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Hung Up On Her Past - Can't move On ?

(15 Posts)
TheRoadToHell Thu 19-May-11 01:34:47

I've recently discovered that my partner of 12 months regularly looks at the FB page of her last boyfriend before me and has also regularly been looking at the page of his current girlfriend. Neither are fb friends and she has to do a manual search to find them. He wasn't a serious boyfriend and was only around for a few months before they parted because he wasnot taking their relationship seriously.
More disturbing is that recently she's been saying how she likes me a certain way, unshaven-stubbly, hair a certain way, like me wearing jeans + T. Funnily enough when I checked the previous boyfriend out on FB myself and that's exactly how he looks.
Last weekend we had an argument whilst out. Within 30 mins of being home and within 2 minutes of her logging into FB she was again looking at his page.

Am I unduly concerned or can she just not move on from her past and is it time I became part of her past ?

pickyourbrain Thu 19-May-11 15:34:50

I am head over heels in love with my partner, I quite literally adore the man and to compare him to any of the many men in my past would be like comparing winning the lottery to losing your wallet.

However, I stalk my exs on facebook, google, linkedin.. you name it! I look at people I have been in long term relationships with and short term, hell, sometimes the name of a random one nighter pops in to my head and I see if i can track him down.

I wouldn't admit that to my partner (although if he asked me outright I wouldnt lie as I respect him) because it is a bit weird. But hey ho, it's how I get my kicks and it's not hurting anyone.

If the rest of your relationship is good, I wouldnt worry about this. The telling you how to dress thing is a red herring. It is probably just indicative of her 'type'

If she is trying to change you then I'd run a mile but if it's a case of sometimes you dress a certainw ay, and sometimes you dress another, and she comments that she prefers you one of the ways to the other - then that is obviously just her 'type' I'm sorry but she did fancy the guy at some stage, is it that unacceptable that the two of you look alike?

eeore Thu 19-May-11 17:32:48

It sounds like the pitch for a rather bad hollywood rom com.

TheRoadToHell Thu 19-May-11 17:49:00

Pickyourbrain. Is it a case of what he doesn't know doesn't hurt him? What if he did find out, would he be hurt, dissapointed, concerned ?

The 'look' thing doesn't bother me really as it could just be a 'type' thing, most of us have those. It's more the fact that every few days she'll look at him, his pictures and at the first sign of an argument she'll 'go' to him. Why does she also spend time looking at his current girlfriend ? I see that as disrespectful and hurtful to me as we've had a few problems in the past. It's confusing as she says she doesn't want anyone else in her life and wants us to be happy together, but how can we be happy if she's regulalrly thinking of an ex. Surely he's an ex because he was the past and I'm now the future?????

KindleLexi Thu 19-May-11 17:52:12

How do you know this?

TheRoadToHell Thu 19-May-11 18:24:06

Occasionally when bored I look at/clear the history/tidy up files on our PC etc. I first noticed it a couple of months ago and it's continued. It's there in black n white of where, when and how often.

pickyourbrain Fri 20-May-11 10:45:22

Hmm.. I don't think he'd be hurt. If I did think he would be wouldnt do it. He'd probably think I was a weirdo, which i'd rather he didnt think. But maybe he does it too.. How often does she do it?

I probably do it once every coulple of months.

pickyourbrain Fri 20-May-11 10:45:45

Oh... I just saw that she does it every few days... umm... that's not good.

onefish Mon 23-May-11 21:01:47

I know this goes against every bone in the male body but... have you thought about talking to her about it? In a non-confrontational, 'I couldn't help noticing' way?

AnyFucker Mon 23-May-11 21:07:35

so, she stalks her ex-bf

and you stalk her

book your slot on Jeremy Kyle, pronto

you both have issues I reckon

whatever17 Mon 13-Jun-11 01:04:10

I google ex-es and their ex-es from long ago. I am just nosy and can't resist!

mdoodledoo Sat 18-Jun-11 23:03:37

I check ex's out a bit - just for interest and nosiness really because I'm perfectly happy with my partner. But - if the ex she's looking at was a quick fling type relationship then does she consider it 'unfinished business'? It sounds like it was over too quickly for the first injection of hormones to have worn off - so maybe she's still carrying a little flame for him. If she is - it could mean absolutely nothing, but you'll never know unless you ask her about it.

If I was 'caught' looking at ex's stuff online I'd feel a bit daft, be a bit apologetic and a bit embarrassed, nothing too serious but really not wanting my DP to get in a tizzy about it. If she's got something to feel a bit guilty about then maybe you could tell from her reaction. But - she may just be pissed off that you've been snooping into what she's looking at online. A grey area for sure, but you're on dodgy ground!

Bast Wed 22-Jun-11 10:42:36

What could any of us tell you that she couldn't tell you herself? Talk with her.

What she's doing sounds quite obsessive but how often do you check up on her? Are you becoming obsessive too?

Don't get drawn into the weirdness, just talk. There is no benefit to your relationship whatsoever in continuing to watch her, watching him.

UrsulaBuffay Wed 22-Jun-11 10:43:46

I facebook stalk some weird ex neighbours we had.

Women are nosy!

Bast Wed 22-Jun-11 10:45:02

Ok, you've talked. Regardless of your feelings, she continues. What would you advise anyone else to do in your situation?

(...and what do you mean by 'she goes to him'?)

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