Tinder sexual assault

[Maybelle85]

Hello. This is my first post and the incident in question only happened last night so please bare with me. This is very long.

I met a man on Tinder 3 weeks ago.
We instantly connected when we met and I felt very comfortable with him. We ended up having sex on the first night. I'm not gonna lie, it was great. He was attentive, respectful and really passionate which after 8 years of stale sex in a (recently ended) marriage was very exciting. He told me about his sexual experience and it's fair to say he has way more sexual experience than I and has been very experimental. All of which appealed to me as we seemed to be bonding well and I wanted to be more liberated in sex.

He rang me the day after and was again lovely, enthusiastic and expressing interest in meeting me again.

I met him last week and he seemed a little different. In hindsight, maybe more aggressive. He definitely likes rough sex, which tbh I also enjoy. At the time I put the change in personality and rougher foreplay down to my own insecurities and lack of experience with that kind of thing.

I met up with him again last night. It was clear from the moment he picked me up that he wasn't the same guy as the first time I met him. He seemed wired and pumped up on adrenaline.

He works in mental health and deals with dangerous patients and he told me that he had been attacked that day at work by a patient and had been sent home. Again I pushed my gut instict aside and put his change in demeanor down to that.

When we got back to his flat it became clear he had been drinking. I felt so stupid not listening to my gut reaction and felt such an idiot for getting into a car with him. Looking back, I should have ended the night there.

The feelings of comfort and safety that I had on the first meeting were beginning to fade as he incoherently rambled on about his work and his colleagues being inferior to him and how he'd step all over them to be the ward manager. Also talking of his time in the army and how he could have gone further if he hadn't been injured.
Eventually he mellowed and we chatted nicely about other things

Anyway, we soon started having sex despite my trepidation (I feel so ridiculous for this) and this time he was alot more aggressive. He was very rough I and wasn't enjoying it.

I was gonna tell him I needed a break but he forcefully started to insert his fingers into me which was extremely painful.

I told him to stop and he wouldn't. At one point telling me to "shut the fuck up" . The pain was that intense I was crying and begging him to get off.
I was 100% convinced he was going to rape me.

Somehow, with my struggling to get away and his weight, the sofa over balanced and that gave me the chance to get to my feet and get my clothes on, still crying.

At this point he became all concerned asking what was wrong and telling me he hadn't heard me say stop and he thought my screams were through pleasure.

I was (still am) terrified. I was convinced he was still gonna rape me. Especially when I said I wanted leave to which his response was "I can't find my keys" with a slight smirk.
It was at this point I thought my only option was to back down and play dumb and makeout that I was over reacting. Things at this point are hazy but we somehow had random conversations about other women he'd slept with since meeting me and him telling me I was too clingy and he was really annoyed by it. But this soon turned into him breaking down in tears and apologising and telling me how damaged he is. By this point I knew something is not mentally right with him but he admitted that he has been waiting for 3 months (this then changed to 6 within a few minutes) for a psychology appt to address his PTSD.

He then went in to tell me his dad murdered his mum when he was 4, after which he was adopted. Apparently his ex still has his adoption and birth certificate and he hates her more than life itself. Then admitting he wanted to kill her for various other reasons none of which made much sense.

It dawned in me at this point that during our discussion after he assaulted me, I noticed a kitchen knife on the top of the fridge which I hadn't noticed earlier. This could be coincidence and my mind seeing things differently in an emotionally heightened situation.

I ended up staying the night as I had no way of getting out without angering him further and no other option at 2am with no money and 20 miles from my place.
Eventually he calmed down and went to sleep but needless to say I didn't.

This morning everything was calm. He addressed what had happened and apologised for hurting me but said if I'd never been "fisted" before then it would hurt. I just nodded and agreed.
I went to work but left at 12 telling them that I was ill.

I am petrified. I genuinely the guy has psychopathy or NPD. Throughout our meetings he has picked me up from my address and knows where I live.

I am embarrased and feel so stupid. At 34 yrs old I can't believe I have put myself in this position.
I don't want to tell friends as I have told them how wonderful he is and and feel even more stupid to admit I got it wrong. It's the classic thing that everyone warns you about with online dating and I have fallen for it.

I still feel numb and I am partly writing this to get the situation in my head and try to make me aware that it happened (that's a weird feeling to describe). And I am. Now also questioning, was it sexual assault? or was it rape?

Either way I'm not taking it further. I just need to write it down and get it out to people who don't know me

[Wintersnowdrop]

That sounds horrific. I think you need to report it to the police.

[VioletVerity]

Oh OP I wish I could give you a real life hug!

You were definitely raped, you told him no and he continued. I can't even begin to imagine the fear you felt going through this. Has he been in touch since? I would definitely say it's worth speaking to a trusted, close friend in real life too.

[HollowTalk]

You need to call the police, OP. Call a friend to be with you but please do tell the police. That is terrifying.

[T0tallyFuckedUpFamily]

That’s fucking horrific OP and I completely understand why you acted the way you did, afterwards. It sounds like you could have been in even more danger if you hadn’t ‘played along’ in order to save yourself. You should be very proud of your sharp thinking under that pressure, though I can understand that’s probably furthest from your mind at the minute.

Are you up to reporting it or do you just need to talk? Do what YOU want and not what anyone else is going to tell you.

[user14928465]

You don't have to go to the police unless that's what you want. You can go to a SARC without having to involve the police.

Rape Crisis are also there for you.

I'm sorry this happened to you. It wasn't your fault. You didn't deserve it.

[Maybelle85]

Thank you. Your messages are helping. Also helping it to sink in. Thanks for the SARC and Rape Crisis info.
I also feel as if I need to get checked out because I have been in pain today. But worried that if I do then medics are duty bound to report to the police.
I think I will eventually tell my best friend but I need to digest it myself first.

[Bluetoothbitch]

Op what he has done is not ok and does sound like assault, sounds really scary. It makes sense that you used your skill to be friendly and appease him to keep yourself safe.
Rape crisis will give you advice, and I’m sure you will be able to get medical advice and it be kept confidential- hopefully someone will
come along soon who knows.
take care Op.

[toothfairy73]

OP I hope you are ok. I've only just seen this. The decision to report is entirely yours. I'm glad you are in touch with SARC / rape crisis.

You May find this website useful. It is something I and 4 other survivors set up, if you need support please contact us xx


warriorwoman.blog/