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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. For free advice contact Victim Support.https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. For free advice contact Victim Support.https://www.victimsupport.org.uk/

Victims of crime

Domestic violence with child protection services involved

51 replies

Jadecali · 12/08/2018 15:04

Hi, i am currently pregnant with twins. around a month ago when i was 16 weeks pg me and my partner had an argument/fight that got out of hand. He had slapped me round the back of the head and threatened me with more physical violence. I called the police and moved to my mums for a few weeks. The police said social services were contacted. In my police interview i had told them my partner had been abusive in the past. This was at the start of the relationship and usually it was just arguments that we have both been as bad as each other in and wound each other up to the point of screaming and pushing. Anyway since then no charges have been made and my partner got no further action. We are back living together and things are going a lot better. We both have agreed to stop pushing each others buttons. I had a child support officer round last week and she seemed really concerned that there would be more domestic abuse/violence and she will be possibly applying for a section 47. I know they have the babies best interests in mind but im so scared that they are going to try and take them away. I really dont want to stress at this time while im pregnant. My partner already has an 8 year old who we have joint custody for and she wasnt here on the day of the argument. But he is a great dad to her and i have no fear that her or my twins are in any danger. We have never argued around the 8 year old and we both would put the twins before ourselves. We just have heated moments every once in a while that we really want to work on as we want to be a family. Does anyone have any stories/advice please. I just want to know there could be a positive outcome really? Thanks

OP posts:

Report

SmileSweetly · 12/08/2018 15:13

You are planning on living with your babies in the home with a domestic abuser. It is the right thing that child protection services are involved, somebody has to put your babies safety first if it is not going to be you.

LIZS · 12/08/2018 15:20

Be prepared to be under ss scrutiny longer term and potentially have them involved with the babies from birth. You need to clearly demonstrate that their welfare is your priority, even if means leaving your partner, and follow through on advice given and support offered. Instances of dv are rarely one offs and your perspective of what is acceptable and normal may be skewed.

Jadecali · 12/08/2018 15:29

My babies safety is my number 1 priority. And this is the reason i left and went to my mums house as soon as things got out of hand. This was the first time it had got physical. But i would leave my partner if i felt the babies were in any danger or harm. However i dont feel breaking up our family when the babies havent come to any harm is fair on anybody including the babies. And i am hoping this isnt going to be the only option for us

OP posts:

YeTalkShiteHen · 12/08/2018 15:32

My babies safety is my number 1 priority

No they’re not, not if you stay.

This was the first time it had got physical

There’s always a first time OP, but you’ll never know if it was the last.

But i would leave my partner if i felt the babies were in any danger or harm

They’re in your belly and he hit you, which you don’t seem to understand put them in danger.

Hercules12 · 12/08/2018 15:32

Oh dear, op. This will never end will or be ok. You either leave now or wait till it happens again. It will happen again.

YeTalkShiteHen · 12/08/2018 15:33

However i dont feel breaking up our family when the babies havent come to any harm is fair on anybody including the babies

You don’t think him hitting you was harmful?

Margaurette · 12/08/2018 15:34

You should be extremely concerned.

Tiny babies, however much you love them, mean exhaustion, loss of control and stress.

Your partner has shown you that when he gets into situations he doesn't like, he is violent.

He will be in many situations like this if he lives with babies, so you should expect him to be more violent, either to you or to your tiny babies.

If you continue to live with him, you are deliberately putting them in danger.

Listen to social services.

FissionChips · 12/08/2018 15:36

This was the first time it had got physical

Didn’t you say you told police he was abusive in the past, including pushing?

SmileSweetly · 12/08/2018 15:39

I don't feel breaking up our family when the babies havent come to any harm is fair

^

Are you waiting until they do come to harm before you leave, how can hitting their mother while pregnant not be harmful?

Please understand your sense of what is right or wrong is greatly skewed.

Saying you have both decided 'not to push each other's buttons' is excusing him and taking shared responsibility for the fact he is a wife beater.

PotteringAlong · 12/08/2018 15:40

My babies safety is my number 1 priority

Then leave. Do whatever social services ask of you to prove tht you can keep them safe.

LIZS · 12/08/2018 15:41

Waiting until harm is done will be too late. "Harm" is often done long before there are obvious physical injuries. He could have hurt them by getting physical with you.

OverByYer · 12/08/2018 15:42

Hi it does sound like you are minimising your partners behaviour.

However a Section 47 investigation doesn’t meant that you will have your children taken off you.
It does mean that Social Services will undertake an assessment of you and your partners parenting.
There are several outcomes to this, the children could be placed on the CP register, you might be asked to do some parenting work, there might be no action taken at all.
Their priority is the babies welfare and if you demonstrate to themthat that is your priority too, then all should be ok.

dangerrabbit · 12/08/2018 15:43

You need to comply with children’s services OP otherwise expect your children to be put on the CP register.

Jadecali · 12/08/2018 15:47

I understand that him hitting me is unacceptable. And i also know how my judgement on what is normal or acceptable would seem clouded due to me loving my partner. But the hit was a slap round the back of the head. Something that did not hurt me at all. My mother has me hit round the head harder. It was more the shock that made me call the police. Am i really that wrong for wanting to work on things and be a family?

OP posts:

BitchPeas · 12/08/2018 15:48

He hit you whilst you were pregnant. You could have fallen on to your stomach or anything really! He doesn’t give a shit about your babies safety no matter what line he’s now spinning you!

Put your babies first and leave him.

LIZS · 12/08/2018 15:52

Sounds like you find it hard to recognise red flags if your mum , who you took refuge with, has also struck you.

flametrees · 12/08/2018 15:54

Co operate with social services. They will have the babies best interests at heart. It doesn't sound like you are going to leave so please be honest with them so they case help you be safe.

SoftSheen · 12/08/2018 15:59

It is NEVER all right for someone to hit you around the back of the head, and the fact that you are pregnant only makes it worse. Not only were you placed at risk of injury, but the babies were too.

In a few months time you will have two babies to take care of, which would place a lot of pressure on even the best of relationships. You need to leave him NOW, before the violence escalates.

runbeerrunbeer · 12/08/2018 16:08

I'm worried that you say your mum has hit you harder. Please be very honest with social care as it sounds like you have a skewed picture. Most parents don't hit their child like this. What else are you normalising based on your past?

I have had a number of differences of opinions with my husband but he would never hit me, nor shout at me. When pregnant, he would nurture and care for me.

Pregnancy is a high risk time for domestic abuse. Research suggests dv has been a feature of a relationship many many times before the 1st phone call to the police.

I expect you're scared that if you have to leave your OH that it would be difficult to care for twins alone. however, social care need to know that you are able to protect and you are risking a CP plan if you don't take this seriously

Jadecali · 12/08/2018 16:29

I am working with social services and i am taking this seriously. I have agreed to do what is nessesary to keep them safe. I have told them everything that has happened. I have a lot of support from family and friends and would cope fine on my own. But like i said i think it would be best for all of us to be a family. Of course only if the babies are safe. And i believe they are safe. If anything was to ever happen again i would call the police again.

OP posts:

YeTalkShiteHen · 12/08/2018 16:32

But the hit was a slap round the back of the head

It’s very rarely anything else the first time. It’s how it started with my XH, a cuff round the ear.

It escalated over a couple of years to the point where I believe he would have killed me if DS1 hadn’t seen it one day. That was my lightbulb moment, my child being affected.

I should have left the first time.

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 12/08/2018 16:38

Can you see that lots of posters are in agreement that you're in a very dangerous situation?
It's not often everyone agrees like that.

What support have you had for the domestic abuse?
Have you sought support from women's aid? Have you looked at the Freedom Programme?

Social services don't say these things lightly. As long as you don't seem to recognise the danger you are in, they will remain concerned.

StillMissV · 12/08/2018 16:54

I'd also point out that you need to also consider the emotional harm caused by a mother living under the threat of physical violence. It's not just their physical safety at stake here

runbeerrunbeer · 12/08/2018 16:58

You'd call the police again, but would you leave him? Important question. The stress of dv can have significant consequences for babies in the womb, it's not just about the impact of being exposed to it when born.

Like others I'd suggest you get help to understand the features of DV and how it can manifest, how victims minimise and justify and how pregnancy and babies can be a high risk time. I'd also want to find out more about why his last relationship ended and if he has any previous police call outs or convictions for this with previous partners. Assume he was with his ex when their now 8 year old was small?

cestlavielife · 12/08/2018 16:58

My mother has me hit round the head harder.

That does not make it ok!

Are you both going on anger management and parenting courses?

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