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need a non resident dads opinion please

(8 Posts)
xBabyGirlx Fri 12-Nov-10 05:09:51

I suffer from Chronic Kidney disease and need to take meds and rest frequently. I asked Ex to have the 2 girls (age 7 & 5) for 3 weekends a month to help me rest. He refused insisting every other is most he can do (also takes them for 2 weeks / year).

As I will require hospitilisation it is important the children are used to a routine and are comfortable with where they are sleeping so my parents have offered to take them for the 3 weekends I asked of the ex. they are happy for ex to have the girls during this time he just needs to arrange it with them.

The last 2 occasions the ex has had girls for weekend he has worked on the saturday leaving them with baby sitters ( yet he never asked to see them the following weekend when he was out with his GF) and he doesn;t take them anywhere - not even the park which is free - so when they come home they are overly excitable and much harder work than usual.
whereas my parents have been doing lots of activities with the children when they go there, country walks, the park, simply collecting leaves in the garden.

We are in court on the 16 Dec for a contact order review (which I instigated so he couldn't mess the children about) and he is going to now claim i have been difficult with letting him see the children and am doing it for the money.

The CSA now claim the money directly off him as he stopped paying Ime in sept for no apparent reason and by using them i can ensure no contact between us therefore no arguments.

By asking him to have the girls more I thought I was trying to ensure they saw as much of each other as possible which in turn would have significantly reduced the maintenance payments? or have i made a mistake somewhere?

Sorry its so long, there;s probably lots more i could add but i will if necessary! THIA

Niceguy2 Fri 12-Nov-10 08:10:45

The bottom line is that he's not very interested in having the kids more as it will impact his social life.

It's all too common for NRP's (usually dad's) whom get used to living an ordered life, where money, responsibility isnt a big concern. They have the kids when it suits them, leaving the drudgery, routine, responsibility and discipline to the resident parent.

Of course he can't come out and say that he can't be bothered. So excuses are usually that he has to work so its not his problem. But at the same time if we as RP's wanted to use that same excuse, somehow thats not his problem too.

At the end of the day, you can lead a horse to water but you can't make it drink. Since you have parents willing to help, I'd suggest you save yourself the time & aggro of trying to make your ex step up.

The court case is a bit misguided imo. Having a contact order does not mean he won't mess them about. And no court in the land can make him have them more than he is prepared to. If he does claim you are stopping him having contact then just offer him more. Then watch him come up with all sorts of reasons why not in court and wait for the judge to rip him a new one.

StewieGriffinsMom Fri 12-Nov-10 08:16:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

xBabyGirlx Fri 12-Nov-10 08:44:20

thank you for your comments. The court order was the only way I could see to make sure he had no more hold over me and ensure zero contact between us same as CSA.

It just makes me sad that there are dads out there who would give anything to see more of their children and those that get the chance don't want it.

Thank you again, It helps to get an outside perspective.

stubbornhubby Fri 12-Nov-10 13:51:03

OK but your problem is those three weekends-in-a-row. If he has them every-other, then one of those weekends (perhaps even two) is 'his' weekend.

in the interests of continuity you want the kids to be stable while you are in hospital. because EH won't have them, you are going to ask him NOT to have them on a weeeknd that is technically 'his'. that's presuambly the /making it difficult for him/ he will bring up in court.

hmm... so you might have to let the kids go to him, and forego the contiuty.

xBabyGirlx Fri 12-Nov-10 15:29:03

Stubbornhubby - I know what you mean, and in all honesty it really annoys me that my parents are willing to do all they can to help me (for which I am eternally grateful) but when it comes down to it the ex will prob get it his way so that the girls fit in around him.
Then again, thats part of the reason we split in the first place so it shouldn;t still surprise me .
Its a shame really because in a few years the girls will want to do other activities and he will have lost out on so much precious time.
I wish I didn;t care enough to let that bother me! thank you for your response

QueenofWhatever Fri 12-Nov-10 20:36:57

What NiceGuy2 said.

My ex is like this, just less blatant and more governed by social convention. I am on the verge of turning him over to the CSA and have legal contact arrangements (although not via a court). We plan far in advance and he seems unbothered that he won't be seeing DD for all of Feb 2011.

Concentrate on making your family the happiest it can be. I'm sorry your kids have got a rubbish dad too.

xBabyGirlx Sun 14-Nov-10 17:04:31

Thanks Queen - It's sad that so many dad's out there are fighting for what our ex's don't appreciate.
I know that court seems a drastic action and maybe a bit ott, but for me personally it was the last resort as I was getting so ill through the stress. In an ideal world it would be amicable but we don;t live in an ideal world do we!! thanks everyone for your comments and words of support x

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