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How to make my DH wake-up!

(24 Posts)
SilverHoney Tue 18-Feb-14 16:09:05

Long time lurker looking for some advice or recommendations for straight talking services!

Bit of background info so I don't drip feed. We are in the fortunate position of myself earning a decent wage, and my DH earning a very good wage (no DCs). We are currently renting which doesn't bother me, but eventually we do need to buy. We keep our finances quiet separate (fine with me) and DH pays a larger share of the rent / bills and he earns more.

The problem is we aren't saving anything. Each month we are spending all our wages. I am paying off a little uni debt at the min. DH always says he'll save next month, but this month X Y Z has come up! I try talking to him but it's always 'fine' and he'll save £000 'next month'.

Would love a scary bank manager to come to the house and scare some sense into him with some serious straight talking! Any shock tactics to help him realise how much we are wasting? We both need a kick up the backside and I'm sick of feeling like a nag!

Need something to make him realise it's always going to be 'next month' unless we actually commit. HELP!

LeBearPolar Tue 18-Feb-14 16:14:28

If you keep your finances separate, surely you can save whatever you want/can afford from your salary?

SilverHoney Tue 18-Feb-14 16:21:22

Yes I can and I do. But a bit disheartening to think it'll take me 10 years to save up a deposit whereas if we put our heads together it would be more like 3 / 4 years?

Maybe if I build up my own savings it'll encourage him? To see that I earn less but saved more?

specialsubject Tue 18-Feb-14 16:47:46

wow. One job loss or bike crash and you are stuffed, big time.

isn't he adult enough to realise this?

shoofly Tue 18-Feb-14 16:49:40

Show him the Simon Community poster - most people are only 3 months salary away from homelessness sad

SilverHoney Tue 18-Feb-14 16:52:51

But his job is so secure, and he's only going to earn more in the future, and 'next month' he'll put extra away, or we'll just use the credit card for now.... etc etc. hmm

The sad fact is he actually believes this, and looks hurt / upset when I try to call him out. Real head-in-sand situation.

I find it really embarrassing when people who earn less have a house deposit / savings / support chlidren. He'd die if his family knew our financial situation, but I am considering telling them to give him a wake up call. Can't believe I'm considering telling tales to his mum!

Beastofburden Tue 18-Feb-14 16:53:05

So do it the other way round.

In the end, no amount of direct debits into a savings account or spreadsheets make any difference, unless you actually change your behaviour and don't spend the same amount of money as you used to. All that happens is you make him set up the direct debit and then he goes overdrawn.

But changing what you spend does involve a bit more merging of finances, because you have to be in a position to suggest he stops doing x or y.

Are you sure this isn't a version of not wanting to commit? Sounds as if you are living more like flatmates than as a couple.

SilverHoney Tue 18-Feb-14 16:53:47

Thanks shoofly - I've seen that before somewhere and it is so true of our situation.

SilverHoney Tue 18-Feb-14 16:56:47

Nope, happily married, living together. He's always been open about wanting to keep wages in our own bank accounts. Happy to support me through Uni, but still a bit of mine / yours mentality. His job involves a lot of working away, so a lot of couple costs (food, petrol) are very separate for us.

LittleBearPad Tue 18-Feb-14 16:57:02

What is he spending money on?

There's nothing more depressing in my mind, having been there, than looking at a massive credit card with nothing much to show for it (and that includes mounds of clothes, shoes etc)

SilverHoney Tue 18-Feb-14 17:00:51

Starbucks, high weekly food shop and then a lot of food wasted, clinique skin care products, gym / sports equipment and supplements, random amazon parcels.

Doesn't smoke, not a big drinker. Spends it all on C.R.A.P.

Beastofburden Tue 18-Feb-14 17:06:12

I think having separate finances is a thing many people recommend but it seems to work best if you have shared financial goals and styles. In our case we have a single shared account and back in the day i practically gave DH pocket money, he was so rubbish at connecting his actual spending with the money left in his pocket at the end of the month.

He is spending like a young single bloke, really, isn't he? I mean, that's all "me" stuff.

Can you take over the food shop from him?

And perhaps cut up his credit card and get him to spend in real time. Because the thing is, if you spend in real time, you get the line on your bank statement saying what you spoent on Amazon and its a bit blush. Whereas if its on the credit card, then of course you pay it all off, cos any fule kno that paying credit card interest is silly, so the awkward question of how much you actually put on there gets kind of swept away.

SilverHoney Tue 18-Feb-14 17:14:19

Says his credit card earns him points / provides insurance over purchases. Which is true - but hides the real reason why he has one. In theory we have the same goals (save up, clear debts, buy a house) but our actions don't really reflect that.

I think I just need to get tough and face the fact that he isn't going to like what I have to say. Might suggest trailing something for a month? Like the cash / envelope system?

He has an excuse for everything and it gets a bit exhausting going on and on. Thank you for the encouragement / suggestions / advice.

LittleBearPad Tue 18-Feb-14 17:19:02

There very few things where a credit card providing protection is helpful though. Starbucks and supermarket shops don't fall into this category. Televisions, maybe grin.

Can you have a discussion about concrete goals ie if we want to buy a house in two years, what does that mean for deposit, stamp duty etc.

If this reveals that your goals aren't actually compatible then you need to think about whether you are prepared to compromise on what you want or fund it all.

Fluffycloudland77 Tue 18-Feb-14 18:15:14

I managed it by showing dh a house I liked but I hadn't told him that.

He loved it & now wishes he had saved more hmm

We bought the house btw.

DoneWithStruggling Tue 18-Feb-14 19:32:52

Personally, I would save what I could but keep it separate. You need a cushion. Both of you need a cushion, but especially you since he earns (and spends) more. No need to hide it in a Swiss bank account, but don't wave it around either. You don't want it to get spent on a flash new car (probably in advance of some forthcoming bonus or backdated payrise). Then if you both really need it, it's there. And if you alone need it, it is also there. Until his lack of savings really dawns on him, lightbulb-style, he simply will have no impetus to save.

I will be with DH forever and ever, but he simply does not want to have savings enough. He is vaguely aware I squirrel money away from our incomes, but he has no real grasp of how much or where. When something breaks, or someone is ill, he asks me hopefully whether there is enough put aside to cover it. I say "just about, if we cut back for a few months". If he knew how much there was, he would find some urgent bit of technological masturbation to spend it on.

RandomMess Tue 18-Feb-14 19:51:21

Hmmm I would want to be the one scrimping and saving whilst DH flashes the cash and never goes without.

It would be time for straight talking as far as I'm concerned because money and spends are easy to see in black & white.

Beastofburden Tue 18-Feb-14 20:12:46

Well, don't despair. It's not unknown for young men to be total tossers with money a little slow to grasp the principle of deferred gratification. Perhaps he doesn't really want to own his own house?

If only this could be a shared plan, it would be more likely to work. Focussing only on what he will lose and give up is less likely to work than focussing on what can be achieved. Does he not fancy his own place?

LadyLapsang Tue 18-Feb-14 23:16:11

As I understand it neither of you are saving. Why don't you just agree to commit to saving something v small - say £50 each pm, that never gets touched. In time, you will get the savings habit and commit more. I think it is unreasonable for you to expect your DP to save when you don't.

dizhin79 Wed 19-Feb-14 11:47:21

just tell him straight you're never going to save if you rely on yourselves to do it. Set up a direct debit £50 pm from each of you, if you're earning decent money you'll not realise it's gone out of your account. Find a snazzy account that offers something else gifts, points, etc..... he'll soon realise he could be saving more and get a nice pile of dough! scrutinising our bank accounts did it for me and oh, realised how much lunches, coffees, bits from petrol station were adding on to our monthly bills. He may not like being bossed about but he'll get over it

FaceDirectionOfTravel Wed 19-Feb-14 18:23:27

Get him looking at financial independence blogs like Mr Money Mustache. The prospect of retiring early might be so alluring that he changes his ways....

Preciousbane Wed 19-Feb-14 19:31:19

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

justwondering72 Wed 05-Mar-14 06:30:35

Do you have any kind of family planning sessions, where you talk about the big picture - where do you want your family to be in five years? What are your goals? Both individually and as a family? It sounds from your posts as if you are two individuals going along your own paths rather than having any kind of plan or shared goals to work towards. It's not enough to have a vague idea of 'we'd lie to buy a house', how are you actually going to achieve it? What are your saving goals ? What kind of timetable are you jointly agreeing to work towards?

We have one joint account. But that's what works for us, we are all in this together! It should be possible to work together towards shared goals, whatever financial setup you have - but you really need those shared plans - and for you to both be committed to achieving them.

Mum2Fergus Wed 05-Mar-14 11:43:31

OP pop over to the debt support thread in Money...there are a few of us in exactly the same position.

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