Dealing with a hormonal nutter.(85 Posts)
I?m at my wits end here ? SWMBO is 8 weeks in, and it?s like someone has flicked the ?insane bitch switch? to the on position.
I reckon I?m fairly useful about the house, but recently anything I do is not up to scratch and anything I don?t do is a sign of my utter selfishness and lack of respect for her.
SWMBO ? Why is there a screwdriver sitting on the cooker?
Me ? I?m replacing the filter in the air vent.
SWMBO ? Why is it still there?
Me ? Cuz I need pliers to remove the hood of the fan
SWMBO ? This is just typical of you, leaving everything at your arse and expecting me to clean up after you
Me ? Eh? I?m not finished yet, I just came out to get the pliers.
SWMBO ? great, more of your crap to clean up ? I?m not your slave you know, this shows how little you care.
Me ? Honey, I?ll clean up when I?m done, it?ll take 5 mins, really.
SWMBO ? That?s you all over isn?t it, Jesus, you have no idea how lucky you are, no other woman would tolerate your shit. ?..cue tears and sobbing.
Me ? (soothingly hugging and stroking head) it?s okay darling, I?m sorry (whilst wondering what I?m sorry for) Look, I?ll get you a cup of tea and move the screwdriver.
SWMBO ? THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH A F?ING SCREWDRIVER- I WISH YOU?D LISTEN TO ME!!!!!!!!
There are ten to twelve episodes similar to this every day.
As far as I?ve been able to determine he best way to handle it as follows
Never, never say ?you?re being irrational?
Each individual episode is amusing in retrospect ? but the cumulative affect is making home life very difficult.
When I try to diffuse the situation it makes it worse,
when I walk away it makes it worse,
when I make light of it, it makes it worse
when I point out it?s just hormones, it makes it worse
when I try to get to the root cause of the problem ( there doesn't seem to be one ), it makes it worse
I really don?t mind being a punching bag for a few months ? I just don?t want her getting stressed about absolutely nothing.
I really need some feedback from the experienced pov here.
I?m looking forward to Monday, at least in work when people start screaming and swearing I understand why.
I had awful pregnancies and was a total nightmare. I remember feeling so jealous that my dh got to go to work and get away from me, jealous that he got to get back to normal for a while and I was miserable 24/7.
As others had said it might get better in a few weeks, first 12 are normally the worst.
I wouldn't necessarily say "leave her" but I would definitely lay down some boundaries and stick to them. For me that would involve not being called abusive names that I don't deserve, not taking responsibility for completely irrational aggression on her part, not being drawn into irrational incriminating arguments etc.
It's all very well to acknowledge that she's going through a hormonally extreme process. The problem is that inability to acknowledge the rights of the other partner is precisely what often happens as a result of such a process (something that some people are likely to fall into more easily than others). It's exactly for this reason that you have to be firm about your own rights. In ordinariy circumstances, with most people, you could take certain things like I mentioned above for granted - we just rely on other people acknowledging that we are individuals and not punching bags. In a situation like this - and with your DW, who frankly sounds like she has borderline personality disorder - you can't.
If you let her treat you like that and don't bite back, as some are suggesting, it will just get worse. For her there is no boundary, so she'll just keep going further. If you decide upon boundaries and stand up for them, she might just get the message.
Ultimately, her aggression belongs to her, and that has to be the starting point for dealing with it. If you allow it to start belonging to you, you'll end up regretting it. You won't be able to disentangle yourself from it, and it won't help the relationship anyway.
my sis is a pain in the arse atm so i feel your pain but...
hate to say it as it will probably make me un popular but just man up and put up with it.
its one of the many consequences of having a pregnant partner. they cant really help it and they nearly all do it.
meet up with your mates and have a good moan, then go home with a smile. dont take it personally. itll last 9 months (maybe longer with baby blues) but when your kid is a teenager you'll have this for years. think of it as practice
good luck (beer helps)
Well Mammy we all have our issues, no one's perfect. I may have had anger issues but I'm not judgmental, swings and roundabouts.
Perhaps she's pissed off because she's realised she's tied for life to the sort of asshole who calls women bitches.
that was the possibility that sprang to my mind, anyway.
I am 18 weeks pregnant and I've got 3 other children. I've been exhausted, sick, hormonal, fed up etc but I would never act like the lady described in the op. Mainly because I am a grown up and have to control my emotions and mood swings, also because I have respect for those around me. If someone was treating me this way, regardless of the circumstances why, I wouldn't put up with it - I shouldn't have to be someone's emotional punchbag and wouldn't treat anyone else as if they were mine.
I would imagine she is scared you will be messy, inconsiderate and all sorts of things. The approach to birth is utterly terrifying for some. Kicking off 10 times a day is NOT ok. Having said that, I did it, DH and I split after our DC and have taken a long, rocky path back to semi-normality. Having DC will spotlight ANY and ALL personal and relationship issues you have. My advice do some talking, maybe have some counselling now, before the birth of your precious first child.
Most of the people here have got it nailed. It's a passing storm - so batten down the hatches and ride it out. My DW who is normally calm and rational almost broke her knuckles and toes and couple of times getting angry over small stuff during her second pregnancy. Even she was shocked - she got the whole dark moods and "I hate everything" phase as well.
Try to anticipate the stuff that needs to be done around the house and do it without being asked and don't forget to ask if there's anything you can do to help her (even if the response is invariably a terse one - it does not mean you should stop asking). Occasional back massages do help too.
"Suck it up" is a stupid way to describe it - you just need to be tolerant of a temporary change in the way she relates to you. For my DW, the moods vanished and it was business as usual in the second trimester (c. 3 months in). Vale et macte animo!
Must say my first foray into Mumsnet has impressed me.
Safe place to vent, sensible advice, a few laughs but best of all the (obvious in hindsight) realisation that there is nothing new under the sun.
Many thanks for the perspective from the other side.
clearly being shouty, sweary and unreasonable is not the sole preserve of the pregnant.
Poor you, and poor her. Sounds rough. And yes, you sound like a nice guy.
Sensible, pragmatic word about how you'd like to support her but can't get it right, maybe, at some point when she's feeling OK and might be able to laugh about it?
And make the time to get out of the house and see friends to stay sane, especially if you start getting claustrophobic. Both of you.
Leave the bitch pt 2
Don't put up with abuse.
I was fucking mental while I was pregnant. Really moody and insane. It was like having terrible PMT all the time, for 10 months. Then I had the bloody baby and my nipples were hanging off and I didn't ever get a full night's sleep, so I was still really moody, although also still happy, weirdly.Then after 15 months I suddenly got my mojo back for, like, 2 days and then I was pregnant again and it all started again with being fucking mental. I have just stopped breastfeeding and have only just properly got my libido back. It's been MIA for 4 and a half years. My poor, poor husband. He really didn't know what the hell was going on. Just a warning.
Like you seem to, he loved and still loves his wife, and put up with most of it, although not all of it, and although we look back and think 'jesus christ', it's all worth it, I promise. Our kids are properly amazing, and we're a much better couple for it.
Zippey, that is really harsh!! It is temporary because she is pregnant! I agree that it is abusive behaviour, but there are biological reasons. The OP shouldn't have to put up with it, but the solution lies in both partners recognising what is happening and putting in place mechanisms to limit it!
What she is doing is tantamount to abuse. She is bringing your whole spirit down and making you miserable. If I were you I would be looking for an exit out of this relationship. Be resoponsible to your child but get out of this abusive situation.
I should really stay away from this thread...if you were lucky enough to have a relatively calm first trimester, then that's great. But many of us literally felt completely overwhelmed by hormones, loss of control, etc. I'm not a mad hormonal woman, I'm usually quite laid back, but when I was pregnant with my first, there were days when I felt as though I had the worse PMS in the world. Second time, the first pregnancy symptom I had was overwhelming PMS.
All we are suggesting to the OP is that he takes it into account, and maybe sympathises a bit.
If my DH is having a stressful time at work, he is far more snappy and short tempered than usual. He knows that, I know that. I just give him a bit of space until he's through it. That's what supporting each other is about.
OP I was utterly crazy for the first 12 weeks of my first pg, my dh was starting to worry about what he had got himself into. Stay strong! After the first trimester the hormones (for me anyway) calmed down a lot and we had a great time together. Could you plan a holiday for around 20 weeks or ask her if she would like to? It really helped us.
I'm sure Pictish and the like were perfect wives/girlfriends whilst pregnant (or they have forgotten how difficult it is particularly with your first) but I know no one in rl who found it easy. In fact I couldn't stand the sight or smell of dh in the first trimester, I would rather have been on my own but after the hormones calmed it was like that switch went back again and I couldn't believe I had ever felt badly towards him. It is hormones and nothing else. Plenty of chocolate, cups of tea, understanding hugs, asking how she is feeling, reading a baby book or two!!!! and talking about what is going on inside her will really help you right now.
Fwiw I'm pg with number 2 and my first trimester was a bit better as we both knew what to expect. Good luck, you sound lovely and supportive and she will absolutely realise this eventually.
I have just talked to my DH about this. As last PG I was up and down, Jekyll and Hyde. It'd taken 2 yrs to get PG and the emotional worry/excitement was all over the place. In fact DH could have written this thread. He spoke to me when I'd calmed down and I was so ashamed by my behaviour, before this it took a hell of a lot to make me blow, DH had never been on the receiving end at all in our 12 year relationship, until I was PG.
I was still emotional/weepy throughout the rest of my PG but didn't take out my frustration on DH again. I wrote a lot of it down, I talked to my MW and GP who were suitably sympathetic. DH was and still is a star.
I didn't get to see my MW for a booking in appt until I was 10 weeks. This was about 3 weeks after I first had that go at DH. It was the first time I talked to a professional about my long awaited PG and that my feelings while these emotions are normal, some may be stronger than others. To talk if something feels a bit overwhelming. After that first appt I had monthly check ups and had a chance to chat to a MW.
I also joined the NCT group locally who had a peer supported antenatal group. Basically a bunch of newly PG, some peer supporters who had babies/ toddlers to reassure and answer questions. It helped me vastly.
I am currently 9 weeks PG with DC2 and nowhere near as hormonal as last time. But I am more exhausted and the nausea is constant.
Every PG is different for everyone.
Encourage DW to seek support, check the NCT website for classes/ groups and ask if you can go. The group I was at welcomed dad's to join inthe chat on certain nights, and they also had dad only nights too.
And mumsnet/dadsnet has supported us both.
I was a bit shocked by some of the responses until I saw Pictish's posts and thought at least one person has sense! Suck it up and just be glad that you aren't pregnant aren't really very helpful to someone that is being yelled at 10 times a day! Pregnant or not its not fair, and although temporary and understandable the OP and his wife need to work together to solve it.
I agree with whoever said to discuss it when she is feeling calm to find out if there is an underlying issue and I like the neutral sentence idea.
You sound like a nice bloke (despite the insane bitch comment )
Hope you can sit down with her and have a non confrontational 'we need to talk about this.... what is really the problem... I don't deserve this treatment... ' type conversation
I take your points and if SWMBO (no appologies) was normally like this, or even like this in times of stress, I'd be inclined to agree.
Through the death of a parent, her degree, first year as a social worker, our wedding and that time I stuffed up a connection and stranded her in Aukland she was grace and stability personified. I suppose that's why her recent behaviour has caught me on the hop. It's like I've been living with a different person.
I'll have a sensible word, and "suck it up"
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.