternal instinct was just too strong. However that doesn't mean you should do something you don't want, just that maybe you want different things and need to let eachother go.

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