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OH being controlling over money in the run up to mat leave

(16 Posts)
Pollymae1991 Fri 22-Sep-17 13:30:14

Hi all,

Not sure if I am posting in the right place.

I'm due to go on maternity leave in February next year with my first so we have started to re-shuffle finances to accommodate the expense of a child plus the reduced income I will be on.

Over the past few weeks OH has been overly concerned about my debt.

Just a bit of background, we are new home owners and both on a decent income. He has a car on finance which is pretty expensive.

We live comfortable and can afford everything, bills, mortgage, food everything even on my reduced mat leave wages.

So he's been obsessed with me paying off my debt. The debt is not a large amount, is under control and only costs me a small amount direct debit each month and it's completely manageable.

The problem is that OH is now saying he wants it paid off and if I don't sort it out he will pay for it himself.

While we share all of our money, I am really against this for personal reasons.

The main reason is that for the past few months OH has been moaning that I don't earn enough (as I've said, we really do not struggle for money and I work full time) and saying how his mates wives earn a lot etc and all have nice cars blah blah blah and saying there is no excuses for me to pull my finger out and get a better job.

This is fine however now that I'm about to have a baby and go on maternity leave bettering my career really is the last thing on my mind right now! All I want and am focusing on is a happy healthy baby at this stage.

He's on my back almost daily now about my debt, and my salary and I'm getting really down and depressed.

He has helped me out with money before in the past however he always uses this against me. Hence why I want to pay off my debt myself and not him because I don't want to feel dented to him.

The question is am I within my rights to stand up to him and tel him I DONT want him to pay my debt and I want to pay for it myself in my own time? I have had money troubles in the past and this time I really want to learn my lesson that I need to pay for this myself and get myself out of this mess.

Can anyone advise? I want to stand up for myself.

I'm dreading mat leave now I feel he's just going to pick on me further about money.

I just feel so low and down and every time he mentions money I just feel demoralised even though I work my butt off at work every week which I've found much harder being pregnant sad

Pollaidh Fri 22-Sep-17 14:41:38

I think you'd get a lot more responses on AIBU.

Can't be sure without knowing full situation but this sounds like it's heading towards financial abuse. Especially the fact he's paid off your debt in the past and then used it against you. It's sadly quite common for previously apparently nice partners to become abusive during pregnancy or once you have children together.

He might be trying to take pressure off you by paying off that debt (if he can, and if it means paying less off in total/long-term), which would be nice, but not if he uses it against you, and not combined with these digs about your earning power.

This is what a nice, normal partner would do:
- Money is family money. You each make a proportional contribution to the family costs (not equal, proportional to your different incomes).
- His proportion increases during mat leave, and you have equivalent sums to spend on yourselves, from the main pot. You don't want to have to ask permission for new clothes etc.
- He should be worried about you tiring yourself out whilst pregnant. He should NOT be putting more pressure on you.
- As long as you can afford what you need for necessities then it should come down to whether you enjoy your job, is it fulfilling? Does it offer paid maternity leave and flexible hours which are worth a lot more than higher salaries once you've got kids.
- This is not the moment to start looking for higher paid jobs anyway. Most places won't take you if you're visibly pregnant, and you stand to risk any maternity benefits you have in your current job - a new job contract will probably state you need to be working there x months before getting pregnant to be eligible for mat pay!
- It doesn't matter that other people's wives earn more.

Of course you can refuse to let him pay off YOUR debt, and given what you've said about how he then uses it against you, I'd probably refuse to. But I think you may have bigger problems about control in this relationship.

Pollymae1991 Fri 22-Sep-17 14:59:07

Thanks Pollaidh,

To be honest it's just nice to get it off my chest.

My job isn't bad paid, in fact it's quite high for the area. And yes, I actually do enjoy working here and have lovely colleagues and they have been very professional in the way they handled my pregnancy in terms of letting me know all about the mat pay, giving me a risk assessment as soon as they found out, asking me if I need extra breaks etc and no hesitation to let me have time off work for appointments etc with midwife and they trust me because they never ask for proof.

I see what you are saying, OH's point of view is that he isn't happy about the internet etc on the loan. We have furniture in finance as we just moved house but that doesn't concern him because the interest is 0%.

I see his point, it would be better paid off however I let him pressure me into him paying bit off for me last time and he will use that against me and throw it in my face anytime we have a fight and I deeply regret even letting him do it.

Sounds like a dream come true doesn't ky? Someone offering to get you out of debt but it's not at all because I just want to be left alone to deal with it myself and not be made to feel like a liability while doing so.

And I have made an effort, budgeting and cancelling things we don't use, selling all o can on eBay etc and am taking it very seriously but there is only so much you can do.

I've never defaulted on payments in my life, not rent, mortgage, loans, credit cards, phone contracts, utility bills nothing I'm always 100% up to date and currently have an "excellent 995/999 credit score on Experian.

I just feel miserable I'm sat at work and I'm fat and tired and I don't even want to go home for the weekend because he will be there waiting with the inevitable "money" talk.

If it's not about my loan it's about other stuff he wants us to buy for the house but can't and it would help if I got a better job.

Just feel miserable!

ScrubbyGarden Fri 22-Sep-17 22:18:13

Christ "all his friends wives"?!? That is teenage talk!
Have you spoken about how this is making you feel? You probably both have some big baby anxieties to talk through and How Will We Cope Financially is clearly a biggy for your DP. That and How Will We Keep Up With The Joneses...

Fluffycloudland77 Fri 22-Sep-17 22:25:55

He's not coming accross well is he?.

Are all his friends wives CEOs?

I may be going against the grain here but I would let him pay it off if it bothers him so much and if he brought it up afterwards I would tilt head and calmly repeat as often as required, "well you did offer darling". He's being a dickhead, its family money and you have a baby coming, stop worrying about him, just look after yourself. Good luck with your pregnancy!

2014newme Sat 23-Sep-17 13:18:42

Let him pay it off

DamnDeDoubtanceIsSpartacus Sat 23-Sep-17 13:18:48

I'd ask for this to be moved to relationships if I were you op smile

By the way, he is behaving like a tosser.

Notears Sat 23-Sep-17 13:24:52

Why does he want you to get a better job when you are about to go on maternity leave? When is he expecting you to apply/go for interviews/start a new job?

OfficerVanHalen Sat 23-Sep-17 13:27:55

He is being a real arsehole and i'm sorry but it doesn't bode well for the future 'pull your finger out'??? Ffs really?

If i were you op i would open a bank account he doesn't know about and start stashing cash in it because men like this only ever get worse Ine. I would seriously consider the future with him - he sounds horrible.

Re the debt (which is actually the least of your worries) could you do that thing where you get a 0% interest credit card and pay it off and then keep moving it around using different 0% introductory offers till it's paid off?

Appuskidu Sun 24-Sep-17 13:21:02

We live comfortable and can afford everything

If he has a car on finance, you have furniture on finance and you have debts-it doesn't sound like you are totally comfortable. How much is your debt in relation to your monthly take home pay? How did you run the debt up?

He sounds like he's worried about money which is fair enough. You can't be applying for high earning jobs when you are pregnant though-he must understand that. I'd be having a chat about his expectations.

Did he discuss the car loan before he took it out? Does he act as collaboratively towards his own financial decisions as he wants to with yours?

How does it feel when he uses it against you that he's paid off debt? Do you feel able to speak up for yourself?

LadyLapsang Sat 21-Oct-17 00:15:25

How much debt do you both have?

Fishface77 Sat 21-Oct-17 00:23:03

If any of his friends wives at sahm ask why they can afford to stay at home and you have to go back to work. Tell him to pull his finger out and magic up a better paying job for himself.
He sounds like a bit of a controlling twat. Wonder how quick he'll want you to go back after may leave.

LillyLollyLandy Sun 22-Oct-17 22:21:56

Hope you’re ok OP.

MrsPestilence Sun 22-Oct-17 22:29:05

Just how much debt do you have?

Life is going to get more expensive with a baby and your income is going to be less. It would be a good idea to clear as much as possible.

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