I cant stop spending

[ANiceLuxury]

I cant stop spending money. I get a courier delivery daily and i need to stop.

Its mainly children's things yet they have loads of clothes etc and dont need an more yet im trawling through websites buying clothing they dont need.

I grew up skint. My father was a drinking and spent £60 a week in the pub (this was 35 years ago) and left my mum with hardly any money. No money to get the bus anywhere or have a cup of tea in a cafe etc.

Shoes were cheap that hurt my feet (they were never comfortable)

Clothes were handed down from neighbours that i never liked.

So now as an adult with 2 children i cant stop spending on them.

Im constantly checking their shoes to make sure they fit and always asking them if they are comfortable etc.

I replace things that have nothing wrong with them as i ve seen something nicer.

Its very wasteful and im spending about £2000 a month more than necessary. Its money that could be put to better use or saved for a rainy day.

Theres always something i think i need (well i want it but when i think about it i dont actually need it)

I have no debt but really need to stop wasting money

[AFairlyHardAvocado]

You need to spend some of that money on counselling OP - I bet working through past trauma and gaining some control back by understanding your own behaviour would be so helpful.

At the moment you may not be able to stick to it but get some cash out every Monday (or twice a week or whatever), challenge yourself to only spend that and then if you make it a week (or a smaller goal) then reward yourself with one really nice thing. You'll still save money even if you do this once a week. Or you can keep it all together and it could pay for something like a holiday. Physically seeing money going in and out as cash sometimes helps as online payments feel so easy and instant.

It's horrible feeling out of control, especially when you know you're doing it but feel unable to stop. I hope you can find some coping mechanisms.

[ANiceLuxury]

I had CBT and the lady said that as i wasn't getting into debt and it wasn't causing problems anywhere then it wasn't an issue.

I feel that as time as gone on (i saw her about 3.5 years ago) my spending has just slowly got worse.

It doesnt help that i rarely go in a store, its all online

[AFairlyHardAvocado]

Ok but you saw one lady, look for others to see - you have funds to do this because you are spending them it's just you're currently spending them on other stuff.

I needed counselling for various very traumatic life events. CBT didn't work for me at all but through trial, error and hard work I've had a couple of counsellors over the years who have helped me hugely.

You say it's got worse and want help but are you not willing to try suggestions to do so?

[Danielcarlolo1990]

Frankly speaking, I have the same problem. I understand that soon we will have a baby and we have to save money. But I can't help buying new unnecessary things.

[gospelsinger]

I suspect the.only way is cold turkey. Get Christmas out of the way and then try a no spend January.

[CalmFizz]

It sounds like your fathers addiction was drink.

Your addiction is shopping. You get a high from searching and making the purchases and unwrapping the newest thing.

[egontoste]

The counsellor you saw was wrong. It is causing problems, isn't it? You know you have an addiction, you know you need help and have come on here asking for advice.

The best advice I ever got was from a friend - she reached into my handbag, got out my credit card and cut it up in front of me. That was in the days before there was so much online shopping though, but you know what you need to do.

Take it in 5 minute chunks. Say to yourself, I'll give it 5 minutes before I look for things to buy. When the 5 minutes is up, say to yourself that wasn't so bad, I'll wait another 5 minutes. Each time you are waiting, go and do something - put a load of washing on, stroke the cat, make a cup of tea, check the weather forecast, get on with whatever you are supposed to be doing at work, anything. Fill your time and your mind in other ways.

[Foghead]

You said that it’s money that could be put up better use or saved got a rainy day.
Sort out a direct debit to a savings account.
What are the better uses? Start working towards that.

Your children don’t need all this stuff.
You’re using shopping to fulfil a need. A good counsellor would have helped you to deal with this issue, not dismissed it because you’re not in debt.

[Bluewavescrashing]

It's very addictive OP. Sounds like you need to make changes for your own mental health.

Why not distract yourself from online shopping by going through what you already have and organising your kids' wardrobes etc? Maybe sell on outgrown stuff or give to charity. You will probably find stuff you've forgotten about and realise how much is already there.

Decluttering deincentivises spending because you often realise how little something has been used. It's common to obsess over wanting a particular thing but then actually realise it wasn't worth it.

Also the effort required to get rid of stuff deincentivises spending. It's a hassle.

I agree with pps about trying a different counselling option. Treat yourself in different ways- a nice cake from the bakery, a hot bath, planning a meal out with friends etc.

[NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1]

Hi OP, just wanted to say that there has never been a better time to cut spending and be frugal. there are literally dozens of Instagram, facebook, blogs and youtube videos to subscribe too about frugal living and getting out of debt.

sign up for as many as you like, keep reading them and eventually you get sucked in and stopped spending unnecessarily. Its supportive too, like it understands that you spend because companies encourage it in sneaky ways etc etc.

Get yourself signed up, if you can't find any ask me and i'll give you some links but there are literally hundreds.

[kitkat6]

If you can afford to spend the money give yourself permission to spend a certain amount e.g. from £2000 to £1000 for two months. Give yourself time to realise that your children will still love you if you spend less and will still be happy. Then keep reducing your spending plan to a level you are happy with.
From a financial advice point of you if you are not going into debt that is great from a coaching point of view you are unhappy with your emotional need to spend and that will take time to adjust. Change is hard, small changes make it easier to stick to.

[PatriciaBateman]

I found myself doing this exact thing out of a kind of mixture of boredom and anxiety.

I ended up doing my usual browsing/reading reviews, but when I get to the point that normally I'd buy it - instead I take a screenshot and file it in a word document with the price next to it.

At the end of the week, I go through the list (with my weekly allowance I've given myself), and decide what I really want from it that fits within the allowance.

I can carry stuff forward to the next week if I think I still want it but can't afford it. But I've surprised myself with how often I've looked at the list, thought 'what was I thinking?' and deleted 95% of it.

[PatriciaBateman]

Forgot to add that I started doing this because I realised I didnt even care about the parcels actually arriving.

The benefit of the spending was all in the browsing and choosing for me (something relaxing about it), so I haven't had to give that part up.

We may be coming at it with different drives, but thought it worth putting out what worked for me.