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Desperately need a male opinion on this

(12 Posts)
DancingWind Tue 05-Jul-11 15:01:37

Hi,
I have quite a few questions which are driving me insane, and I'd really appreciate a male point of view.
My main problem is that I am severely tokophobic(phobia of pregnancy and childbirth). Please understand that this is not the normal fear and hesitation that most women have. This is a proper disorder I have been diagnosed with. However, I adore children and I can't imagine not having a child to bring up. That leaves me with adoption or surrogacy. How many men would have a problem with this? My friends and family have led me to believe that all men want biological children and basically not many would want a future with me. Is that true?
Secondly, since I love children, I might gather the courage at some poiny to get pregnant(particularly if and surrogacy don't work out).
At such a stage I will need a lot of support. I will also definitely want private healthcare as I would need the assurance of an elective c section. Is this something I should expect my man to be understanding about? So many of my friends with children say that their husbands would have never supported them or spent so much money on private care etc.
I'd appreciate it if the men reading this could tell me how they'd personally react to someone like me. Would my phobia be a complete deal- breaker? I'm not saying that I'll never have kids just that I can't give any guaratees. And that if I do have children, I'll need a lot of support and well, a c section.
Sorry about the long post and thanks for reading it!

DancingWind Tue 05-Jul-11 15:06:16

Just wanted to add that I feel quite guilty about my problem. I'm trying my very best to sort it out. I wouldn't enjoy subjecting some nice guy to this and putting all these conditions on the table but I'm quite helpless.sad I feel hopeless because I'm convinced I'll miss out on love because of my disorder.

TiggyD Tue 05-Jul-11 21:02:50

I'm not bothered about a biological link to a possible child. I think after a year(or whatever) of them calling you Daddy you won't be able to think of yourself in any other way.
As to what men would think of your phobia, there's a quote I really like:
"Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."(Bernard Baruch).

DancingWind Tue 05-Jul-11 21:14:28

Thank you TiggyD. That a really beautiful quote.smile

TimsterC Wed 06-Jul-11 13:51:08

Hi DancingWind,
Some men don't get the choice of their own biological children, some men go into relationships know that they will never have their own kids as their wife is not interested in children at all. My story is that after a failed marriage due to IVF and the strain that puts on the relationship/finances I remarried and we went in understanding that we wanted kids. It never happened so we have taken a lot of time to come to terms with it and we are adopting.
I know of several men who love their wives and are comfortable with the fact that their wife is in no way interested in having kids.
The fact that you do want them and will need more help than someone without tokophobia will just be what makes you unique as a couple.
I don't think it will put men off, so long as you are reasonable about explaining it to them. (Clearly not a first date conversation ;o) )
I hope you find the right man for you.
All the best.
TC ;o)

DancingWind Wed 06-Jul-11 14:41:22

TimsterC,
Thanks for answering! I hope you get a beautiful baby to love very soon. I know a lot of couples who concieved after adopting. And I dont know if this makes sense or if you are into this kind of thing but sometimes some people are destined to love a baby in need. Its pretty special if you think about itsmile
I agree completely that tokophobia is not a first date topicgrin I feel better after reading the reassuring posts here. Thanks again, I needed this as I was really low.sad

StayatHomeDad78 Wed 06-Jul-11 14:51:29

If someone loves you, it's because of who you are, not what you can do for them. Anyone who has that mixed up, obviously doesn't love you!

DancingWind Wed 06-Jul-11 15:42:04

StayatHomeDad, I thought I was being too idealistic to think like thatsmile. I'm glad someone agrees.

eeore Thu 07-Jul-11 12:00:11

I'd wait and see if you, as a couple, are fertile first and then take it from there.

As with all things n a relationship it's about working things out together.

DancingWind Thu 07-Jul-11 13:29:34

eeore, sensible and simple advice.smile But gosh, you're right, one tends to take it for granted that one will be fertile. That might not be....

MotivatedSperm Tue 12-Jul-11 12:46:20

I personally would agree with your friends view. I would struggle to start a relationship knowing that I wouldn't be able to have children of my own. Obviously if I was already in that relationship and this came to light I would have to judge the relationship on its merits.

DancingWind Thu 14-Jul-11 13:38:34

MotivatedSperm, Thanks for the honest reply. Sorry it took me so long to answer but I had forgotten about this threadblush
Just to make something clear, I didn't say that I'm not going to have children.
Just unsure about whether I can have more than one, and very sure that I want a c section!

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