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Extremely vulnerable MIL whose had enough

(14 Posts)
ritzbiscuits Wed 17-Jun-20 16:26:11

My MIL in her 70s has lung cancer for a couple of years and is actively receiving immunotherapy treatment. She has been marked in the highest category of shielding and has been at home for the past 12 weeks. Her regular cancer has been a bit stop start, but she is now heading back into hospital for treatment every 6 weeks.

My DH has been around to see her once per week to bring groceries and have a cup of tea in the garden. My DH, young DS and me went around last week to see her before DS went back to primary school as it felt like the right time to do it.

DH spoke to her yesterday and she's had enough of the situation and wants to see us on Father's Day. I'm really concerned that she's putting herself at real risk in wanting to see us now my son now mixing with a bubble at school. Her consultant has already told her that she should be very aware of her situation as she would likely be extremely ill if she caught CV.

Is anyone else dealing with a similar situation with relatives in this situation? I probably just need to accept she has the right to ignore government advice and to choose to see her family. But it worries me so much she may die from CV if she caught it from us, and I'd never forgive myself.

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ritzbiscuits Wed 17-Jun-20 16:27:14

Apologies for the title, it could have been written a bit more eloquently! In the middle of WFH, home school and Mumsnetting!

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Lumene Wed 17-Jun-20 16:31:13

I would let her decide, in her situation I might well choose the same.

Poppinjay Wed 17-Jun-20 16:37:47

I think you should support her decision. Shielding could last the rest of her natural life and, if I were her, I think I'd be choosing to get some pleasure from what time I had left, even if that might make it shorter

Cornishclio Wed 17-Jun-20 16:42:22

Can you, your DH and DS isolate for 7 days before seeing her to make sure you don't have symptoms?

CMOTDibbler Wed 17-Jun-20 16:45:01

My MIL is in the same sort of position, though she is terminally ill with a type of lung cancer and even a cold would kill her faster than its going to happen anyway. We went to see them on Monday (strictly distanced in the garden), and decided to invite them over this weekend as FIL is really struggling massively with shielding with her and he's scared to leave her to go for a walk even. We'll be very strict on distancing, disinfecting etc but they both desperately need it, and dh needs to take his dad out for a safe walk and a chat

Vodkacranberryplease Wed 17-Jun-20 16:46:33

It broke my heart to read this. Yes I would go. Cover yourself in sanitiser before you get there and if you wear a mask give her a hug. Honestly right now she would probably rather be dead than to carry on like this.

Logically you would have to have had contact with someone who has it or is carrying it (has it but doesn't know) and if there are no third hand cases around you that's highly unlikely - everyone else has been hiding away too.

When it started one of my colleagues daughters had it, and an employee (apparently) and I think before lockdown even started or we had heard of it I got it from some international visitors. But apart from the nhs (older male overweight) relative of a pharmacist I know of no one.

The daughter didn't give it to the parents, the employee is very social but of course now not. The routes to infection closed a while ago unless you are in a risky profession.

ritzbiscuits Wed 17-Jun-20 16:50:01

Thanks all I really appreciate your thoughts. I think that's a good point to recognise she could be shielding for the rest of her life.

@cornishclio My DS is now in school four days per week, and DH working in an NHS community office, so we can't self isolate in advance.

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Orangeblossom78 Wed 17-Jun-20 16:59:27

I have a relative with the same condition and meds, she is meeting family in the garden, going out for walks. She isn't getting too close to family outside her immediate circle though.

Crazycatlady83 Wed 17-Jun-20 17:02:12

Could your DH get a test as a health worker?

Clutterbugsmum Wed 17-Jun-20 17:05:38

I would do a she wishes.

I think that people in MIL situation are getting to the point that they don't want to just exist, and to live their life as they know they don't to spend forever locked in their house.

Cornishclio Wed 17-Jun-20 17:11:09


I think if she knows your situation and still wants to see you then I would go. She may not know how long she has left and might not want to spend the last few months of her life locked up in her house. Leave the decision to her but voice your concerns. It is a difficult situation and I think many of us will need to manage risk with shielding people rather than eliminate it. My own mum wants me to come up and stay and I have said I will revisit the decision in a month or so as she lives 250 miles away so too far for a day visit. I can isolate for 7 days first though as I look after my granddaughters 1 day a week and they start back at nursery next week.

The only other thing you could do is ask to be tested before visiting her. I am not sure how easy it is but if your DH is NHS he must have access to testing.

ritzbiscuits Wed 17-Jun-20 17:11:34

@Crazycatlady83 I think he's going to try to get an antibody test on Friday as he had a terrible cough in Jan. a long shot but he could have had it.

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Crazycatlady83 Wed 17-Jun-20 17:18:49

If he can get a test before he sees her, whether it’s the antibody or the one to say he has it now, the results might set all your minds at rest if you go see her at the weekend? A difficult decision for all of you though

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