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Speak to new fathers on our Dads forum.

Dadsnet

A mans perspective/advice re ahem.... Getting funky or not as the case may be....

14 replies

notremotelyintofootie · 27/01/2011 19:28

Hi,

Don't want to intrude on you guys but would really appreciate some male perspective....

Been with dh for about 4 years now, both late 30's and both had a child before, mine is now 11 his will be 16 soon... And of course both had relationships etc before...

Dh moved in quite quickly with me and ds but it was good and we married quite quickly... I'm a 'spirited' woman who can be a bit feisty and fairly independent and we have decent chats etc about all sorts of things, and I would say I am also a fairly sensual person but dh has always seemed to have a lower 'drive' than me... This has gotten worse since we had dd 14 months ago and now I am lucky if he feels up for it once a month...

I try and initiate it loads but get told that it puts him off and yet if I don't then we don't iyswim...

Dh does drink a couple of pints regularly and works hard (but has lie ins 3-5 times a week!) and I sleep alot less, what do you guys think could be the problem and from a male point of view how can I encourage more 'action' without making him feel pressured?

Ta very much!

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eeore · 28/01/2011 13:57

Dress him in a nightie.

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stoppedlurking · 29/01/2011 08:15

I would tell him how you feel and what you want as well as what he wants, no secrets we are all different but talking seems to be the thing.

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Saltatrix · 29/01/2011 13:19

Okay he could just have a low sex drive it seems from your post that he has always had a lower sex drive than you?

He may just be tired you say he works hard well that would probably be a good reason for wanting a lie in.

My advice is to talk to him communication is probably the most important thing in relationships people seem to forget that part.

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notremotelyintofootie · 29/01/2011 16:06

Thanks, I try and talk to him but he just moans that I 'keep going on at him' even if I haven't mentioned it for months!

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Saltatrix · 29/01/2011 17:50

I suppose you can come at it from a different angle rather than talking about it as though there is a problem you can try engaging by asking him what he likes and telling him your likes and stuff you would like to do etc(new things maybe?)

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eeore · 29/01/2011 18:18

I still think you are better off finding out if he's got a fetish - check his internet history if you want to be obsessive about it. It needn't be wearing a nightie, it could any number of things - obviously if it's something you don't want to go along with that's a different matter

Frankly the last thing that will be any use is talking about things - someone mentioned above about being honest and revealing secrets etc - supposing he takes you at your word and turns around and says, "I've given you a kid, I'm doing my bit around the house, and as much as a I love you I just don't want to have sex with you"... and then reels off a list of the reasons he doesn't want to have sex with you, one of which is you keep nagging him and he's sick and tired of always having to do things your way. Oh and whenever he has tried to initiate sex, you have rebuffed him (for perfectly ligitimate reasons relating to parenting/tiredness/etc), so he's just given up now and would rather get his kicks from Cinderella's: Men Who Like To Carry Sleeping Women.... or whatever.

Not that he will say this of course. Instead he'll say what he thinks you want to hear, and if that fails he will agree with you for the sake of an easy life.

And before long he'll want a shed. Or just stay down the pub longer for a bit of peace and quiet.

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Toadinthehole · 30/01/2011 02:28

Could depend on how you initiate..

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eeore · 30/01/2011 15:36

Toadinthehole

Well obviously...

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Butterbur · 30/01/2011 15:43

Is morning sex a complete non-starter? Most blokes wake up with a hard-on. Can't you get the 11 year old, or 16 year old to look after the baby, and have a lie in with him for half an hour once a week or so?

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notremotelyintofootie · 30/01/2011 21:18

Thanks for the comments... How do I initiate it? Well a sly hand under the covers but not too obvious! Lol

Mornings.... Mmm well he does say he is a morning person on that sense but whenever I try and start anything he's too tired but then he prefers to stay in bed until 10-11 when not on an early which doesn't really work as I am either needing to go to work or dealing with dd, dsd doesn't live here and when she stays dh doesn't want to anything in case she hears..... He won't let ds look after dd either....

No shed but he does go to the pub a few times a week.... Mmm

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eeore · 30/01/2011 23:29

Not being nosey....

But I am assuming that you were at it like rabbits when you first got together. What kicked it off then?

I don't want an answer to that question.

I am simply asking if perhaps rather than thinking that grabbing him slyly under the covers or jumping on his dawn horn - both of which are going to leave you feeling more rejected if they fail - that you might be better off thinking about what it was that attracted you in the first place, and trying to recapture that.

Nothing is more sexy than a confident woman. And nothing is less sexy than a woman with 'the face'.

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Toadinthehole · 02/02/2011 09:59

My DW normally tells me early in the evening that she fancies a bit of action later on.

I generally don't feel up to it at all when she says this, but I've normally got with the programme a couple of hours on. Try that.

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ursusnix · 03/03/2011 11:08

Ok, personally I hate predictability, and for some (me included) bed = sleep, and this simple parental man-gramming isnt easily overriden.

Take a look at what you're doing, and see if it has a pattern - it could well be, either in what you're doing, or what you do to initiate, a quick review could show new ways and opportunities.

Also, you mention split shifts - if he's on a yankee shift pattern (1 week rolling early, late, night, or split) then his bodyclock is all over the chart, and contrary to popular belief tired men tend to be grumpy, and grumpy does not equate to being Mr Fabulous with his funk on.

He's also probably worrying a bit about what the future holds - newborns tend to make you reflect abit, and he may be secretly deeply concerned about coercion into the sterile man club. Nothing like the anxiety of that (or another baby) to put you right off your stride.

Take time out with him, and pamper each other, make each other feel great, and provide a good chunk of time to talk.

U