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Would like the male perspective on this...

(46 Posts)
CarryingTheCanAgain Sun 26-Jun-11 11:21:34

I am desperately madly completely head over heels in love with a man who doesn't seem to feel the same... We currently consider ourselves flatmates, although we have slept together on and off ever since meeting.

The trouble is he went through an awful separation with his ex a few years ago and has had a nightmare of access issues regarding his DC ever since because his ex is a total cnut.. He's been upfront about his feelings right from the start - his ex put him off relationships and he doesn't see himself getting into that position ever again (although he occasionally softens on this point and says he might some day).

Sometimes it seems like something could happen with us - although we are just friends we quite often get really close and spend evenings cuddling etc and on the very rare occasion we even sleep together.. But then after a while things go back to normal, this platonic misery..  I'm sure he has some feelings for me but suspect they are limited to fondness rather than passion or love which breaks my heart because I truly adore him.

I don't know if I should keep hanging on to see if he'll realise I'm nothing like her and totally perfect for him or somehow separate myself from it and walk away.. We have plans to stay as flatmates for a few years as we both have plans for the future that involve saving every penny.. I cannot bear the thought of abandoning him.. 

Sorry this has gotten so long... I guess I just want someone to tell me how to stop this madness.. Or if he'll ever love me.. Please?

papaelsie Sun 26-Jun-11 11:51:30

Hmmm. First thing is - don't push it. Don't force it. Guys can back off when feeling pressured into something.

Sorry to say, but it may be that he's just not into going there with you. I know people - of both sexes - who have ocassional dalliances with their flatmates but have no intention to develop that into relationship.

Now, it may be that this guy is a slow burner and he may turn out to be a great partner for you. But I wouldn't hold out for that.

Here's the key I think: Talk! Tell him the truth. Tell him how you feel about him - you lose nothing. There's no shame in loving someone who might not return the compliment. But do so without applying pressure, so he can tell you how he feels without feeling there is a right answer. If the two of you are not on the same page, why not find a different flatmate? It would surely be more comfortable for both of you? Oh, and don't forget to LISTEN to what he says, rather than what you THINK he's saying...

Good luck. x

MotivatedSperm Mon 27-Jun-11 13:10:18

Hmmmm. I think I disagree. You have plenty to lose. Sounds a bit like he sees you as a fuck buddy and telling him you've moved on beyond this will have him bag packing in no time. Keep it subtle and see where it takes you.

Baby steps

GiveMeSomeSpace Mon 27-Jun-11 23:31:22

Only thing you've got to lose is a bit of pride IMO - and you know what they say about pride. Say what you think.

AnyFucker Mon 27-Jun-11 23:32:56

This sounds very familiar

OP have you posted before ?

CarryingTheCanAgain Tue 28-Jun-11 18:30:50

Yes, I posted this in Relationships and got a pretty resounding response from everyone on there. I just wanted to know if the guys view his behaviour any differently. I have a plan of action in mind but am flushing difficulty bribing myself to so it. I basically intend to take the decision off him - I'll tell him if by the end of our tenancy (Feb 2012) he feels no differently then I'd like us to go our separate ways. No pressure on him to feel differently and plenty of notice that he will new to find himself a new situation at the end of this tenancy. It is a shame because he needs somewhere he can have his DC come to visit him which I was the perfect flatmate for because I love children and his are lovely, but he will have to find another flatmate who won't mind their space being invaded every other weekend and 2 evenings in the week.

CarryingTheCanAgain Tue 28-Jun-11 18:32:25

*having difficulty bringing

AnyFucker Tue 28-Jun-11 21:17:46

thought so, love

Dadsnet doesn't have a great deal of traffic, tbh

try bumping later on might get some responses then

good luck x

GiveMeSomeSpace Tue 28-Jun-11 22:36:35

Repeating my earlier post - just be honest and bury your pride (obviously without grovelling) and see where he stands.

Feb 2012 is a long time to wait it out. Personally I couldn't take the turnoil of not knowing where I stood if the other party meant a lot to me. I can't hide my feelings so couldn't contemplate doing anything else.

If I were on the receiving end, I would definately not mind being asked no matter what my history - in fact I'd prefer it. Just be prepared for a response you might not like.

HTH smile

Truckrelented Tue 28-Jun-11 22:41:23

Is he after the promised land?

Sex with no commitments.

AnyFucker Tue 28-Jun-11 23:15:46


Truckrelented Tue 28-Jun-11 23:20:42

Dadsnet is a barren, joyless place.

I think they've all left. Gone to join Whatcar or something.

AnyFucker Tue 28-Jun-11 23:24:16

boring kind of joint, innit

d'ya come here often ? grin

AnyFucker Tue 28-Jun-11 23:24:44

did you used to be a poster called truckulent ?

Truckrelented Tue 28-Jun-11 23:26:53

I left and then returned. And they'd all gone.

Unquietdad, Pan, BelfastBloke, some others.

I think it's time to put the shutters up.

Truckrelented Tue 28-Jun-11 23:29:13

I was, real life called.

MN doesn't seem as funny as before, it seems quite nasty at times.

Nothing stays the same though.

AnyFucker Tue 28-Jun-11 23:31:26

Pan is now AwesomePan, and still around

BelfastBloke was around a couple of days ago

UQD....not seen for yonks

Truck...did you leave or were you erm < coughs genteely and shuffles feet > pushed ?

Truckrelented Tue 28-Jun-11 23:32:50

No I left. I was always a good boy.

AnyFucker Tue 28-Jun-11 23:36:56

Perhaps I am confusing you with someone else.

Truckrelented Tue 28-Jun-11 23:40:42

I was Truckulent and Truckulente.

I chose Truck (relented) this time, if I'd been booted off I probably would have been subtler?

I choose Truck to make it sort of obvious I'm a man without putting Dad in the name.

As in Hairytrucker.

I'm just so funny.

AnyFucker Tue 28-Jun-11 23:44:17

I dunno about the subtlety

there have banned posters who came back with only slightly changed names

AnyFucker Tue 28-Jun-11 23:45:05

girls can play with trucks too smile

Truckrelented Tue 28-Jun-11 23:46:12

Well, I've never been banned.

Feel free to check with MNHQ.

AnyFucker Tue 28-Jun-11 23:47:48

I already did wink

Truckrelented Tue 28-Jun-11 23:48:24

It's to do with posters were saying when I joined you don't know who you're talking to it could be a hairy truck driver.

Get it? I thought it was good.

It's nothing to do with toys.

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