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What is their problem?!

(20 Posts)
firenze86 Sat 27-Jun-20 09:17:59

Apologies in advance for the rant!!

We have been (like most people!) following the guidelines regarding social distancing since March. We’ve been shopping for our parents so have had some contact with them, dh has been at work (nhs) and I work in school so have also been working throughout. Our kids have had to go back to school in the keyworker group since my class has gone back a few weeks ago. We’ve had no choice but to be in contact with people through work/school/shopping.

The problem is, a couple of family members and our friends have been carrying on like normal. I mean, parties in each others houses, day trips together, sharing cars, beach days, play dates, bbqs etc. They don’t bother contacting us anymore, even just to chat or see how we are all doing. I’m guessing because they know we won’t join in? None of them have been at work, they have been furloughed or are supposed to be working from home (!). I know they are talking about us behind our backs. We’ve found the last few months a struggle, apart from having to go to work and school/the anxiety of it all etc, we have had lots of other stuff going on that has been really stressful.

Why can’t they see that they are part of the problem? There’s nothing we’d like more than to relax with our friends or have a day out with them all (yes I know that’s possible now, but they have all cut contact with us so we don’t get invited) but we have been trying hard to get through this knowing we have done what we can to help.

I know there are bigger things to worry about, but I’ve woken up today thinking it’s really rude of them and I’m actually quite angry!!

OP’s posts: |
Bluntness100 Sat 27-Jun-20 09:20:20

I don’t really understand op. What problem are they part of? Have any of them actually had Covid and passed it on? If not what problem do you refer to?

You seem angry at them. Is the problem you need them to keep checking you’re ok?

ComtesseDeSpair Sat 27-Jun-20 09:26:55

There are only so many times you can rebuff people before they stop bothering with you. You didn’t want / think it was right to break guidelines, they didn’t agree; but it doesn’t sound like they’ve mocked you for it, just stopped trying to convince you.

If you’re now ready to start seeing people again then the onus needs to come from you to say that you’d be up for a garden meet or a picnic or a walk or whatever.

firenze86 Sat 27-Jun-20 09:39:53

You’re right, although I’ve been in contact I haven’t suggested any specific plans so maybe I should do that and see if they reply! They have mocked us, but I’m not as bothered about that.

No I don’t need people checking I’m ok, just to respond to my texts etc would be good! If everyone acted like they have we would all be a lot worse off. It’s common sense really..

OP’s posts: |
Bluntness100 Sat 27-Jun-20 09:43:55

You sound very judgemental op. Maybe this is part of the issue. They know it.

HelloMissus Sat 27-Jun-20 09:45:30

I think it depends how vocal you’ve been in your disapproval of their behaviour.

Waitingforboristoletusfree Sat 27-Jun-20 09:46:03

🙄

firenze86 Sat 27-Jun-20 09:47:04

Nope I’m not judgemental at all. Just hurt that I’ve been left out of a close friendship group because I’ve made different decisions to them regarding the pandemic.

OP’s posts: |
Pertella Sat 27-Jun-20 09:50:38

So you distance yourself from people and are now angry at them for doing what you wanted them to do?

firenze86 Sat 27-Jun-20 10:00:41

Genuine question - am I in the minority, have you all been seeing friends and family over the last few months?

OP’s posts: |
ComtesseDeSpair Sat 27-Jun-20 10:07:09

Honestly - yes. But I haven’t been judging those who’ve chosen not to; and I don’t expect them to necessarily want to start “going back to normal” - so I’m taking their lead and waiting for them to get in touch and suggest meeting up rather than contacting them to ask.

firenze86 Sat 27-Jun-20 10:25:11

Thanks for the reply comtesse. I haven’t been vocal about my thoughts and actually our decisions have been based more on the fact we have no choice but to see lots of people through work and school. So in order to minimise contact with others we felt we had to stop seeing people who we would’ve liked to. It’s just been hard seeing other people have fun and socialise i suppose. Anyway hopefully we’ll all move on from this and I’ll try to arrange seeing them all.

OP’s posts: |
Bol87 Sat 27-Jun-20 11:05:50

I’ve seen friends & family as allowed? Perhaps even a tad rule bendy but not putting anyone at risk. Ie. During proper lockdown, I did the food shopping for my parents & I’d always sit on the bench in their front garden for 30 minutes or so having a chat from a distance. I also (and still do) walked my newborn down past their house in the pram & again, we’d sit & chat so they could see her from a distance.

And now, I meet friends and family in the park & their gardens. We sit apart & don’t hug or anything like that but we do share food.. crisps, sandwiches, fruit, a cake someone’s baked etc & we def haven’t taken our own crockery! And I’ve used their toilet if I’ve been desperate (which is allowed).

In July, I’ll be going to stay with my in-laws who live 5 hours away. I’ll be there for 10 days. I highly doubt we’ll socially distance for the entire 10 days & in my opinion, if I’m staying in their house & sharing bathrooms & food & utensils, we’d pick it up regardless of distancing! However, I will always SD if I’m just visiting a friend or relative for a few hours as that probably will help limit both our risk.

It sounds like you are quite hurt OP. It’s really hard if your friends take a very different view on following rules. I’ve been lucky mine have mostly stuck to the rules but I do a few who have broken it here & there for various reasons. I don’t judge them. I’m very much a you do you. I mean I roll my eyes privately at some pretty shit rule breaking from a friend/colleague recently but I’m not angry. We’ll still be friends!

I’m not sure your friends are very good friends if they are being horrible behind your back & not contacting you .. i don’t think you can be sure they are talking about you behind your back really but clearly they’ve decided to stop inviting you as they know you won’t come. I don’t think that alone is an issue, no point asking if you won’t come & perhaps they worry you’ll be very judgemental & tell them off (although feel free, people massively flouting the rules is so bloody annoying). But to not continue to text or ring or offer to see you in the garden etc is pretty shitty..

annabel85 Sat 27-Jun-20 11:09:37

firenze86

Genuine question - am I in the minority, have you all been seeing friends and family over the last few months?

My family have all kept apart but caught up on Zoom etc. Had socially distanced drinks for my Mum's birthday the other week in her garden (she is having to shield and is living with my brother).

My friends the same.

If I had family members and close friends basically not giving a shit and not doing what they want, I wouldn't be meeting up with them.

lljkk Sat 27-Jun-20 11:37:11

How do you know they mock you -- who shares that information with you? Why do they share it -- are they stirring?

If they are mocking you, it sounds like you mutually disapprove of each other so you'll just have to find a way to have a relationship that suits you regardless.

amicissimma Sat 27-Jun-20 14:47:36

So your friends and family have been basically isolating (working from home) but have been treating their group as a bubble and meeting up within it.

But you have been going to school and work.

Unless I'm misunderstanding your OP, in which case I apologise, it seems to me that you have been mixing with more people and therefore have been more likely to spread Covid than they have?

AnEbayNovice Sat 27-Jun-20 14:56:50

Oh FFS. Mumsnet is so contrary.

A couple of months ago if you so much as left the house for daily exercise you were a murderer, now it's implied that OP has been a bit unreasonable by following the rules.

I'm sorry OP. It's true that perhaps they just don't expect you to come anymore but if you get the vibe they've been talking then maybe they have.

I understand people have all had different circumstances and needs, and can apply common sense, but it's a bit of a kick in the teeth to have been really suffering from isolation to find that so many people didn't bother and not only that but seem to have the attitude of "oh well, your choice" to those following their civic duty when actually it isn't really. None of us wanted to be in that position of isolation but there was a really good reason why it applied.

AnEbayNovice Sat 27-Jun-20 15:04:11

amicissimma

So your friends and family have been basically isolating (working from home) but have been treating their group as a bubble and meeting up within it.

But you have been going to school and work.

Unless I'm misunderstanding your OP, in which case I apologise, it seems to me that you have been mixing with more people and therefore have been more likely to spread Covid than they have?

I think the OP and DP going to work to provide an essential service to protect healthcare and provide education is much more important than breaking national guidelines by socialising as part of an (at some times actually illegal) "bubble" for no reason other than personal pleasure! (As far as OP tells it, I appreciate there are some extenuating circumstances where people have needed support)

annabel85 Sat 27-Jun-20 15:31:41

So your friends and family have been basically isolating (working from home) but have been treating their group as a bubble and meeting up within it.

The 'bubbles' have only just come into effect. The OP seemed to suggest her friends and family have just been carrying on as normal and not giving a shit, while she's been responsible and cut off for it.

onlinelinda Sat 27-Jun-20 23:26:26

Wow, so people partying in each other's houses is considered normal by some people, and you are trying to make the OP feel bad for not joining in. Talk of bubbles as though that has applied to just anyone. I'm going to be charitable and say it must be the Cummings fallout.

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