Worried about my mum, she seems depressed

[Littlemiss74]

I saw my mum today and I think she seems depressed. She said she hardly ever does anything or talks to anyone these days. My Dad is in a care home as he has Alzheimers and I think she is really struggling living alone and misses him having been married for 52 years. She is only allowed to visit him outside and she has to wear a mask and keep 2m apart. Last week the carer ‘told her off’ as she touched his arm briefly, no skin to skin contact as he had a long shirt on.
She said to me today ‘we can’t live like this forever’ & she thinks it’s cruel as the elderly people in care homes are in the final years of their life and need their loved ones close.

She is usually very busy socially but all the groups (think WI, bridge etc..) are still not meeting and I think she is becoming increasingly low and unhappy. I have never seen her like this before. I suggested she meet up with friends outside for walks, coffee and she just said hmm maybe. She said but what about the winter & Christmas, we can’t meet outside then!

I just saw such sadness in her today. It must be so hard to be told she cannot hold the hand or even the arm of the man she has loved all her life. It is heartbreaking to watch & I don’t know what to do to help.

Sorry so long just needed to get this out. Is anyone else experiencing similar?

[Gwynfluff]

My mum said herself she is feeling low and missing her groups as well. I think a lot of old people are struggling with isolation and loneliness and lack of structure. My mum also feels she has cognitively declined.

[Littlemiss74]

@Gwynfluff sorry to hear that, it’s just such a strange time and it’s hard not knowing how long things will be this way.

[Gwynfluff]

I know. She will go out though and we have sat inside in a couple of cafes.

Hope your mum is ok - I get her point about not being able to be near your Dad.

[missyB1]

The toll of this situation on the elderly and vulnerable is just terrible. I’m so sorry for your parents, i will be totally honest and say that in a way I’m glad we lost our mum last year because this would have been horrendous for her, she would not have coped.
Your mum needs to start meeting up with friends, does she have any close friends that could come and visit for coffee? Can you get her out and about? Mi understand her worries about winter it’s going to be trickier to socialise.

[purpleme12]

It sounds awful for her
It's enough to make anyone depressed never mind when you factor in being told off for touching her husband ☹️

[sallyshirt]

That's so sad.
I assume she couldn't go and live in the care home with your dad?
I've heard of some care home which will allow you to do that, but it's probably horrendously expensive and not for everyone.

My DM was determined not to go into a home, then due to her health she had to, she loved it and it brought her back to life with all the activity and people around all day.

[ekidmxcl]

How utterly awful for her. Could she also live in the care home? My great aunt did this when my great uncle went in. They even got a double room.

[Understandingnotignorance]

Could she invite friends over in a similar boat who aren't going out so much for coffee mornings so she has something to look forward to. Take up a new skill such as painting/crochet-anything of interest to her? Meditation/yoga? If she's OK with technology then arrange what's app group calls where they face time. I know all these things may seem superficial when the deep sadness inside of losing your companion of over 52 years is resigned to a weekly visit but small things can make a difference.