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I have uploaded some of my books on to authonomy if you wanted to have a read.

(8 Posts)
BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster Sat 13-Nov-10 18:44:34

Quick before MNHQ removes the thread! I need comments please. blush -farm/ quick! Hurry!

GrendelsMum Sat 13-Nov-10 20:02:17

Hi Belle

I've read The Phoenix Hunter over briefly, and have some comments.

I think it's very vividly imagined - there are some places where your descriptions really bring it alive. It's little things like the mum moaning when he insists on keeping the suitcase on his knees the whole journey back, or the windows being nailed shut in the hotel. Ironically, because your descriptions are so vivid in some places, it makes it more obvious when your descriptions feel rather skimped or too conventional - when you describe the bookshop, for example, it seems to be to be rather a stereotype of a bookshop, not a 'real' bookshop. And would Jack know about Dickens' London so he can imagine that the bookshop is like a bookshop in Dickens' London?

On the whole, though, I was pretty impressed. I do think it's worth working on.

One thing that really lets you down, though, is inconsistencies in your grammar, and I suspect this would stop an agent or publisher taking you on at the moment. You confuse 'it's' and 'its' a lot. Also, you tend to string sentences together with commas, although you clearly know how to use punctuation perfectly well, as in the next sentence you'll be using a semi-colon or a colon. I think that you need to iron these out, as at the moment, it comes across as less professional than it otherwise would.

BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster Sat 13-Nov-10 20:10:57

Thank you smile I think I need someone to edit it properly for the grammar, I can't remember what to use some of the time. It's also very difficult to write with the constant distraction at home wink

I'll have a think about the descriptions, I know I can improve those. Thank you for pointing that out smile

ninah Sun 14-Nov-10 09:48:51

belle message me (what is the new term for cat) if you'd like to send it to me to edit? am great at picking up typos, less great at ideas. Used to work for a law publisher know what I'm doing. can edit onscreen but prefer the old fashioned way, ms and pen. Would be v happy to look at it if you feel this kind of input and another eye would be beneficial.

ninah Sun 14-Nov-10 09:49:44

have not read them through yet but off to bookshelf them now to read at leisure

BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster Sun 14-Nov-10 10:38:57

smile That would really help, thank you. smile

ninah Sun 14-Nov-10 12:13:21

Ok they are on my shelf. and i have emailed you. must do some writing now.
Oh, btw I started a law degree too! I didn't finish mine though. respect to you!

BelleDeChocChipCookieMonster Sun 14-Nov-10 12:16:36

I quite liked law, it was interesting reading about what people do to each other. Thank you smile

Good luck with the work.

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