Can I ask your opinions of this?

[welpboop]

As the title says Could I have your opinions on the following?

----

“What is this, James?!”

Esther Bailey stood, with one hand on her hip and the other clutching a crumpled up piece of paper. She gave it a small wave in the direction of the man who had just entered the room. A deep frown was etched upon her usually beautiful face.

James Alexander raised an eyebrow. He was stood at the entrance of his classroom with his hands buried deep in the pockets of his trousers. An amused smirk graced his lips.

”Well?!” She persisted.

“I honestly couldn’t tell you, Ms Bailey. Am I suppose to be able to identify a piece of crumpled up paper without even looking at it?” The man walked toward her and held out his hand patiently. “Give it to me and perhaps I can shed some light on the matter.”

She hesitated a moment before reluctantly dropping it into his open palm.

He wrapped his hand around the paper without giving it a second glance. “Where did you find it?”

“In the top drawer of your desk. At the back.”

Alexander raised his eyebrows. “Do explain, Ms Bailey, why you were rummaging through my drawers without my knowledge?”

The blonde woman shuffled slightly before composing herself. “I was looking for an envelope,” she replied smoothly. “I needed one”

“Is that so?” Alexander spoke quietly. His voice surprisingly soft. “Well. As we are on such good terms; good enough that you feel able to let yourself into my classroom, snoop through my things and borrow my possessions without permission, perhaps you’ll join me for a drink?”

She shook her head. “No, James. Not today. Not now. I want you to tell me what the meaning of this piece of paper is. I want you to explain what the hell you were thinking when you wrote it.” Her voice quivered ever so slightly.

He let out a small sigh and rolled his eyes. “I’ve no idea what you’re talking about, Ms Bailey.”

”Bullshit. Look at it!” She took a step back and leant against the edge of his desk; rubbing her forehead with a pained expression.

Alexander cocked his head to the side and watched the blonde carefully for a few moments before reluctantly unravelling the scrunched up paper. His eyes glanced quickly over the words written upon it. “Not a clue. Sorry.” He shook his head; his gaze now fixed back upon her. “I didn’t write this.” He held out the piece of paper.

She looked up incredulously and gave a small snort. “Don’t lie to me, James.”

He rolled his eyes again and dug in his trouser pocket for his cigarettes. “I wouldn’t dream of it.” He said; popping a cigarette into his mouth with a small grin.

She slammed her fist onto the surface of his desk; sending papers flying in all directions. “Is this a joke to you?!” She spat. “How am I suppose to help you if you won’t help yourself.”

Esther snatched the piece of paper out of his hand and held it up to his face. “This” she said pointing at the words, “this isn’t right. And it’s going to destroy you, Alexander.” Her voice was now barely more than a whisper. Her eyes were filled with sadness.

Alexander allowed a small smirk to dance at the corners of his lips. “I’m ‘Alexander’ again now, am I?”

Esther shook her head in disbelief and dropped the piece of paper to the ground.

She walked toward the door and before exiting turned slightly to look at the man; her face screwed up in a snarl. “Screw you, James Alexander,” she whispered.

Alexander waited a few moments for the sound of her heels to fade into the distance before he knelt down and picked up the paper.

He settled himself into the chair behind his desk and took out a half empty bottle of whiskey from the bottom drawer. He unscrewed the cap and took a small sip as he flattened the piece of paper on his desk.

His eyes glazed as he read the words over and over.

[welpboop]

I think I've spotted a few errors myself

But would really love some constructive feedback/criticism

I can take it honestly!

[BrightLightsAndSound]

I think you write dialogue very naturally. There are unnecessary adjectives I would remove: a smirk always looks "amused", a sip is always small, etc.

[ParentsOfSummer]

It does draw you in, I really want to know what the piece of paper said!

Personally I think bull is the wrong expletive - she seems like a woman who would use something inoffensive like poppycock {don't know why that came to mind), or maybe 'liar'?

It's very well written - you could tighten up the pace if its an angry scene, maybe even go for laconics for a bit and use more descriptive languages during pauses. It's fine how it is just thoughts for next time

I'd rewrite the opening line - definitely on the right lines but could use a sense of history, Situation etc. Take for example 'Mrs Dalloway' which goes something like : "Mrs Dalloway said she would buy the flowers herself" (in going from memory) - we know there's a conversation, a bit of frustration as someone else should have bought them (otherwise it would just say she would buy flowers), there's some event going on, suggests some sort of hurry, bustle etc. The ancient greeks had a habit of starting plays etc with one word that sumed up the whole story - with the illiad it was "rage", with the Odyssey it was "man" (as in humanity as well as a specific man}. Just some thoughts - it is the most important sentence in the work so it's worth studying some examples.

Excellent though, really strong writing!

[welpboop]

@BrightLightsAndSound thank you!

I totally agree. Too many unnecessary adjectives!

I'll make adjustments to remove those.

[welpboop]

@ParentsOfSummer Thank you so much for taking the time to provide feedback!

I agree the 'bullshit' doesn't work for her character. I think 'liar' would sound much better.

I think I'll either add on an opener for this or rewrite what's there.

It isn't going to be the start though. It'll probably be about 1/4 of the way through the story.

Thank you again!

[ParentsOfSummer]

I'm absolutely pleased to be of help, great fan of literature and I think you've got a nice fluid style :-)

[HollowTalk]

I got confused - is his name James or Alexander?

[ilikemagnums]

@HollowTalk His name is James Alexander.

First name James. Second name Alexander.

I'm sorry I didn't make that more obvious

[daisypond]

I want to know what the paper says too - it's a good hook.
Thing that I think might need a rethink:
As pp said, too many adjectives, esp the word "small", which was used six times.
The use of both first and surname: Esther Bailey/James Alexander. This is a little clunky. Use the first name. The surnames become obvious later.
"her usually beautiful face" - hmm, seems cliched. In what way beautiful? I'd skip this.
rubbing her forehead with a pained expression. -as above. seems cliched. In what way does the pain manifest itself?
Her eyes were filled with sadness. " - as above.
"dance at the corner of his lips" - as above - heading into cliche.
"the blonde/the blonde woman" - a bit awkward. "her/she" are better.
"He let out a small sigh/gave a small snort/gave it a small wave - sighed/snorted/waved (or some other more interesting verbs) would give more oomph here.

[Pollaidh]

It's a little too flowery and effortful perhaps, you could definitely cut some of the adjectives.

Referring to him as 'the man' felt like a pov slip, given his name had just been used. The same with "the blonde", this is a definite no no in dialogue attributions. I think it feels like the camera has just been pulled back to give a more distant shot, if that makes sense. Don't narrate anything the main character would not think - and no one in a conversation thinks "said the blonde".

There's something about "graced his lips" that I always really dislike. Not sure why, I think it feels like authorial intrusion, but I don't know why.

The beats between dialogue are good, showing how the characters interact with their environment, and show their emotions that way, but it feels like the internal emotions are missing. Who is you main pov character, if there is one, and can you put in some physical feelings for that character? Have a look at The Emotion Thesaurus, it's a brilliant reference which gives external and internal sensations for different emotions.

[NoSquirrels]

What genre are you going for? It reads like fairly classic romance of a Mills & Boon sort... would that be accurate? That's possibly because of (as PPs have pointed out) you have some slightly flowery descriptive stuff going on ("the blonde", "usually beautiful face") and the scenario which is very do-they-don't-they-unavailable man-feisty-woman. Very intriguing!

[MostlyBoastly]

Too much exposition too soon. Feels stilted by the full names - unnecessary too as you repeat surnames later.

Also, I think you might be drawing out the tension a little too much and too long. If it’s a gun, fine. But it’s paper. We know there’s no immediate threat to character.

Pick a character point of view and stick with it. I know it’s third person but it will shape your narrative better to have a through line for the voice.
Eg: If James allowed a smirk to dance at the corner of his mouth (revealing to us his innermost intentions) then we can’t simultaneously know that Esther shook her head in disbelief (shook her head - yes, as observable by James but the disbelief is hidden.)

[Catalicious]

Is this going to be a 50 Shades-style of book? It's effortless to read, but the vocabulary is very much in that domain.

[PurpleDaisies]

It reads like someone who has been told the hard not allowed to use the word “said” in dialogue. I really dislike the cliche of referring to a woman as “the blonde”.

[MangoPineapple]

I really, really like this opening. I'm also very curious about the paper, and how Esther and James were connected. Just one small thing, I think "suppose" should be "supposed", unless it's conveying a particular accent.

[welpbloop]

@MangoPineapple Thank you! And yes, you're totally right. That should be 'supposed'.

[welpbloop]

@PurpleDaisies Thank you for taking the time to read and provide feedback. I totally agree, it needs more 'said' and I agree about 'the blonde' too.

[welpbloop]

@Catalicious Definitely not Fifty Shades style! Or Mills and Boon @NoSquirrels I've never read Mills and Boon before.

This is kind of embarrassing now. The story intended couldn't be further from Mills and Boon style! Gah.

Though, in all honesty, the piece written is not actually part of the story. I wrote it simply to get to know the characters better and to get a feel of my writing style and how and where I need to improve.

The story itself will primarily be about James and the relationship he has with his teenage son. Though, there was always going to be to be chemistry between Esther and James it was never going to be the primary focus of the story.

Thank you for taking the time to read and provide feedback. It is most appreciated!

Note to self. Step away from the Mills and Boon!

[NoSquirrels]

Don't be embarrassed about the M&B comparison - people make a decent living from writing those!

As you said, you wrote this piece to get a feel for your writing style, so that's been useful - and I do think this scene in particular is obviously going to lend itself to that comparison more than a scene between a man and his teenage son!

[welpboop]

@MostlyBoastly Thank you! I agree on all points, especially about sticking to a character point of view.

[MostlyBoastly]

Sorry. I wrote that really late last night: it sounds so harsh. I was so tired!

[Timetravellingbunnies]

@MostlyBoastly No, it's fine. Honestly. I just appreciate people taking the time to read and provide honest feedback. I've no hope of improving if people were to lie and tell me how brilliant it is. I'm grateful for all feedback recieved.

[AdaColeman]

"He was stood..." is such an awkward construction.
There's a lot of smirking and whispering in such a short extract.
"her face screwed up in a snarl. "Screw you..." is very clunky.

The whole piece is over written. But I do want to know what is on the paper!