I was about to chuck this - I'll let you decide!(11 Posts)
This is something I wrote months ago. I had a lot of time on my hands and had a great idea for a story - got the first chapter done and then real life took over and I've not looked at it since. So Chapter 1 - if you wouldn't mind reading this and telling me whether you find it interesting/boring/childish? would you want to read more?
If you asked me why I did it, I couldn't give you an answer. Perhaps it was guilt, maybe I wanted to put right a wrong or maybe, just maybe it was pure curiosity.
It wasn't as though it was a case of friend collecting. You know how it is with Facebook, people recognise a name from years ago and add them as a friend, it doesn't matter if they've never actually spoken to that person before or whether you've even seen then since you were 12. Before you know it, you've collected 800 friends, 700 of them you'll probably never speak to again. I was once sent a friend request from a guy I'd never even heard of. It turned out he'd acquired my name from a photograph taken at playschool when we were three years old. He'd tried to add everyone named on it and the most ridiculous thing is, I confirmed the friendship and he was added to my list. Again, I was curious.
I was also curious about Hannah. Shy, chubby, nervous little Hannah Kell. Though she wasn't little any more, she was 31 years old, just like me. And maybe she wasn't chubby any more? But she was probably still shy and nervous. Because that was Hannah.
I first met Hannah at Carlton Hill Primary School back in 1985. We were 5 years old and we were in the same class; 1HO. Hannah had mousy brown hair, tied back into a ponytail with a thick fringe dangling in her brown eyes. She wore white nylon socks pulled up to just below her knees and a navy blue school skirt falling just short of the socks. Mr Hocking made us all sit in a circle on the itchy carpet and tell everyone our name and our favourite hobby. Hannah was noticeably nervous as she sucked in her bottom lip and fidgeted with her hands. I was nervous too, perhaps she would describe me in the same way if you asked her about our first day at school.
I didn't accidentally fall upon Hannah Kell whilst browsing Facebook. I deliberately searched for her name and after deliberating for weeks after I found her, I hit that add as friend button. But the truth is, we were never friends. Oh I enjoyed spending time with her, that's true but I'm sure she didn't enjoy my presence quite as much as I enjoyed hers. For me, Hannah was an escape from my own insecurities. When I noticed I was not as pretty as the other girls in my class, I'd find sanctuary in knowing that Hannah was even uglier than I was. When I realised I was rather chubby, my confidence found a boost in knowing that Hannah was even fatter. When I realised that the other kids in my class had much more money spent on their clothes than I did, I compared myself with Hannah. Her clothes were blatantly better than mine too, but I took great delight in telling her otherwise.
As we grew older, I came to realise that the girl who once made me feel better about my own imperfections actually had so much more than I did. I hated her for that. She was cleverer than me and her parents helped her with her homework, unlike mine who didn't even know how to do it themselves. This infuriated me and I called Hannah a nerd. I encouraged others to call her a nerd too because I needed that reassurance that I was right. And although her perfect family went to Greece on a holiday that my family would never be able to afford, I noticed she was still fatter than me. So, like a dog with a bone, I clung on to that fact and reminded her every day of her school life that she was fat. It was her own fault really, for showing off and being so smug at least that was the reasoning my 10 year old self came up with.
Around an hour after I attempted to befriend Hannah on Facebook, I nervously checked my email. Nothing new, which meant that Hannah had either not been on Facebook in the last hour or she had seen my friend request and stabbed the 'ignore' button, probably furiously wondering where the hell I got my cheek.
I wondered too, what the hell I was playing at trying to add Hannah Kell as a friend but so many years had passed since we last saw each other, we were all grown up now and part of me wanted to apologise for my dreadful behaviour as a child, and the other part just wanted to know how she'd turned out. If she was anything like me, she'd be married with one or two children, working full time trying to juggle childcare with socialising with cooking, cleaning and bills. Life had certainly moved on since the day my biggest worry was whether Hannah would score higher on the spelling test than I did. I assumed her life had moved on too, since the day her biggest worry was whether I'd be at school that day or not.
p.s. not concerned with grammar/spelling right now, just want to know if it's worth pursuing or not.
Your first paragraph made me think this could be a juicy crime story...
I disagree - i don't think it's very good, sorry. It didn't hook me and I found it hard to know what you were talking about in places.
The sentence construction and command of language is not good - there's lots of repetition.
If you want to write then you would really benefit from doing a creative writing course
I couldn't read a book that was written like that. Getting in touch with old friends through social networking sites and ending up with problems/doing it for nefarious reasons is quite a good idea, but you tell it all. I'd like to see what happens, rather than be told it.
I am very intrigued...................
OH kept talking to me while I was reading it and I kept telling him to shhhhh
I think you need to do a course too, to teach you how
to hook the reader earlier. Is this going to be a dark
relationship between her and Hannah? Set the tone and
atmosphere from the start even if it is in the conversational
style you have. A course will help
You use the ideas you have.
OU does loads of courses - long and short
Keep it up! Xxxx
Yes, I would read on, and I'm really picky!!!!
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.