Have/would you return to NI from UK?

[ShouldIStay0rShouldIGo]

Name changed in case I out myself!

I’ve lived in the North of England for almost 10 years and for the last 6 have considered off and on returning home to NI. I frequently get homesick and want to be nearer to my family. DP grew up where we live now and his parents live near by. We see them regularly but only see his extended family on occasions like big birthdays, weddings etc. I’m very close to my family including grandparents/aunties/cousins etc and see them a lot when I’m home.

Having lived here all of my adult life I only really have friends here, although I wouldn’t say any are particularly close and I struggle to make friends. I never had a consistent group of friends through my childhood so although I have acquaintances through social media, DP and I definitely wouldn’t have a friendship group if we moved.

We’re hoping to start a family in the next couple of years and I feel like if we do that in England I’ll never return home. I don’t know what to do for the best. In many ways England offers many more opportunities but it just doesn’t feel like home. On the other hand I’m wary that I’m seeing living at home through rose tinted glasses.

I suppose I’m just looking for advice if you’ve been in this position. if you’ve made it to the end!

[MsMamaNature]

Hi. We moved back about 10 years ago. Left Surrey and returned to North Coast/ Co. Antrim. Have no regrets. Better schools, cheaper housing - we bought a 4 bed townhouse here for £120,000 which would have cost at least £600,000 in Surrey. Annual rates bill is a fraction of our old council tax bill. Salaries slightly lower but lower housing etc makes it all balance out for us. Never had any trouble here. We live in a very mixed area, integrated schools etc.

[ShouldIStay0rShouldIGo]

Mama good to hear you’ve no regrets. Did you have friends already there or have you been able to make new friends easily? I’m most worried about people having long established friendship groups since childhood and we’ll be isolated from that point of view.

[MsMamaNature]

Hi. When we moved back I had been away for about 8 years ( university etc ) so all my old school friends had all moved on. Made friends through work, baby groups, etc. I wasn't treated like a leper for having been gone so long! Having family around for my children was a big plus for us and it wasn't available on their dad's side of the family.

[ShouldIStay0rShouldIGo]

Thanks so much for replying. That definitely puts my mind at ease!

[CraicMammy]

If I was planning on getting pregnant, I’d want to stay in England or Scotland until the baby was born

[MsMamaNature]

I wouldn't worry too much about where your future children are born - mine were all born in Surrey. We moved just before our eldest was ready for nursery school and our youngest was a few months old. As I said before I prefer the schools here so it was important to me that we had made the move before compulsory school age. In terms of pre-natal care, I lived here for a few months during one of my pregnancies (as my husband was working abroad) and the level of care was exactly the same as in England.

[ShouldIStay0rShouldIGo]

Why’s that CraicMammy?

If anything I’d prefer to be pregnant and give birth at home so that I have the additional family support. My job provides good maternity pay and that wouldn’t change if I moved home. If I had a child here in England I would be committed to remaining in that job for a minimum amount of time on returning to work to avoid repaying my mat pay. So to have a child here would mean staying in England until my child was at least 18 months. And that would be if we decided to have just the one.

[MiniAlphaBravo]

We are considering this as well as we are really struggling with the high cost of housing & childcare in the SE England. I am a teacher so on one hand it’s so hard to get a job in NI and on the other hand I’d earn the same there. However, children are 3 and 1 and I’m reluctant to move them. Also the weather is way better over here and I’m worried that I’d get sick of the wind and rain lol!!! Anyway this is probably all up in the air but hey

[MsMamaNature]

My last response was partly aimed at CraicMammy as she seemed to imply that there was a difference between giving birth here and in England. I was trying to make the point that, in my experience, that wasn't the case. I think you have the right idea in having your children here. I didn't have that option at the time. From your last post, referring to here as home, I think you've pretty much made up your mind!

[ShouldIStay0rShouldIGo]

Thanks MamaNature I appreciate your advice. I was just interested to hear why CraicMammy had the opposite opinion.

I’ve always called it home, never stopped!

Mini I work for the NHS so similar to you my wage would stay the same, however my specialism means that jobs are not so available and if anything a vacancy only comes around every couple of years. I’d have to consider a more general role or take the plunge and go private. I empathise about uprooting your little ones. I’m in the North so the weather really isn’t any different

[CraicMammy]

I’ll caveat this by saying this in an issue I have a particular concern about, and I am conscious of following the Repeal decision in the South.

If I’m pregnant in Eng/Scot then I have more options available to me if the pregnancy is not going to viable, and I know that my life will take precedence if doctors have to make a decision on my behalf. Those certainties aren’t there in NI. It’s a personal view, and I accept I’m probably overthinking, but I’ve preferred not to travel to Ireland during my pregnancies.

[LaurieMarlow]

I couldn't do it, but then I never liked living in NI (I was born and raised there).

DH and I came back to Dublin from London though. We moved when DS was nursery age and that worked well, apart from the scramble to find a decent nursery place.

I'd definitely get pregnant/give birth in GB and move at nursery age.

[MarDhea]

Think about the support you're likely to have in England if you have a baby. Do you have people (close friends or family) nearby who will bring round dinner when you're too shattered to cook after sleepless weeks nights? People who can keep an eye on the baby for 15 mins if you just want to take a short walk to clear your head? People who will pop by for a quick chat on non-baby topics during maternity leave to stop you feeling isolated (esp if your DP is back at work)? People who might babysit during afternoon nap time on a weekend so you and DP can go out for lunch together and enjoy each other's company uninterrupted?

If you have that kind of support in place locally, then great. But if you don't, and it's something you would have in place if you went back to NI, then don't underestimate how important it can be.

I had my DC in the UK away from family. We had good friends nearby, yes, but we didn't feel right leaning on them more than occasionally as they had their own lives, and the baby group acquaintances I made were too superficial to count for much. Those first 18 months can be hard without a support network around you, and even harder if baby or yourself are unwell after the birth. If it's just you and DP looking after a baby 24/7 without a break, it's relentless.