Mental health and 'caring' (TW)

[MirrorMirror1000]

First off, I am NOT trying to be goady or coming up with loopholes to break lockdown just for the sake of it. I 100% support getting cases down, have followed every rule so far, but I'm at my breaking point mentally and want advice- I do have a guilt complex about breaking lockdown and do feel bad, hence I wanted some perspective.

Literally right before the pandemic, I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. I exhibit every symptom, and whilst there's no point listing all of them, it's impacted my life very heavily for at least the last seven years. The pandemic and first lockdown made things 10x worse, I started self-harming again and was in a very low place. However, I made it out, restrictions eased and I felt 'better.'

Cue this lockdown being announced, I made it one week into the current lockdown and all of a sudden the chronic emptiness, feelings of 'what's the point,' and the numbness hit me again. I was in a very low place, didn't see the point in life, didn't feel safe being alone and was going to tell my therapist/doctor and be voluntarily admitted to hospital. (My therapist and doctor, whilst confidential, have made it clear there is a certain point where they would have to admit me to hospital if I were to exhibit certain behaviours.)

In the end, my therapist then cancelled due to the lockdown and as I was felt so desperate, I ended up going to my partners house who I do not live with, and who lives with other people. Since then, I've seen my partner 2/3 times, my mental health has improved dramatically and I no longer have the chronic empty feeling. We did meet outside at first, however, the weather has been terrible, and it wasn't feasible to stand outside in the pouring rain.

I live with housemates who I am friends with, however they are not people I can confide in. My partner does not live alone (flat share), but has separate bathroom facilities- I do not go in the communal areas, touch anything (Ie, banister or door handles) and take as many measures to mitigate contact as is possible. I shop once a week, I don't currently work due to furlough, so apart from my partner my contacts are low. I am also in receipt of disability funding for my BPD if that makes any difference.

My question is- Does it sound reasonable for me to see my partner under these circumstances? I do not see my family, anyone else- It is literally just him. I don't even meet people for coupled walks anymore as I am aware it is more contacts and I am already 'breaking' lockdown.

I go to his as his flat is better laid out to avoid contact with others, whereas I live in a smaller house, so he doesn't come here ever. I can't move in with him as it is against his tenancy agreement, same reason he can't move in here. His flatmates know the situation and have all said it is fine, as long as I take precautionary measures and do not interact with them directly. I even use a separate entrance. (This is possible in the space of his flat.)

I just wanted some perspective and opinions.

Thank you.

[PurpleFrames]

Hi OP- there is an exemption in the rules for care provision for MH reasons and I think it's fair to say that's what he is providing you. Personally however I think we have to manage risk and if you, your partner and those around you are happy with this arrangement, I'd go ahead whether the rules allowed it or not 😊

Is your therapy back on?

[MirrorMirror1000]

@PurpleFrames

Thank you for the reply. I wasn't sure if caring meant, ie, for someone who needs physical help, etc...

It is starting again next week but will be on the phone. It's not ideal as my room is downstairs and everyone in my house will be able to hear me, but it does help.

[hippyhappyhoppyhuppy]

I think you have to do what you have to do take care of yourself and your mental health. I hope your therapy starts again soon, bless you for taking all of the precautions you can.

[formerbabe]

I wouldn't judge you negatively at all for doing that

[PurpleFrames]

Great news on that front- not so great about your room situation. Would you be able to go to a park or something? I suppose that's not really practical with the current weather!

[HumanFemale1]

I'm in a similar boat op, I don't have BPD but when second lockdown was announced I became suicidal and the only thing that saved me was visiting my bf (he lives in another city).

You have nothing to feel guilty about. I don't feel guilty at all because given the choice between saving your own mental health and potentially, maybe participate in passing on a virus that most people won't even notice they have, the vast majority of people will choose their own mental health. It's a human decision.

It's really insane to me that people have been so fear mongered that they feel guilty for seeing their loved ones.

Please ignore the online "selfless" folks, it's easy to log online and pretend to be morally superior, in reality those people are probably breaking the rules too.

[Orangeblossom7777]

Also there is a 'bubble' thing which is for single people to meet with another person which could apply as well. Kind thoughts